Called Social Services...heartbroken..

[smileyforest]

Just had to....heartbroken with my 17y old son...don't know if they can help me ???
Basically using weed...verbally agressive....leaving house and room in a terrible mess....also found nitrous oxide cannisters in room...I want him to move out..away as I cant cope with the constant worry and aggression..he is very defensive. Has a dependent gf...lots of problems with her....he tried to break it off with her but she won't leave him alone...I've banned her from the house now...she has no respect either...I work full time + but can't cope with it today...as so tearful at the way my son is. He is working and due to start A levels at a college in another Town...unfortunately Gf is too...I've been very supportive but can't continue anymore..I'm 53...its all too much....What are the consequences if I tell him to move out? I know his Dad wont have him....

[DottyDooRidesAgain]

Hello Smiley.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am afraid I have no helpful advice as no experience of teenagers yet.

If he moves out then he will need to find a place to live, now he can either visit the local housing office and present himself as homeless or move in with a friend.
The likely hood is they (housing) will point him in the direction of a hostel or similar I think until he is on the list and he bids on something. Not sure if he will be priority though.

Hopefully somebody will have more helpful information but I just wanted to offer you something

[smileyforest]

Can anyone offer any help please...right or wrong...this is desperate..I'm a professional myself trying to cope alone...just dont know where I turn...SS did not phone back....guess no interested....

[3littlefrogs]

Where does he get the money for weed and nitrous oxide? They are expensive.

Why won't his dad have him?

Social services won't be interested I am afraid.

Do you have any other source of support? Any family that might offer him a place to stay provided he works?

[3littlefrogs]

I meant to say that 17 is possibly the most awful age for boys and you are not alone. You can come come through this, but it will need some serious thought and strategies.

There isn't enough information here to offer any more useful advice, and I completely understand if you don't want to say more.

Do you have other children?

[adeucalione]

The Shelter website has a lot of information about how Social Services can help your DS.

My guess is that SS receive lots of phone calls from desperate parents and simply don't have the resources to help.

But if you ask your DS to leave home, and he presents to SS as homeless, they should class him as a 'child in need' and provide him with emergency accommodation while they assess his needs and entitlements.

Good luck OP.

[ihatethecold]

I had the same problem about 10 years ago,
I called social services and they said because he is over 5 and I'm not abusing him they didn't have resources to help.

He was 15 at the time.

He is now 23 and has been technically homeless for 4 years, he has 2 children with his gf and lives with his gf at her mums house.
It's very overcrowded but the housing office just have nowhere to put them.

They have stayed in some god awful hostels with their babies a few years ago.

It's such a hideous situation you are in and you really have my sympathies.

I wish I had advice and a time machine.

[Heyho111]

No one tells you how hard the teenage years can be. It can be a trauma that lasts a few years.
I see hormones on a scale where so teens almost breeze through it to others being severely effected by it.
Some teens feel overwhelming anger for no reason. Their brains want them to push boundaries, become the Alfa male and rebel against authority. This is normal development but some get the urges far worse than others.
I understand you feel desperate but I don't believe deep down you want to loose him.
If you can stop and breath. This is a horrendous faze. I promise.
The positive thing is that despite taking some drugs and arguing etc he is going to do A levels and not drop out. There is the boy you know and love.
Good idea to ban the girl friend. Colleges are huge and it will be difficult for them to see each other much when there.
Don't talk to him. Write him a letter. This avoids tone, arguments , bad body language. He can read what you've written and think about it not react instantly. What you write will be thought out and meant. Not said in the heat of the moment.
Don't say you do this and that.
Say. I love you more than life it's self. I hate the arguments. Your drug taking makes me scared. I know I can't stop you but please don't take it in the house. That's all I ask. (This will cut down his usage).
Say your not worried about the mess in his room (just shut the door;))
Say you understand that you get on his nerves that you feel angry and just cheesed off with life. Say all you want is for him to be happy. But for you to be happy too.
He can read this and really understand how you feel. You can say you are worried that his girl friend puts too much pressure on you and that also worries you.
He may not reply but he will understand how you feel more.
Can you ask for councelling to deal with him. Pay private if you can. You need support. It's very hard when your on your own.

[smileyforest]

Heyho...and others ..thankyou so much.
Heyho...so true what you say. I will write to him .. I have done before and it helps.
I have taken today off and I feel better...I know underneath all this he is a lovely lad....He is caught up in a toxic relationship which aggravates everything. Luckily the gf Mum is supportive too and realises that her daughter is abusive to my son.
I dont want to nag and be confrontational. I just want to see him happy...he has a chance at College and he has a job to keep him busy during the Summer-thats positive.
I had to ban the gf from my house...my DS is not allowed into gf house either..I can't stop it anywhere else though she is away at her Dads and I hope she stays there to give my son thinking space and time away. SS never got back in touch. Didn't expect them too because what could they do?
I have arranged counselling for myself through work...its free.... and a relaxation course
Many thanks...:)

[NoodleOodle]

It's a shame you had no reply from social services. Could you try again? If you are worried that DS and GF might get pregnant, they might take a bit more notice, maybe?

I'm glad you've found the work counselling service, and that it's helpful for you. Agree with PP that the teenage years can be horrendous and you need support from somewhere, for both of your sakes.

Also agree with PP that the DS you remember is still in there underneath the hormones and acting out, and you will find a way to bring your relationship back to a harmonious one as you're willing to keep trying. Consistency and boundaries are important now, even more than the toddler years. I was unprepared but have come to accept that these teenage years actually require more input than the toddler years did, for me anyway.

Whatever happens, you must look after yourself. The boundaries must include you always feeling safe in your own home and environment so, if you feel he is aggressive or has aggressive outbursts, it is not acceptable for these to be threatening or intimidating for you. One piece of advice I received form a friend who works with 'troubled' and 'difficult' teens is to give them an arena to express their more physical outbursts of emotion in a safe way. Examples she gave were martial arts, gym generally, and also a box of cheap crockery from car boot or similar that they have a reasonably safe place to do what they want with, like a wall in the garden where they can throw the plates to release anger, and then help bring themselves back into a calm state by sweeping them up and wrapping in newspaper.

Hang on in there.