12am 1am or 2am curfew for 17 yo ds or none at all????

[Haffdonga]

What do you vipers let your big teens get up to these long summer nights?

Ds1 is mostly sensible, sometimes hardworking and usually pleasant. In fact, I quite like him . He's got a job working about 4 days a week and is between AS and A levels at school. Over these long warm nights he has been spending every night 'in the park' chatting with a group of friends. (Yes, he thinks I'm that gullible.) He has admitted some friends smoke weed but not him.

Anyway, he's not coming home before 2am every night and I'm a bit at loggerheads with him about what constitutes a reasonable time to come home.

His points: Mum, I'm safe, I'm sensible, it's summer. I'm almost adult.You can trust me. I get up for work. There's no reason for me to come home any earlier.

My points: (well I don't know if I have a point really. I just feel like he should be home at least by 1am unless there's a pre-planned party or something but I'm not sure why I feel that.)

So, do you have a curfew for your proto-adults? What are your ground rules for nights out? What time do yours come home on non party nights?

IBU, aren't I?

[ChillySundays]

My DD is 19 - it's not quite a curfew but any later than 10:30 she has to tell us she is going to be late. She not into clubbing or parties so not a problem really.
My DS has just finished GCSE but he tends to go round friend's houses. Rule is if on his bike he has to be home before it's dark. Most of the time it ends up as a sleepover so not an issue.
I think you are being generous at 1am. I would say that if he has to work he needs to be home of a lot earlier. Perhaps compromise by saying 1am when he is not working but when he is working come home earlier.
His main worry is what he looks like in front of his mates but there is nothing wrong with being sensible when you have a job. Has there been any problems with him getting to work on time or not doing his job properly because he is tired?

[MozzchopsThirty]

Dd is 18, I don't impose a curfew as she's an adult.
I don't mind what time she comes home, as long as she lets me know whether she's staying here or not

At 17 I would've expected her home by midnight unless previously arranged

[chocoluvva]

Are you asleep at 2am? Does he wake you?

[adeucalione]

Difficult. I wouldn't be happy about any of mine hanging around at the park until the small hours with weed-smoking friends, and I kind of feel sorry for anyone who lives nearby too.

But then he is nearly an adult so in 12 months you won't have a leg to stand on.

On balance I think I'd try 'my house my rules and I want you home by midnight' (later if a proper social event).

But then if he says 'well I'll just stay at a mate's house then' I guess you're stuffed

I am literally no help whatsoever.

[reddaisy]

If he wants to be treated like an adult (ie no curfew) then he should act like an adult - I would let him go out until whatever time he wanted as long as he gave me a rough idea of when to expect him home in advance so I knew not to worry.

[chocoluvva]

My 17YO doesn't have a curfew. But she's only very late if she's gone to a party. She's pretty good about texting.

[Haffdonga]

Sorry to disappear. Dog walking.

To answer a few points: Yes he does wake me up when he gets in because I ask him to or I can't sleep for clock-checking. He's 18 in September (one of the oldest in the year) so not long to go before I have no legs to stand on anyway. And he does let me know roughly where he is and approx when he'll be back e.g. " at park with Joe back by like 2 "

I've suggested 12 except if it's a party and he's explained that every night is party night in summer.

Interesting that you don't all think I'm unreasonable to have a curfew despite his sensible track record.

[Haffdonga]

And no, he's never been late for work, but god knows how he manages an 8 hour shift on his feet non stop after less than 2 hours sleep. In a way I feel it's his job and not my role to manage his punctuality or iron his uniform etc. It's a learning experience for him to find out that your uniform doesn't wash itself and people get sacked if they are not reliable.

[ChillySundays]

I still think whatever age there has to be consideration when they are staying out late. You didn't say whether the late nights are affecting his work

[chocoluvva]

Hopefully maybe exhaustion will catch up with him and the novelty will wear off, with the effect that he decides for himself that frequent very late nights are not a good idea.

[Haffdonga]

Thanks for all your thoughts.

With a bit of detective work and spying open-ended questioning ds has admitted that there is a girl (of course) who lives right the other side of town about an hours walk away. So the 'park' is often the park a long way away from us near Love Interest's house. The 2am returns are thanks to the Long Walk Home.

Tonight's a big party so ds is off the clock but I'm still not sure if I should fight this battle, Dh agrees with me that 2am every night is ridiculous but goes silent and let's me be the mean parent when I suggest a reasonable time to ds.

[chocoluvva]

Ah!

Get him to invite the GF round.

[notnowImreading]

If you can't really sleep well if he's not in, you could try a signal that lets you drift off and then check later. My mum used to sleep badly while any of us were out late so we each had a (hideous) troll doll that lived in a drawer. When we get in we left our doll on the shelf outside her bedroom so that when she wandered out to the loo in the night she could see we were back and sleep soundly after that. It meant she didn't need to wait up if we were late back.

[SoonToBeSix]

At 17 and not inside a well known friends house or at the cinema etc ie just hanging out then I would say 10pm . But my nearly 16 year old dd has to home by 8pm unless out for a specific reason. I don't believe in letting teens roam the streets/ parks.

[AtiaoftheJulii]

My dd is the same age. By this point I don't really care what time she gets home as long as she's getting everything she needs to do done, isn't wandering the streets alone, and keeps me informed. Sometimes I do go to sleep, but she has to tell me when she comes in. I'm finding it hard to see the practical or moral difference between 1am and 2am, I must confess

[AtiaoftheJulii]

Maybe he needs a bike so he'd be home quicker? :)

[TheWholeOfTheSpoon]

Mine drives and his curfew is between 12-2 depending on what he's doing. He wakes me up because I tell him too, otherwise I wouldn't fall asleep in the first place.

[peanutbutterandoreos]

soon that's awfully early, my 15 year old's curfew is 11pm. OP, I think 12-1 is reasonable unless he's at a party of friends house ie not just hanging around the streets. But as you said, he's an adult in a few months so it's difficult. However if he's still living in your home when he's an adult he should still live by your rules so essentially you can still tell him what to do until he moves out.

[Ilovefluffysheep]

Soon, I'm like you, and my son is 16.5! If there is something specific on, he is allowed out later, but I'm not keen on him just hanging around, especially as a lot of his mates smoke weed.

He is a sensible lad, and whilst I am by far the strictest parent (it would seem) he doesn't seem to have an issue with it, and I am happy to negotiate on times with him, so it's not a blanket no all the time. However, I am a police officer, so know first hand what kind of stuff teenagers get up to when left to it. I also know how easy it is to be thought of as "guilty by association" and that worries me with his weed smoking mates. He wants to work in kids clubs on a cruise ship in the future, so I have explained to him the damage being arrested would do to these plans, as he would be unlikely to get a visa to go to America for example. He understands this, and I am actually very proud of him for not giving in to peer pressure and taking a stand.

It also helps that a lot of his mates have been away on national citizen service, so there hasn't been much going on, and he hasn't even asked to go out the last couple of weeks as no one is really about. He also has a job, recently started, so I would be ensuring he gets in at a reasonable time.

As for when he turns 18 - it still won't be a free for all, and it will be my house my rules. There are others that need to be considered in the household, and him coming in late would almost certainly wake me as I am a very light sleeper and we have lots of creaky floorboards. When I have to get up early for work I don't want to have a interrupted nights sleep, and it would expect ds as an adult to be considerate of that.

[fattycow]

My baby brother just turned 18 and he does no longer have a curfew. Interestingly enough, he is home earlier than before the lift of the curfew (he used to break curfew a lot). He lives with our parents, but I did ask him why he is earlier now. His explanation: 'when I had a curfew, I kept checking the time and felt forced to have a good time before I needed to go home and I couldn't really relax. Once the point had arrived that I would be home late, I could finally relax as it didn't matter anymore, I was late anyway. But now I don't have a curfew, so I can relax from the beginning and I just go home once I feel like it. That means I have way more fun and feel ready to go home sooner.'

[chocoluvva]

DD's friend who is almost 18 and a half has been buying alcohol with borrowed ID and going to parties since he was 16. He says he can't be doing with very late nights now either unless he has a very good reason.

I have every confidence he will cope with the 'social' side of university when he starts as he's so practised.

[SoonToBeSix]

Peanut I know it's very early I just know worry. If she is at a known friends house or I am picking her up from the cinema etc she can stay put till 11pm . At her friends 15th birthday party when we knew the family well she was picked up at midnight it's just the " hanging out " that we don't allow at night.

[SoonToBeSix]

Out not put!

[SinglePringle]

At 17, on a Friday or Saturday night or school holidays, I either stayed at my boyfriends or was home by 1am-ish. I just had to say what time I'd be home. Had a Saturday / holiday job. I often stayed out with friends also.

No curfew at 18. I'd have laughed!