I'm a fairly new stepmum. My other half has a 5&7yo daughter & son with his ex wife, and a 15&16yo son & daughter with a partner from 10yrs ago. I have no children of my own so the past 18 months have been rather a journey. His eldest now lives with us. My step-daughter has just turned 16 and starts her A levels in Sept. She has lived with us since Christmas and we have tackled the root cause of her self harming successfully. She is a gamer and has lots of friends online but few at school. She dresses typically as a teen who tries to hide. Hair covers face, hoody jumpers and jeans in this recent weather! Finds difficulty talking to people even family. We attempted job hunting at the weekend for pocket money but ended up in tears and big row. She wrote me a letter to explain that she hates everything about herself and believes anyone who says anything nice to her or compliment her or praises her, is lying! Even me and her dad! She also explained that she thinks everyone stares at her and showed signs of depression (doesn't want to get out of bed etc). I understand that it's easier to be yourself online and gaming but she has a very distorted view of the real world and herself. I know she won't change overnight and I started by saying all she needs to work on is believing her dad and I have never and will never lie to her, and if she wants to feel better about everything, we will take it one step at a time and do it together. I pushed her to go into the hairdressers and ask for her fringe to be trimmed, it took 40 minutes and a break down of tears because she was so afraid to go in.
Her own mother has no idea of any of this and tbh has created part of this problem. Her dad is very supportive but she asked me not to tell him the contents of the letter which we both respect. Deep down she trusts me but it's the fear and a deep rooted complex that is the problem
I'm just looking for suggestions to encourage her but not push her to panic. I've backed off from the job subject but might look at doing the tea round at an old people's home or something.
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How do I help my 16yo step-daughter's zero self esteem/confidence?
Ladyluck1908 · 21/07/2014 10:29
Our youngest dd had very little confidence and was painfully shy around strangers.
She has got a part time job this summer and we have seen a difference.She has lots more to chat about of an evening and was really animated at a recent party telling a group of a funny story about work 
A bit of independence and money has put a smile on her face.
She's very bright but a bit lazy. She took some gcse's a year early and we're eagerly awaiting her results. She had no idea what career to take but I made a few suggestions on holiday that seemed to spark some interest. Hadn't thought about her taking friends to swim, sounds like a good idea thank you! Most of her clothes are band t shirts and jeans but at least they fit her, but because we went to Greece I bought some nicer, brighter clothes. We're going to have to go shopping for sixth form clothes at some point. There's a ban on hoodys and jeans so she's mortified lol. She's taken to wearing shorts since we got back though
There was the daunting event of the prom which she wore a beautiful plum long dress and looked stunning. She nearly backed out of going so very proud of her for going and she actually enjoyed it. We let her have some friends stay after too.
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