I hate confrontation and my kids are walking all over me

[hazell42]

Since my separation 5 years ago I have been parenting my four kids by myself. I've never liked confrontation and when I was married this meant letting my husband walk all over me. Now I think that my son is doing the same thing. He is just 15 going on 25 and I can't seem to confront him about his behaviour - not going to school being the worst of it. He isn't being bullied and he is not struggling with the work. Just doesn't seem to be bothered. The school keep phoning me at work, my ex husband is using this as an example of my poor parenting (though I have asked for his help - nothing). What can I do to get a bit of backbone?
Its odd because at work I am a very confident person who would confront this head on. But at home I just pretend its not happening. How can I get out of this
Any suggestions gratefully received

[LastingLight]

A parenting course? Some counselling?

What consequences are there for DS when he doesn't go to school, instigated by both you and the school? I would suggest removing all his privileges - electronics, pocket money, lifts to friends etc. - until he goes to school on a regular basis. You can set up a contract with him and both of you sign it. It can say things like if he goes to school every day for 1 week he gets his mobile phone back. If he goes for another 2 weeks he gets something else back. For every day he misses he loses x privilege for y days. Good luck.

[hazell42]

Thanks. At the moment there aren't any consequences really, except that I try to 'talk to him' and explain why he needs to go to school. He nods, agrees, and promises to do better and because I can't stand to fall out with him I convince myself I've got through to him. But of course the next day, the same thing. I have been trying to look at parenting classes but they mostly seem to be aimed at parents of very young children. I found mothering so much easier when they were young. I need to believe that I am helping him even when he is hating me, I suppose.

[WaffleWiffle]

You are meant to be his parent, not his friend.

He needs you to be firm with him so that he can feel secure in the boundaries you set.

You are failing your son - and his future - by not doing this. This should be the trigger to make you believe that you am helping him even when he is hating you.

[ephpa95]

Family counselling with your children would help speak about the dynamics going on between you. There must be a reason why you have such fear of confrontations, and you see, if you let your son treat you like this he will do this in his later relationships. So do him and yourself a favour and be firm. And there is a great book: "Take the bully by the horns" by Sam Horn. That is a first step. This is not easy, but do get some help and support to learn to speak up for yourself.

[hazell42]

Thank you. I have decided that this morning I will contact the family information service in my town to see what help they can offer, also spoke to my ex husband last night to say that we are both failing him. I have always been too much of a push over but my ex used to be good at discipline but since our divorce he doesn't want to rock the boat too much which I kind of understand but the result is we are both giving in to him. Have also ordered the book you mention from amazon. anything else I should be doing?

[Mrsjayy]

Are you scared he wont like you if you get tough with him he is taking the piss sorry to be so blunt but you are allowing him to do this and its not fair on him, contact school tell them he is a refuser ask for their help to get him to school hating confrontation isnt going to help your children in the long run they are just going to try and manipulate those aroundthem tell him off tell him his behaviour is dissapointing , you dont need to be confrontational just assertive, he is pushing boundries he wants you to lay down the rules

[LastingLight]

I just bought this book, hopefully it will give us some ideas.

[hazell42]

Well, I have tried to take the bull by the horns. I have been in touch with our local council and signed up for some parenting support. I have bought a few books that I hope might help and I have arranged for my son and I and his dad to sit down tomorrow and talk things over. I know that it is not fair to ask his dad to be bad cop as I our son doesn't visit him much as it is because his social life is hectic but I have asked him to back me up if I impose a punishment. In the past I have said no pocket money and my son has gone straight to his dad who has handed it over. Also, I have been in touch with the school to tell them where I am at and what I have been doing. Unfortunately they are not very interested so I don't think I can count on them for support.
Now that I have realised what the problem is I hope that I can begin to work on it. Thanks for all your comments

[Daisy202]

It's not that easy to remove a play station or phone in reality, they really kick off. We all want to protect our kids but they have to learn that there are consequences for their actions themselves. We can tell them till we are blue in the face. Don't waste your time he won't listen. He is looking for a reaction from you and getting one. Ignore him and let him make choices, he will soon realise that you are not going to put it all right for him. Just don't give him money.