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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

son refuses to speak or see me.

35 replies

Kittiecatt21 · 13/07/2014 15:13

Five years ago my now ex husband left me for another woman. I tried to keep it amicable for the sake of our two children, but my ex refused. The children would go and stay with him every other weekend and seemed happy enough. However, once he moved in with the woman, my 19 year old daughter decided she didn't want to visit any more, as she didn't like what my ex had done and didn't like the woman. When my daughter did visit, she would come home in tears as she felt like the odd-one out there and they would just sit in front of the tv all the time. Two years ago, my son, now 17, said he was going to stay with his father for a few days. He had never returned home. Neither he nor his father told me he wasn't coming home, I rang my son but he didn't reply and tested me that he was staying there. To this day, I don't know why. His father has been no help at all and is extremely unsupportive of the situation. I never receive birthday or Christmas cards, even though I always send my son a card and gift. I used to message him every couple of months, asking how he was, telling him news from home, and saying I loved him and would always be here for him. I never got a response but at least he didn't block me or tell me not to message him. In January this year, I messaged him and said I wouldn't contact him again because I didn't get a reply but I loved him and was here for him always. I think about him every day and wonder if I will ever see him again. Should I keep messaging him, not to put pressure on him, but just general chit-chat? I just don't know what to do. I would be so thankful of any advice.

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Namechangearoonie123 · 13/07/2014 15:24

Does he respond to your daughter? What happens when she says 'why you not talking to mum'?

I wouldn't bother, you've done all you can. He's clearly in a very long term huff.

Kittiecatt21 · 13/07/2014 15:29

Hi,
He has his sister on Facebook but apart from the occasional status comment or like, they don't talk to each other. My daughter says she doesn't want to ask him why he isn't speaking to me.

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mumtoateen · 13/07/2014 17:42

Op I'm sorry ((((hugs))))
Maybe try and apply for joint custody?

adeucalione · 13/07/2014 17:45

When your DD stopped visiting her dad, did he receive any sort of explanation? If so, it seems very cruel that he hasn't afforded you the same courtesy.

I'm also curious about the circumstances in which your DS left - if he went 'for a few days' and never came home, did you notice him packing up his stuff? Or is it all still with you?

And when you say that you tried to call but it went unanswered, and that thereafter you texted every couple of months, do you now feel that you could have done more? Surely you went to the house to try to talk to your ex or son in person, straight away or at some point over the past 2 years?

This sounds like such a difficult situation but I think a letter might be more meaningful than a text, and I would persist even if DS continues to ignore you. At least that way you are sending him a consistent message. Imagine if, in a year, he would like to contact you but feels that he can't because he hasn't heard from you for 12months.

Kittiecatt21 · 13/07/2014 17:52

Thank you all. I can't pay for joint custody as my son is 17. He didn't pack all of his things, but a few months ago, his father texted me to say could I pack everything up for him. I tried going to the house but my ex wouldn't let me in. I can assure you that I have tried everything to bring my son home, but I can't make him. If I keep pressuring him, I'm likely to push him further away. The only reason I can think of why he left is because he wanted to play on Xbox and computer till 2 or 3 in the morning. I bought s timer to switch off the internet at 11pm. I think he's left to it at his father's house. He knows he is always welcome any time because that is the message I tell him whenever I message him. I'm not like his father, I'm a caring person who would do anything for my children.

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Kittiecatt21 · 13/07/2014 17:56

I have to add that my ex has never given me any support with regard to our children. When our daughter was 18 last year, she went to see them, but there was no card, cake, gift, or anything. When our son had glandular fever about 3 years ago, he became very depressed. His father wasn't interested and never came to see him or ask how he was.

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AnyFucker · 13/07/2014 17:58

You poor thing.

I would keep doing what you are doing, tbh. One day he will grow up and realise what he is missing out on, possibly when he enters his first serious relationship. Keep the lines open for him.

Kittiecatt21 · 13/07/2014 18:08

Thank you. I have just sent a chatty message to him, giving him news from here.

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Ainmnua · 13/07/2014 18:18

I'm so sorry for you having to go through this it must be very tough.

I have no advice for you but I would definitely keep sending him messages from time to time. That way he will know that there's a line of communication for him when he wants to re-engage.

Kittiecatt21 · 13/07/2014 18:28

Thank you x

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Itsfab · 13/07/2014 18:39

I would keep sending messages but would also send a specific invitation to meet at a certain time and place. There is a fine line between being in a strop and being downright rude and if he doesn't reply to that then he is being very rude. If that happens I would be reassessing the situation.

If he really left because he wanted to play xbox later then he has a lot of growing up to do.

Your ex is loving all this and is clearly a dick.

Your daughter could be more supportive imo and ask her brother what the issue is.

One day your ex will not want to bother with your son and then it will be up to you whether you just let him waltz back in or not. Fine to always be there for your children but not to be totally disrespected.

TalisaMaegyr · 13/07/2014 18:45

I am heartbroken reading this

My heart goes out to you x

Kittiecatt21 · 13/07/2014 20:04

I have messaged my son in the past asking if he wants to meet in town, no pressure, and he hasn't replied. In the message today, I asked the same thing, meeting in town over the holidays, for a drink or lunch, again no pressure, but no reply yet. I am heartbroken. Just feel everything is going wrong.

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LongTimeLurking · 13/07/2014 20:10

I'm so sorry, what a horrible situation for you. I have no advice other than to say if it were me I would keep the no-pressure contact going, keep sending birthday/xmas cards to let him know you are there and care.

Everything else is up to him really, hopefully he will come around at some point and at least give you the explanation you deserve.

Kittiecatt21 · 13/07/2014 20:21

Thank you everyone. I shall keep trying and hoping.

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smileyforest · 14/07/2014 01:04

Gosh...how very painful...and how horrid of your ex..(mine would do the same). Can you write to him as well? Keep in contact and one day he will respond...I really hope so. Are there any other family members that could visit him and ask what the problem is?
I really feel for you...(:

Kittiecatt21 · 14/07/2014 17:40

Hi, I messaged him yesterday but he hasn't replied. I know he's read it. My daughter doesn't want to ask him why he won't contact me and there is no one else. Everyone tells me that he will come back one day, but I don't think he will.

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smileyforest · 14/07/2014 18:34

Kittiecatt..
My son wants to leave home...nearly 18, I've banned his gf as abusive relationship and he then was abusive to me...I feel like I have 'lost' my son too...its heartbreaking....

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 19:00

if he doesn't come back to you, kittie, at least you will know you did everything you could

don't give up

smileyforest · 14/07/2014 19:22

Yes...its all about 'not giving up'....but living your life as well... trying to...

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 19:37

and you, smiley, all the best x

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 14/07/2014 19:45

You poor thing, I feel so sorry and sad for you.

Absolutely keep messaging. Don't stop. He is so young. Just keep ploughing on, regular messages, updating him about what is going on in yours and dd's lives. Asking after him, suggests specific times to meet. If he ignores, just keep going.

One dual he will turn to you. It might not be for years, but one day he will. He is young and his family is separated, it will be tough for him. Keep at it.

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Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 14/07/2014 19:45

One dual should read one day

QueenHaakonVII · 14/07/2014 19:48

It sounds like you are doing the right thing. It is a very sad situation.

Kittiecatt21 · 14/07/2014 21:10

Thank you all so very very much. Can't tell you how much I appreciate your comments. It makes me feel a bit better knowing I'm not alone. We must all stick together xxx

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