How much is too much?

[fackinell]

So this could technically be a SP issue but IMO is just a teenage one. I thought it'd be a good idea to buy DSD some driving lessons from her Dad and I for her birthday. DP had just renewed her passport and felt that she should at least raise her own money for her provisional license. I originally felt that should be down to us since it was part of her driving gift but he disagreed. She gets around 130 PCM for attending school (Paid to her not her mother.) DP gives her 25 PW pocket money and she earns (if she shows up which is once a mth) 10 per wk in wages. He pays maintenance to his ExW if course.

DSD came around tonight with no intention or money to pay for her prov license (which I thought we should pay for anyway) but as DP had insisted she find her own funds, I'm a bit that she expected us to pay. WWYD? Cancel her lessons, as she has said, until she had funds or pay it and keep quiet. My dilemma is that DP had laid down the rules (but now says he'll just pay) or would you make her pay.

[fackinell]

Posted too soon,

Make her pay for the license. I DJ t grudge her at all but DP set the rules and now back peddling. I dint think that in itself is a good idea once rules are set.

[Lottiedoubtie]

Who gives her 130 for attending school?

And HOW MUCH pocket money does se get?

No wonder she doesn't bother to work more than once a month?

[OldLadyKnowsSomething]

Sounds like she's not actually all that bothered about learning to drive atm. Have you have a conversation with her about it?

[Ihatefootball]

Sounds like she has got it really cushty! Why on earth is she given so much money that she doesn't have to earn ?

[fackinell]

Sorry Lottie, I meant 25 PM not PW. My bad!!

She gets money under some Scottish education scheme to attend school. It's for single parents but paid to the child.

[OldLadyKnowsSomething]

www.emascotland.com/faqs.cfm EMA, for children from poorer families. It's meant to encourage them to stay on at school and gain qualifications, rather than dropping out and becoming NEETs.

[fackinell]

Sorry all, my typo caused confusion. She makes about 155 pm from education payment plus pocket money before earnings (she is employed by DP's business therefore doesn't show up often.) it was me that was keen for her to get her license as I left it too long and suffered as a result. She is off to college next yr and it would be of real benefit to her.

She does have it a little cushty but is keen to drive. I suggested it and she was really keen. I wouldn't otherwise choose an expensive gift that may he unwanted unless I checked first. I'm much happier knowing that she will have the ability to drive (knowing she is sensible) than relying on anyone else for a lift that may not appreciate the precious cargo on board.

[fackinell]

Thank you, Old lady. Yes, that is it.

[OldLadyKnowsSomething]

It's £50 for a first provisional driving license, which is a fair chunk out of one month's money if she hasn't been saving. Also, while I completely understand your reasons for wanting her to be able to drive (we live rurally, so not having to be taxi drivers for our dc was a big motive for us paying for their lessons!) if you're only going to pay for "some" lessons, what happens if she's not ready to pass her test after those lessons? Will you expect her to pay for the rest (at about £20-25 a go)?

I think the three of you need to sit down together and have an honest, open conversation, if this is at all possible.

[fackinell]

She does get a lot of lifts, Old lady, but it doesn't affect me, just DP and he doesn't mind. We live in town but she is a lazy bugger (as I was at that age.) The way her birthday lands meant that one lesson PW could coincide with an early Christmas present of more lessons, but she has gone for 2 PW and I did say to DP to make sure she knew that 5wls of x2 lessons meant them running out soon. We made it clear that we were buying 10 only.

He feels that her DM could do more (after the second passport purchase that really pissed him off) but IMO, her DM never offered lessons. It has to be either early Christmas from us or DSD paying out of her own pocket. 10 lessons is a good start, we aren't very wealthy but neither is her DM. It's doable for DSD, she has no outgoings as DM pays for everything (herself and from maintenance plus CTC, CM etc) including mob phone contract plus food and clothing unless we buy. All DSD's money is her's alone.

[bigTillyMint]

Tell her that you'll book the lessons as soon as she shows you the provisional licence (that she has applied and paid for) Simples?

[OldLadyKnowsSomething]

I agree 10 lessons is a good start, but unlikely to see her through her test, esp, as you say, at 2 lessons a week for 5 weeks, with no further practice. (There are carhire places who rent dual control cars by the hour, Arnold Clark do this at quite reasonable rates if you and/or dp are willing/able to supervise?)

If she's not willing to pay for her license, she's unlikely to pay for more lessons, and if she's getting EMA I doubt whether her dm can afford to pick up where you and your dp leave off. It's frustrating, as teens often are, because as you quite rightly say having a license would be a massive practical help to her in the future. But funds can only stretch so far, eh?

[fackinell]

Mint, they are already booked. They could be changed but DP has just said he will just pay for prov now. He said that he never said he wouldn't pay for it (he did) but that's classic him. It's a non issue if the extra is coming out of his pocket, I guess.

DSD is quite a nervous girl,unfortunately. I don't see her being a quick pass (I was the same.) she can ask for more lessons from DM and us for Christmas. Her tests alone will be 55 for theory and 100 for practical. I don't think I thought this through well but it'll be worth it for her future and especially for the job she wants. I need to keep my mouth shut more I think..,

[fackinell]

Old lady, no waaaay could I take her out!! I'd be a nervous wreck. I'm one of those drivers with an invisible brake on the passenger side. DP passed long before me and I'd still rather drive over him. He's just not observant enough IMO so a learner would tip me over the edge.

[OldLadyKnowsSomething]

Ok, fair enough, it was just a suggestion; ds1 asked that I did a couple of sessions with him before his test, wouldn't entertain the thought of dh because of the invisible brake (which is, of course, real in a dual control car!)

Kids, eh?

[fackinell]

Kids indeed!!

I just know she will be a good driver, she's very measured, controlled and smart. I would probably be her preferred teacher over Dad, patience wise, but I'm too nervy and a control freak. I also can't teach without doing. She's going with my old instructor who I hand picked because DSD is so shy. He has a way of drawing people out and she needs that. If she's stuck for conversation they can talk about how much of a PITA I am (as both would agree.) I think this would be so good for her confidence and I can always sell a kidney to pay..,

[OldLadyKnowsSomething]

You sound like a brilliant SM; how's your relationship with her DM? Any chance at all you can all sit down and thrash this out? It would be such a waste of money if she only had the 10 lessons and didn't go on to pass her test; I had a few goes, but funded them myself.

[fackinell]

I had various goes at driving but totally lacked confidence. I gave up a lot before I finally passed. That's why it's important that DSD does it young, to me.

Not sure I'm a great SM, but thank you I do care about her welfare and love her lots but it's not been an easy ride for us. I take no shite!! She resented me for a loooong time but we are good now. We respect each other and I go out of my way to show her how wonderful she is

Her DM won't entertain me at all, which is a shame. I came along 6 yrs after DM left with DSD. DP was in a bad way after they left but they are very set in their ways (DSD and him.) I was fresh from traveling all over and a rather ageing (40ish) hippy type. It was a culture shock to them
I think but now she loves to hear my stories.

[OldLadyKnowsSomething]

OK, here's a left-field notion; if you can cancel the car driving lessons, would she (/her dad/mum/you let her) take to two wheels? I had both of my boys on mopeds (well, the same 50cc bike) at 16 for freedom/taxidriver purposes, and both actually had their full mc licences (and excellent road sense) before they graduated to cages. Not sure it would be any cheaper, though, esp once you add up all the essential protective clothing.

Gah.

[fackinell]

Oooh, not my call, Old Lady, she's not my DD. I know Dad would rather her be in a car, not sure about DM. I've lost a few friends to bikes so I'd say no if it was up to me. They have the power without the protection, and car drivers can be assholes!!

[fackinell]

Kate, I totally get that. I was in favour of at least the prov plus 10 lessons. I think that's a decent start for a 17yo. She could ask for one each from her brothers, maybe two from DM etc and sane them up that way. I had to work PT to pay for mine after the first ten. Plus pay my prov and theory etc. it's not cheap but paying for lessons is bugger all compared to running a car. She should do it while she's still at home IMO (if that's what she wants.)