16 yr old son contacted by absent father now lied to see him, any advice?

[Jude02020]

I have a 16 yr old son. He was recently contacted on FB by his absent father he hasn't seen or heard from since he was 4! He lied to go meet him and told me after. I fine to extent, i understand why, after we talked as said "needed to do on own"had been grown up and arranged in local place and friend knew etc. we talked about it and I said "not happy with lying but understood." We agreed to be open next time. He now met him again and now told be until i confronted him. The father bought lots of stuff, gave him money!typical.. I just scared he going to get hurt and father very manipulative and was previousy aggressive etc. i cant protect him if don't know what happening. I am married, son gets on so well with step dad.. We in a turmoil. I feel absent father has gone behind our backs.. Now son is 16 he feels it none of our business and main thing he doesn't have to pay for absent years... Only by trying to buy son. All in turmoil. Don't want my son getting hurt. Any advice where thing stand re parental responsibility with a 16year old? And what can i do to help my son make this a good experience and protect him?

[ArcheryAnnie]

I think you've made a really good start by asking him to lot lie to you about these meetings in future - ie not forbidding him to see him, just asking him to be open about it.

How about telling your son that if he has any questions about his father, it's OK to ask?

(My sympathies, OP - I thought this was going to be me in a few years time, as ex was useless and didn't see DS from one month to the next, nor did he pay anything, but happily ex pulled his head out of his arse when DS was about 9.)

[Jude02020]

Thanks for your reply. I am glad things worked put for you and your son. We are usually quite open and i have always answered his questions when they have come up. we have had a chat. My son is quite forthcoming, he said he was trying to not upset me, hence the second lie. It just so hard to stand back, and let things happen, I know how manipulative the man is and sitting hoping my son doesn't get hurt is so hard. At 16 it is hard to get involved and i don't want to push my son, so let him come to me to talk. How did you cope with letting things happen ? A big part of me wants to scream at his ab.father and tell him he doesn't deserve to spend time with my lovely special boy... But i know I cant. Feeling quite helpless on all this.

[ArcheryAnnie]

I don't know that I've managed all that well, or consistently, but it's kind of worked so far. I haven't set out to badmouth my ex, but I haven't candy-coated his behaviour, either - if he let DS down (which he did, all the time) I wouldn't make excuses for him, but tell him that I thought his dad's behaviour wasn't ok, and why, and it was to do with his dad, not him. Now ex and I get on really quite well, but I still will be honest about when he behaves badly, not excuse it at all, but also say the good things that I like about him, and acknowledge that DS loves him.

It's a real balancing act, to acknowledge that it's ok for a kid to have feelings about a parent even when they are a truly crappy parent, and yet still give the kid the information and tools they need not to get drawn into the manipulative bullshit that comes along with contact. I wish you every luck in this.