DS, 13 says he has no friends at school - don't know how to deal with this

[Homerun]

Not sure how accurate his interpretation is but broadly speaking, I think he is telling the truth.

He is in yr 8 and came from a different primary school, out of area. He made friends quite quickly in yr7 but over the last couple of years the friendships have not developed beyond mates in school. We have had sleep overs (not reciprocated), he tries frequently to meet up over weekend (they're always busy) and he has on occasions been excluded from parties (one memorable occasion a mum invited him by mistake and when this was realised, didn't even apologise - painful).

This morning he begged not to go to school (he has 'sick' days every so often but still 95% attendance); I said no but he burst out crying and told me some of his friends, one in particular had been calling him names (hippo for eg). He told me he walks away and they laugh. Then things get back to usual.

He is a little overweight but very active and fit though not at all skilled in sports, which is one of the difficulties. He is sociable and kind, funny and smart but he definitely tries too hard to be in with the 'in crowd'. He is now losing confidence. He told me today that every thing he thought he was in primary school is wrong - 1) he thought he was tall but now he is the shortest in the class 2) he thought he was bright but although he is doing ok he is not top of the class (to be honest he is lazy and we battle to get him to do anything work wise out of school ) 3) he thought he was sociable but now has no friends.

It is really upsetting. He hasn't reached puberty so maybe things will change for the better then? How do I make him realise that he needs to gravitate towards nicer, truer friends who might not be so cool but will like him for who he is? I was not popular in school and was ruthlessly bullied but when I got to 15 things changed and I found my feet (partly because I no longer cared about being popular).
Does anyone else have this with their child? Sorry it's long

[twentyten]

Aww!! Poor lad- it is really hard. Only suggestion I can make is could he do something over summer to help build his confidence? Sounds like he has lost sight of who he is. Lots of schemes run in summer- my dd did things like sailing/ trampolining/ tennis via council run sports schemes or at the local club which helped her and her fitness. Scouts? Intensive swimming course? It is tough- but try and give him opportunities to make friends out of school.

[mrsruffallo]

He sounds lovely!
Unfortunately, it seems hard to convince boys that the kids who aren't in the cool crowd are as much fun (usually even more fun) as those who are!
He will make the connection evenyually but in the meantime I second finding something to join outside of school and to make 'out of school' friends that way.

It's sooo hard isn't it?

[Rivercam]

Unfortunately, friendships can't be forced, and it's difficult when other children appear to be making friends, and you are the odd one out.

In school, can you encourage him to go,to clubs. What are his interests? Perhaps develop this over the summer holidays, so he will be more confident to join a relevant club at school next term.

Perhaps try a sport which is not active - golf may suit a non active lad.

[Leeds2]

Can only say that I too would encourage him to do a course or two over the summer, with the advantages that it will get him out of the house, may help him make friends and might give him some skills which he can transfer back into the school environment in September.

Would also have a look at what lunchtime clubs he could do in September. At DD's school, there are lots of non sporty/musical/drama activities which he might find interesting and will help him meet new people in an environment where they share an interest. Something like photography, or cookery, helping behind the scenes at a play or with the school magazine.

I am fairly certain that there will be at least one, probably more, boys in his year who feel exactly as your son does and it is a case of working out how to meet them.

[Homerun]

All great advice and so good to get positive perspectives. Yes, to holiday clubs - he is interested in rowing, so I will try that over summer as it is social and also good for fitness. Golf too.

Part of the current problem is that he started playing rugby for the school in year 7, but was the only one of his group of 'friends' not to be chosen for a prestigious tour abroad. That hit him very hard and I am torn between feeling really cross at the school for putting 12 yr olds (as he was then) through this kind of competitiveness and disappointment, and thinking this is part of life and he has to become more resilient. Mrs ruffalo, I second that being a parent of a teen is extremely hard - especially when you can no longer shield them from pain.

In common with other poster up thread, with similar issues, my ds's dad is not a secure presence in his life as he lives abroad and ds only sees him x 4 a year. I am sure at some level this feels like a rejection and has affected his confidence. He has a great stepdad, but it is not the same.

[twentyten]

Golf would be great- very sociable and great for building confidence. Lots of clubs run sessions over the summer. Good luck!

[lljkk]

Had something very similar with dS 2 weeks ago. He came home in a state & refused school the whole next day; I had to wind up the punishments to get anything out of him about details. Once I finally had full story I phoned our student support centre (pastoral care, do you have similar) & talking the whole situation thru with them. DS went to speak to them next day & DS even got an apology off one of the offenders.

Now DS says everything is great socially & not to hassle him. (I need one of those rolling head emoticons against a brick wall here).

[EduCated]

I know this is always trotted out as a stock answer on these threads, but would he consider trying Scouts? If you find the right group it can be great for the active-but-not-sporty types.

[Ludoole]

My nephew is the same age and he also says he doesn't have friends.
He is socially awkward even with us though.
His parents answer to this is that he doesn't need friends

[Becca32f]

Sounds like my 13 year old son, he does have a few friends at school but he calls them to hang not te other way around. We moved last year he is in the same school but now he can't ride his bike to find friends that r outside. It dossnt seem to bother him he stayed in his room for 3 weeks and never said can I call someone unti I asked him but his friends r always busy.

[Homerun]

Lljkk, speaking to pastoral support is a good suggestion. I will have to do it behind his back though as he freaks at any suggestion of involving school (kids calling him snitch etc).
Part of the problem is that he is incredibly sociable and would much rather be out and about, with friends than on computer or in his room.
He was in tears yesterday again (sat) as he said he had nothing to do. He'd spent morning at rugby, back at 2pm, then bored. Eventually, after lots of regected suggestions from me, we went on a bike ride.
Becca, I think hibernating is quite normal! yes, it's harder when they can't just 'hang out' with friends and everything has to be organised in advance.
I will try scouts edu; he was a member when younger (badgers I think) but didn't like. Maybe he'll reconsider now.
Am hoping this will get better in year 9 - I am worried abt him becoming despondent and/or depressed.

[lljkk]

He's old enough to consider Cadets, too. Doesn't need to fancy the military life, just the teamwork & purposefulness of it.

[chocoluvva]

Would he like to join a drama group? (sorry - a minority taste, so probably not) - putting on a production is a team effort.

Will his classes at school change after summer? Friendships sometimes develop from sitting beside someone new in class.

13 is such a difficult age.

[paulapantsdown]

I feel your pain. My DS is just finishing Y7, and has found friendships difficult. He came from a small primary with one form, and as he says, he didn't need to make the effort to make friends, they were just there, the same kids since he was 4. We knew all the parents, and as we live in the next street to the school, ours was the house that they all ended up at after school, or called here to walk to school with him in the morning.

He was more or less the only kid to go to his High School, and the kids he thought were the bees knees in the first 6 months have turned out to be not quite so, or have sort of rejected him. He is finding it hard to fit in and doesn't really have a "best" friend or a solid friendship group. He seems to drift from group to group.

He also misses having girls as pals, as apparently if you are seen even talking to a girl then you are either gay or they are your girlfriend!

I'm finding it hard to help him as he says I have no idea and don't understand. He doesn't believe that I was ever 12 I think!

[dementedma]

op that clunk you heard was my jaw dropping and hitti g the floor. I could have written that post word for word!!!
I wish I had the answers. We are now on school, hols so Ds is happy but whether we will ever get him back there after summer I don't know! The guidance team at the school have been very supportive so keep them in the loop. Cant help other than to empathise that you are not alone!

[tara49]

Yep - me too with DD. So sad for her. it's hard - told her to use lunchbreak for homework and take a book and just use school to get an education - what else can we do?
she's in a Saturday drama group but doesn't ever seem to quite fit in enough to make friends. I've stopped asking her to invite people over because she makes a million excuses - I think she knows they wouldn't come or she doesn't have the confidence to ask. Awful isn't it? no answers though - sorry.