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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

refuses to do revision for GCSE

15 replies

loopyloo123 · 10/05/2014 18:11

My son refuses to do any revision for his exams. He might, if very lucky, be able to get 5 Cs, but it's unlikely. He is predicted a D for Maths as it is. He is capable of As, his teachers have said, but since his attendance has been so poor, and he refuses to do any revision, they think he would be lucky to get Cs. He won't discuss this. He won't discuss the future and the consequences of failing year 11. I know he won't repeat the year - he simply won't attend. So what are my options I wonder? He is not interested in doing an apprenticeship or another college course like a BTECH. I know I won't be able to force him to go. So not really sure where this leaves us. Legally he isn't allowed to just sit at home and do nothing - and this is the last thing I want, but I'm not sure anyone is going to come looking for him and checking that he is in some kind of employment or study. He is totally in denial of the fact that the future is round the corner. I think opting out this way is his way of 'coping' with the pressure. But the consequences are disastrous. I'm at a loss.

OP posts:

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WillIEverBeASizeTen · 10/05/2014 21:22

I'm watching this with interest as I'm in a very similar position!
My DS "can't be bothered" and "doesn't care"...

I hope someone comes along and gives some sound advice..

TeenAndTween · 10/05/2014 22:03

Poor you.

No real suggestions.

Guess you have tried things like removing phone, COD, money or whatever, and he 'earns' them back by doing at least some focussed revision each day.
After all if he doesn't get grades, and an education and a job he won't be able to afford a phone, electronics, visiting mates etc, so he might as well get used to it.

On the other hand will that just push him further down into despair?

Might be a rubbish idea anyway.

Ziplex · 10/05/2014 22:17

That was my DS last year... as we speak now he is upstairs revising because he now knows he fucked up!!
He couldn't do the college course he wanted as he didn't get the grades , he couldn't work as he had no qualifications, so he went back to do his GCSE's.
Sometimes you have to let them fuck up so that they learn BUT it is so hard to watch!!

loopyloo123 · 11/05/2014 09:41

I fear we may end up in the same situation Ziplex. But in that case all will not be lost. I agree, and so did a councellor we saw about problems with him and his school refusal, that sometimes a person has to fail in order to see the error of their ways. I am just terrified failure takes away more of his self astern, which is extremely low anyway. And how would he redo these courses? I will have to resort to home study as there is no way he will go back to school to repeat the year, or to a college. I can't believe he is anxious even, seems quite chipper. It's almost as if he is testing himself to see just how much of a risk he can take, like a sort of Russian Roulette.
How did your DS handle the results and what did he do afterwards? I am heartened by your story of his coming to his senses though.
It's too late for punitive measures. Too risky. I think he would just say well sod it then I won't even go in and write them. I can't risk that.

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fifietta · 11/05/2014 18:24

So sorry to read this loopy, although I came on to talk specifically to see if anyone else was going through this. I'm in a very similar situation with my DD and I'm finding it hard to be her mum at the moment, as I fluctuate between feeling sorry for her and being so, so angry and exasperated! I hear about kids like Ziplex's but can't really imagine that that will be my DD, her self-esteem is so low and her stress about doing ANY work so high. On the other hand she has a fine old social life...

Ziplex, did your DS go back to the same school or another one/college?

loopyloo123 · 11/05/2014 19:14

Mine has zero social life either so that isn't even an excuse.

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MRJJ007123445667687876 · 11/05/2014 21:40

Loopy
I read your earlier threads - is your DS still doing his business with the dodgy internet deals? If so, he probably thinks that he does not need school and that he can make a living with these deals or some other internet venture.

Also, what does your DH/ his father say about all this? What is his opinion?

One more thing I would like say: every time you refuse to discipline/punish your DS you make it more likely that life will punish him in a much bigger way that you could ever punish him. The point of punitive measures by parents is to AVOID that life will do that to him.

Obviously, punishments need to be backed up by plenty of constructive conversations and also offers of having psychological help if he needs it.

loopyloo123 · 11/05/2014 21:58

His father is with me on this. And no, he doesn't do internet business anymore. Doesn't do much of anything. We gave him the option of leaving school after GCSEs to do a part time job or course, he adamantly refused to do anything less than A levels. He knows he can't make a living out of ebay. We tried to give him that let out and he was scornful of us even suggesting it. So he clearly doesn't seriously believe he can make a living through the internet.

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loopyloo123 · 11/05/2014 22:07

We have made every attempt to engage him in constructive conversation only to be rebuffed, and all efforts by us, the school, etc at psychological support have been rejected too.

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M2GMOJK · 11/05/2014 22:10

Hi Loopyloo,

My son has been in a very similar predicament, he has missed a lot of school and could very easily fail his gcse's. I have shot myself in the foot however as I sent him for an apprenticeship interview last week and he got the job! This should be and is great news, however he now thinks he doesn't need to revise.

I guess what I'm saying is that as hard as it us, you can't do it for them, and you can't make them care. If they are clever they will always find opportunities in life.
I myself left school wih one gcse and I have a good job now. I'm not saying you should do nothing but stressing will drive you insane and may not make a difference if your son isnt engaging. Good luck!

M2GMOJK · 11/05/2014 22:10

Hi Loopyloo,

My son has been in a very similar predicament, he has missed a lot of school and could very easily fail his gcse's. I have shot myself in the foot however as I sent him for an apprenticeship interview last week and he got the job! This should be and is great news, however he now thinks he doesn't need to revise.

I guess what I'm saying is that as hard as it us, you can't do it for them, and you can't make them care. If they are clever they will always find opportunities in life.
I myself left school wih one gcse and I have a good job now. I'm not saying you should do nothing but stressing will drive you insane and may not make a difference if your son isnt engaging. Good luck!

M2GMOJK · 11/05/2014 22:10

Hi Loopyloo,

My son has been in a very similar predicament, he has missed a lot of school and could very easily fail his gcse's. I have shot myself in the foot however as I sent him for an apprenticeship interview last week and he got the job! This should be and is great news, however he now thinks he doesn't need to revise.

I guess what I'm saying is that as hard as it us, you can't do it for them, and you can't make them care. If they are clever they will always find opportunities in life.
I myself left school wih one gcse and I have a good job now. I'm not saying you should do nothing but stressing will drive you insane and may not make a difference if your son isnt engaging. Good luck!

loopyloo123 · 11/05/2014 22:15

Thank you M2Gmojk. glad about apprenticeship!! Thanks for your support.

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MRJJ007123445667687876 · 12/05/2014 10:44

glad to hear he has given up his business. Your Ds sounds like an exaggerated version of our ds. However, our ds is open to lots of conversations and psychological help but he STILL does not revise...enough...there has been a slight improvement, though, to give him credit.

I think boys can be incredible arrogant, big-headed and stubborn. My brother was like that, too. He did not even talk to anybody for a number of years and nearly failed school. Now he is a PHD physicist married with four children - success allround! I always think of him when I despair about my ds.

MRJJ007123445667687876 · 12/05/2014 10:47

Also, want to say that we heavily incentivise - there is no pocket money other what he earns for good grades and no computer times whatsoever until all Ds have disappeared from his reports.

Some would not agree with this kind of interference but we think its making some good effect.

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