Dses often difficult when been at their dad's - help!

[punygod]

Stbxh and I do 50/50.

The boys can be so difficult when I pick them up - it takes a day or two for them to get back to 'normal' - then it's more or less time for them to go again.

DS1 in particular comes back full of himself. His dad is a bit of a pompous arse, tbh, and ds comes back sounding just like him. He gives me a hard time from getting into the car. I feel sad because I miss them so much when they're not with me, and then it's often very hard work when they are :(

They are clearly given few boundaries at their dad's, so they expect to do little housework, be on the internet with no time limits, they swear more, etc.

They are 14 and 16, so not little.

How do I deal with this?

[littlegreenlight1]

Wow I could have written this about my ds 14! He is a hyperactive pain when he returns from his dads but also he sees my ex bf still as he grew up around him and omg he talks like him when he gets back - SO arrogant, I cringe listening to the stuff he comes out with. Ex bf is a bit sexist too so I am carefully monitoring how my DS speaks about women.
I usually just bring him back to earth by telling him he does not talk like that etc but it happens every week!!!

[punygod]

Sexism - yup.

I hear stbxh's Spectator opinions coming out of ds1's mouth and I hate it. It's a shame because I know he's lovely - he just has a rubbish role model.

Can't say that though, can you?

[littlegreenlight1]

Sounds stupid, but its only recently occured to me that I need to educate ds about women more. Obviously we have had sex talks but about not making fun of women, objectifying them etc.
Im going to have to leave articles lying around and hope he picks them up as he will die if I speak about them... will go from there. Exbf will deny that he is actually sexist, but "jokes" about that kind of thing arent really funny are they?

[heyday]

I think kids living with separated parents do have a tough time with the constant adjustments and just as they start to adapt its time to go back to their other parent with different rules, expectations etc... It's hard on them. Your kids are at that very difficult age anyway and are probably loving the laid back ways at their dads. I have very little advice really. Guess it's you that has to adjust to seeing your boys as 2 different characters. I would accept that they need a bit of space to adjust again which may make them quite awkward but do not accept any blatant rudeness from them. If you're too tough you will be seen as the bad guy, the nag etc etc it's just so difficult for you. All I can really recommend is to enjoy the time you have with them, have as much fun time as you can together and somehow learn to accept that's this is how it's going to be now. If there is any really outrageously bad behaviour then perhaps you can talk to your ex and find a way of dealing with it by showing a united front but he may not back you up on it anyway. It ain't gonna be easy I'm afraid.

[punygod]

That's good advice, heyday .

It's just good to vent, I guess.