DD says she has social anxiety

[springlamb]

Although technically a pre-teen, dd (coming up on 13) has started periods and is a fairly mature girl, so I think it's more appropriate here. Sorry if it's a bit long.
When I went into her room this morning she had left me a note telling me that she has social anxiety. She gave me some examples, eg she cannot approach teachers at school unless a friend is with her, she cannot go into a shop and buy something on her own, all the examples involved her interacting with adults. She said she had discussed this with 2 friends and they altogether thought she may have this.
Of course, I left a note saying that I was always available to talk, I would research it today to learn more about it and we could talk after school. At breakfast, I said I hoped she had read my note, that I meant every word, if SHE was worried, then I was worried, and that we would make time to discuss this.
In fact, although I did not let on to her, I do know a bit about teenage anxieties, unbeknownst to her her 19 yr old disabled brother suffered some anxieties some years ago, so I looked out my old books and refreshed my memory, searched a bit on the internet to update myself etc. Since she came home from school I have asked twice if she'd like to talk about it, both times she's 'too busy'.
So what to do?
This is my view of my dd:
She's above average intelligence but like myself hides her light under a bushel.
She's lively but slightly geeky. Not terribly fashionable, she likes her own style but does just enough to conform.
She seems to have a stable bunch of friends - yesterday she had a close friend to dinner and I mentioned something about her lunch table gang to be told that her lunch gang's actually 4 tables of girls from different classes who just like each other.
She loves music, plays violin, piano and guitar, and sings a lot. She recently had a violin exam and totally went to pieces, she came out crying. This shocked her teachers and myself.
She is reluctant to go up to the till in shops but she has done so, she's walked around the shopping centre on her own with my card and made purchases.
She goes to a youth club and is known by the staff as a good egg.
She has been noted by several teachers for her talent in maths and science so is not totally under the radar at school.
During the last few weeks of term she has been helping out with the drama teacher at workshops for the local primaries, she's really enjoyed this, but when it came to 2 on-stage performances, she was reluctant to say the least.
So do I accept she now doesn't want to discuss it (I have left a couple of books in her room anyway). Or do I march her down to the doctors. Or do I try to bolster her confidence in dealing with adults over the holidays and see what develops.
Gish this is long. If anyone actually gets this far, I'm sorry!

[adeucalione]

To me this sounds like a normal developmental stage that will pass as she matures. Two of my DC were like that at that age.

Maybe I made a mistake in not taking it too seriously - i encouraged them into social situations, chivvied them along and just generally didn't attach too much importance to it.

I remember telling them that most people fear the judgement of others to some degree, and modelling how to deal with this whenever the opportunity arose.

Your DD's life does not appear to be particularly inhibited, you've provided books and have offered to talk about it. I think that's all you need to do.

[springlamb]

Yes that's kind of what of thought. I wondered if it might be a bit 'teenage angst'.
The incident at the music exam was obviously worrying. She always is a little nervous but was fine beforehand then came out in tears. However, I know she didn't feel as well prepared as usual, there had also been a mix up with her music that morning.
Late last night she recounted a conversation with one of her teachers yesterday that actually sounded as if she had been rather cheeky and outspoken (although it was a lighthearted last day of term conversation). Which of course doesn't quite tally with social anxiety.
I am going to watch carefully, engineer a few situations for her to deal with and see how we are at the end of August.
In the manner of Yoda, "complicated is this one"

[twentyten]

Could you use the hols to plan some challenges to build her confidence? In a low key way?

[myotherusernameisbetter]

That's very similar to my son although he had some bullying issues when he was young that also make him anxious.

We got this workbook and have been working through it together which I think is slowly slowly helping.

www.amazon.co.uk/Shyness-Social-Anxiety-Workbook-Teens/dp/1608821870?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[MorphineDreams]

I was exactly the same at her age, I think a lot of girls are though, certainly my friends were.

It's good that she's recognised the name for it, but I think labels sometimes make things seem so much worse than they usually are. Like its a condition that needs to be treated or something, rather than something she will more than likely grow out of.

Like you said though, watch her carefully because it can be crippling in adult hood

[capsium]

I would explain to her how lots of people have social anxieties and there are ways to overcome them or at least manage them.

I would ask her how she has copes with her anxieties at present and congratulate her on her solutions. Also see if you can add to the list if possible solutions and talk about how you cope with things that make you feel anxious. Sometimes it is also worth talking about likely scenarios and weighing up risks, the risk of actions and inaction.

[BelleOfTheBorstal]

I have a form of GAD/SAD. By talking to me, in a general way, you would not know it, in fact I hide it very well. I ask people about themselves/their lives, when inside I am squirming and waiting for the conversation to be at an end.
In regards to your dd, I would be pushing her to talk to her gp.
You need to instigate a conversation, despite her being 'too busy'

[myotherusernameisbetter]

I agree, the thing about that workbook that I linked to is that it normalises being anxious and shows that it doesn't come out of nowhere. If you look amongst your family there will be lots of other people who were also shy and anxious but chances are that now that they are grown up, they have learned to deal with it. It does give exercises for them to do in teeny steps, so you can make one smiling at the person on the till while someone else pays, then move to the next step of paying for something themselves, to the advanced stage of taking something back!! Or other things like asking for directions, or whatever it is that she needs to do. i am in no way affiliated to the author or the publisher btw :o

[myotherusernameisbetter]

My OH and I were both shy and uncomfortable in social situations, we are not exactly party animals now! But, I think it was good for my son to hear that and that although sometimes we might feel uncomfortable, mostly we can do things such as standing up in front of people and speaking without worrying and I have been making sure that when my son is with me, I engage in conversation with as many people as possible. e.g. chatting to the shopkeeper etc so he sees actually how to initiate conversations.

[febel]

She sounds like my ED at the same age, and she is fine now. Just encourage her to do the things she is nervous about like going up to shop tills etc..I was nervous about this at her age. I personally would say she seems quite sorted if she has a good group of friends, particularly as she has people back to the house (my YD is so anxious and stressful (at 17) she NEVER has friends round cos she hates being a host so much as she whittles all the time about what to do, what they might think etc (her sisters did so I don't think it's our home set up)
Some people are more shy etc than others..and I was at that age. I think nowadays with all the social media etc kids sometimes feel they should be more than they feel comfortable with and tbh if they label themselves they can sometimes "grow into it"