Is it me?

[TalisaMaegyr]

I've recently given 16 year old dd a curfew of 10pm if she goes out with friends.

She's sensible, well-balanced and smart. She's never given me cause to think she can't be trusted, and I reward her accordingly, by letting her have a little bit more freedom.

The trouble is... none of her friends are allowed out after about 5pm! Why not? They're all very similar, none of them have been in trouble so far, they're good students, but they're just not allowed.

I honestly cannot understand why. Is it me? Am I too lax? She's a bit lonely, starting to get a bit desperate to start going out more, and she has nobody to do it with.

I'm confused. What do you all think?

[Lilaclily]

Do you mean in the week?
I think 10pm is quite late

I'd want mine home for dinner really

[TalisaMaegyr]

I would probably say 9 in the week, and 10 at weekends. I was certainly out until that time at that age, especially in the summer, and my mum was quite strict!

[Optimist1]

I think you're being very reasonable, but the approach I took with my kids when they were mid-teens was that they could go out if they were doing something, not just hanging about at the rec or similar. Are you friends with any of her friends' parents? Perhaps you could have a little conversation about them being of an age to start spreading their wings, etc.

[adeucalione]

I agree with Optimist. 9 or 10pm is fine if there's an arrangement to do something specific, but I would be discouraging my DC from staying out if they were just going to hang around at the park every evening.

My DC probably stay out until that time once or twice a week, if they've arranged to see a movie or go to a friend's for dinner.

[TalisaMaegyr]

Yes, I mean if there are arrangements to actually do something - but she can't arrange anything because none of them can go anywhere!

They're leaving school in a week and a half! I had quite a good social life at that age as I recall, but she's fighting a losing battle tbh.

I do know the parents, but they're not really the sort that would take kindly to me sticking my oar in I don't think.

I just hope she meets some people with some more freedom when she goes to college in September, but she has 3 months off before that and she's already thinking about how bored she'll be.

She should be trying to get a Saturday job imo, but that's another story!

[adeucalione]

Ah well if she's off to college in September I suspect her social life is about to pick up somewhat, and you'll shortly be posting about how she's never home

Maybe parents are being protective if they're in the throes of GCSEs?

She needs to plan something for the summer though, I agree.

[mummytime]

My 15 year old and her friends often go to town, and are still there after 5 pm, and have been since they were 13 or younger. They are shopping, maybe with a milkshake afterwards. She also sometimes goes to the Cinema or Nandos and is out after 5 pm (in fact that is often when films start).
Is this a temporary thing? Because it doesn't sound at all usual in my opinion.

[TalisaMaegyr]

Yes, and I've been the same really whilst they've been studying, but they do need some time off! And the other parents have always been like this.

I have said the same to her about it picking up adeucalione She doesn't believe me, obviously, as I know nothing

[TheWordFactory]

I don't mind $ine staying out if they're doing something - cinema, meal out, party. But I wouldn't want them doing it daily mid week. Then need to eat well, do their homework and get to bed for ten.

[cathyandclaire]

What about parties, they usually don't start 'til a few hours after her friends' curfew? My DDs don't go out often but I have certainly picked them up at around midnight for the odd special party/prom etc and there were many late nights after GCSEs finished.

< starts to panic that is a slack parent>

[BuzzLightbulb]

No, that 5pm thing is weird.

Although when I was that age it was get home from school, have dinner and then go out. Homework allowing.

You're lucky you've got a 16 yr old who is home for dinner and then back at night when asked so I wouldn't worry about the time. And what we see as hanging around is just them chilling together.

When I look back at the size of the group of kids that hung around our street we must have terrified some people! But we didn't do anything sometimes simply because we couldn't be bothered, or nobody wanted to play football, or we couldn't agree on doing one thing.

Probably not much different from being in your bedroom on social media.

[TalisaMaegyr]

You see, I'd much rather encourage socialising in person that on FB... they all do that most nights, and I want them to go out!

I'd be quite happy for her to come home, do some revision, have some dinner and then go out for a couple of hours, but she doesn't have anyone to go with, by all accounts. I just think it's odd.

And yes, Buzz, we used to hang out at the park, or on the street, loads of us - but we never caused any trouble, we were well mannered and well brought up, and we just wanted to chat and mess about.

cathy - they have sleepovers, that's fine, but one of them had a bbq last weekend and the gang were invited. It started at 4 and ended at 6

[Optimist1]

Are there any clubs she might be interested in attending over the summer? (I'm thinking photography, art, sports activity or similar). She would meet new people, possibly of her own age, and develop her social life a bit more? (And then in 6 weeks time we'll be responding to your "My DS has taken up with a crowd of older people who are leading her astray" thread! )

[exexpat]

A 5pm curfew is very odd - is that just while they are in the middle of exams?

I have a 15-year-old DS (year 11, doing GCSEs at the moment) and he goes out to gigs and parties well past 10pm, and has been for a year or two - but not during exams, obviously. He also goes and hangs out in a local green space with friends (both sexes) in the summer, with no defined curfew, though I do expect him to tell me if he won't be home for supper.

[bigTillyMint]

We don't have a curfew time for our DC - each time is decided and agreed upon. this might occur two or 3 times a month, on a Friday or Saturday night for our nearly 15yo DD. They would be going to a specific place like the cinema or for a meal out or at a friends, etc. If it is late and we don't think it's safe for them to walk/get the bus home, one of the parents will pick up.

5 o'clock sounds very over-protective! Does she have a particularly boring sensible group of friends who don't try to question their parents?

[yourlittlesecret]

Well I'd guess they are all up to their ears in GCSEs?
DS2 is 16 and I wouldn't expect him going out to 10 on a school night just now. In a couple of weeks when exams are over maybe they will all be set free?

[TalisaMaegyr]

They are yourlittlesecret - but only for another week! And this has been going on for a lot longer than that, even at weekends!

There aren't any clubs around here really Optimist, we're not in a big city or anything, it's all a bit rubbish. She's doing photography at college, so that would be ideal. I almost wish she was being led astray a bit! half joking

Her friends NEVER question their parents Tilly. This is something else I can't understand. One of her friends has had her prom dress thrown away twice as her mother thinks they were revealing... It's not.

[TalisaMaegyr]

exexpat - that sounds very reasonable to me.

At least they have mobiles these days, our parents didn't know where we were at all!

[bigTillyMint]

Talisa

How do some parents manage that level of control over their teens? No way would mine stand for that kind of thing. And nor would their friends. But I guess they just aren't interested in being friends with those kinds of kids.

[yourlittlesecret]

In that case it does sound over protective.
At 16 they are not that far from leaving home and going to uni. They need to learn how to take care of themselves, how to be safe and how to socialise. How can they learn if they are caged up? These are the ones who will go mad when they finally get some freedom.

I would not allow DS out unless I knew where he was, but having said that at 16 I don't have a particular curfew. Frankly I'm glad if he does anything other than sit in his cave. If he goes to the cinema or bowling then I'm ok whenever. We are very rural so he needs lifts there and back wherever he goes. There is one friend in the village and sometimes he will pop over there but not usually late in the evening.
The forthcoming prom will involve an all night t the after party .

[TalisaMaegyr]

Tilly - they're really lively, funny, nice kids. But they are ruled by their parents with a rod of iron. They never question the decisions, never really row with them, never defend themselves, never try and bargain. It's weird.

I totally agree with you yourlittlesecret. People leave home at 16, have babies! How are they supposed to learn independence if they're never given any? It astounds me, honestly.

[TalisaMaegyr]

And I tell you something. I know it's easy for me to say because dd is fab. But I'd rather have one with a bit of gumption than one that never questions my rules and decisions.

[bigTillyMint]

Talisa, I can't imagine having one without any gumption

[exexpat]

Are they members of a particularly strict religion or something? It really does sound odd for 16-year-olds to be on such a tight leash.

[bigTillyMint]

I wondered that, exexpat.

Well, DS(13) has just gone off on his bike to meet his mates in the park, saying he'll be back about 7. Seems perfectly reasonable to me.