Violent step child at my wits end.

[Stepmum1304]

I married a widower with a teenage son,we are coming up to our first anniversary. We are struggling to manage the teenage violent temper. There was an incident early on where the lad tried to hit me, I blocked him(did self defence in my younger days) I was really calm but scared and told him it was unacceptable. He made weird threats saying he'd make up a story and report me to social services for child abuse, we were sat at dinner and it was very random, I was chilled and said lies get exposed and he'd be in more trouble and life would be horrendous, he laughed. Amazing improvement all round, better at home,school,friends started coming round. I admit to having quite firm rules but he was brilliant. He is a fab kid. Then we noticed a pattern every 4 to 6 weeks has has a major explosion, triggers are tiny and the violence is terrifying, he had his dad on the floor by his throat and his fist ready to punch and I'm yelling with my hand out back off (like a cop in some drama,while holding onto two dogs). It did seem to stop him and he ran out if the house. Usually hubby has gone after him, this time he loaded me and dogs into the car, leaving mobiles at home(and house unlocked) and we drove out to the river and walked the dogs. We waited an hour and went home. It was like nothing had happened, kid is sat watching tv saying his hand is sore. One day of excellent sweet child and then he belted the dog(puppy) this morning because it had some fluff in its mouth. I grabbed the dogs and took them into the bedroom and he left for school. Hubby said he wants to wait to see if there is a hormone pattern, kid is so strong and I dread to think what he is capable of.

[neolara]

Sounds hideous. What have been the consequences for him becoming violent?

[Stepmum1304]

Consequences have been no treats or trips out, unfortunately his grandmother continues to give him pocket money.

[3littlefrogs]

I would be reporting every single incident to the police.
Currently he is getting away with it and you are showing him that you will not do any thing about it.
What will he have to do before you take action?

[3littlefrogs]

Sorry - cross posted.
Those consequences might work for a 7 year old.
It looks as though you are way past that now though.
Why does his GM give him money?
Does she know about his behaviour?

[Stepmum1304]

What sort of consequences would you advise? I have not had kids and so this is all new to me. I want to call the police because if it happened in the street that's what I would do.

[Stepmum1304]

Gm wants to keep him close, now I am thinking about it the kid is quite good at blackmail, it's like if gm doesn't give him money he won't run errands for her.

[ChaircatMiaow]

I would definitely call the police. It would scare the hell out of him and he absolutely needs to learn that there are serious consequences to this type of behaviour

[3littlefrogs]

I was going to ask if he was threatening or blackmailing her.
It sounds nasty and worrying.
How old is he?
I know you said teenaged, but there is a world of difference between 13 and 19 for example.

I have 3 DC, 25, 23 and 16 and while I have had my ups and downs with them, physical violence of any sort was never, ever on the radar.
It is not normal or acceptable at all, ever, under any circumstances.

[Stepmum1304]

He is 15.

[3littlefrogs]

Definitely police.
Consider drug use, in particular cannabis.
Who pays for his phone?
Do you know his friends?
How is he at school?

These are all things that you need to think about.

[heraldgerald]

I agree with the above- widen this out and talk to the adult who knows him best at school. Is there something else going on for him... Is he still grieving his mum, was her passing traumatic for him? There might be more to it than meets the eye and he may need professional support from a therapist. Try to talk to him try to keep all the lines of communication open. Good luck.

[heraldgerald]

I agree with the above- widen this out and talk to the adult who knows him best at school. Is there something else going on for him... Is he still grieving his mum, was her passing traumatic for him? There might be more to it than meets the eye and he may need professional support from a therapist. Try to talk to him try to keep all the lines of communication open. Good luck.

[Stepmum1304]

We have made an appointment at school,they have been worried about him,but shocked at what has happened at home. His mum was ill from when he was 2 years old, he never had a healthy mum,he has a very unemotional opinion of death,so grief is an issue, apparently he refused counselling when she died. Our neighbour, who has known the family for many years cornered me (he noticed all the door slamming and him running out of the house)and did tell me the child has been aggressive towards his dad for many years and since I moved in it has improved but it does need to stop,he has offered support if we need it.We have had a busy weekend visiting my family, they adore him, I told him we all love him to bits but I don't when he is kicking off. I am watching his behaviour a lot to see if I can spot changes.

[elastamum]

I think the sanctions you are using are way too soft for this type of behaviour. Talk to school and to other adults he interacts with and try to build a picture of whether this a pattern repeated elsewhere.

Agree a strategy with dealing with these outbursts with your H then follow it through. I recommend telling him you will call the police if it happens again then when it does then do it.

You need to establish some boundries to protect yourselves whilst you work out what the problem is. If he learns as a teenager that this is a behaviour with few consequences he may grow up to be a violent abuser. He needs professional support, but you also both need to be safe from harm in your home