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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

13 year old son having sex with 13 year old gf

112 replies

ROCKQUEEN · 24/04/2014 23:53

Was shocked to discover my 13 year old son is having sex with his girlfriend. They've been doing it in his bedroom, even though I said door must remain open. Pleased they are using condoms but said no way are they doing it here. She's not allowed to have him at her house and her parents are strict (her dad doesn't even know she has a boyfriend). They did it again, in my parents house (my dad caught them), then my husband caught them in my other son's room at it. I went round and told her mother. Although it was a bit tricky as she (the mother) doesn't speak English, although she understood me alright when I introduced myself and told her they were having sex. I thought she had the right to know. I have a 10yr old daughter and i would want to know. Plus I felt I was dealing with this alone and wasn't sure what to to/how to deal with it. I told the GF I wanted her to talk to her mum about the pill and I was worried an accident might happen. Cross with my son for being so blatant and not seeming to care where he does it, even though I don't condone it, I'm realistic to know they are not going to stop even though they can't do it here. She is no longer allowed here. Not really sure how to deal with it, how to deal with him. Any advice? thanks

OP posts:

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Helpys · 24/04/2014 23:56

I don't even know where to start. If this is true, you need to massively step up your parenting. Having discovered this you should have ensured they're never alone. Ground him.

AngryBeaver · 25/04/2014 00:22

God, that's horrendous. And very sad.
They're just children, they should NIT be at this level at all.
Did you and your family not absolutely hit the roof with him?
If this was my son he would not be allowed out of my SIGHT for the foreseeable future.
The relationship would END. School would be informed.

You need to step up here.

NatashaBee · 25/04/2014 01:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngryBeaver · 25/04/2014 03:15

I don't think it's a case of "teens will find a way"? They are only 13.
Very young.
Not 15/16.
His mother has the power to keep him inside and away from this girl. She can ensure that they don't find a way.
Her family keeps her away, op's family keep him away.
School watch them. That's the end of that.
Also, they need to know there will be consequences if this happens again.
It's against the law, for one.

SavoyCabbage · 25/04/2014 03:43

Me too. I would be making it impossible for them to find a way.

And I would tell the school so they could be on it too .

TravellingToad · 25/04/2014 05:50

Christ you seem to just accept that this will happen. They are 13. THIRTEEN. Step up your parenting and put a stop to this. Ground him until he's 16 if you have to.

HolidayCriminal · 25/04/2014 05:58

I think OP means they won't stop trying, not that she's impotent to stop them. Need to have some heart to heart talks about why they shouldn't be doing this yet, OP.

Sparklingbrook · 25/04/2014 06:50

Why do you feel you are dealing with this alone?

tigermoth · 25/04/2014 07:17

If you have stopped the gf visiting your home and your son isn't allowed to visit her home, how will they be able to find a way to have sex together? You seem sure they will find a way.

Are you grounding him - ie no visits to other peoples house where he might meet up with his gf etc?

If he's only allowed to go to school and is under adult supervision whenever he goes out, how can he possibly find a way to have sex with this girl?

Are you worried they might have sex at school or on the journey to and from school?

ElizabethJennings · 25/04/2014 07:23

If the school find out about this without you telling them it will be a safeguarding issue. You need to tell them.

Groovee · 25/04/2014 07:24

Keep them out of the bedrooms. In the living room/conservatory or wherever you are.

Why were they at your parents? You need to speak to him with your dh and get him to understand that he can't go to someone else's house and have sex. He needs to understand the consequences too.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 25/04/2014 07:27

Tell the school. She can come round but only stay in communal areas. He doesn't go to hers. They don't go out together after school or on weekends. He can't stay out with friends unless you can trust the parents to make sure she is t there.
They are 13. You can stop this.

lunar1 · 25/04/2014 07:36

I'd stop her coming to your house for a start. And ground your son so he can't find somewhere to meet her. I would also tell school.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 25/04/2014 07:59

There but for the grace of God...

I think you need to sit down with your son and look at the law regarding this. Sex with an under 13 year old is statutory rape, even if the girl consents, because she is too young and it is child abuse. Sex under the age of 16 is still illegal. If her parents were to press charges, he could potentially end up on the child offender's register.

When my DD had a 13yo boyfriend, I made it very clear. I was amazed that neither of them knew that sex was illegal for them (he was 17..don't get me started on that one. We were lucky, they were not gaving sex, but I didn't know that for sure until much later.) I can understand how you feel about grounding, as teenagers can and do walk out of the house when they want. You do need to have some limits and consequences. We did have things in place which kept DD wanting to live at home and eventually she put those things, and her independance and freedom of choice first and broke off with the boyfriend who was starting to get a bit over protective. Ironic really, and it was thanks to DH that I didn't ground her.

He needs to know that when he has had sex, he has put his girlfriend in a very dangerous position. Sex is not supposed to be like that. It is not a good start to his own emotional development. Having a baby or an abortion at that age is a very difficult and potentially dangerous process physically and potentially desastrous emotionally and something that would stay with her for her whole life. Obviously, if she had a baby that child would have to live with this legacy too.

You do need to tell the school and any sports clubs that he is a part of, or anywhere else outside of school he frequents. They will support you and expect you to be talking to your son and want what is best for him (I.e. to not have sex and to stop wanting to at that age).

He needs to accept he cannot have sex until he is 16.

Ledkr · 25/04/2014 08:12

He is also 13. So could not be done for statutory rape anymore than she could be done for raping him!

I'm not sure you will be able to stop them now that they have started.

I guess you just have to supervise them constantly.

Your son sounds as I'd he has problems with boundaries though, not bothered that he's caught and shagging all over the place.
He Needs a general reminder that he's 13 I think.

LIZS · 25/04/2014 08:23

What was your dh's reaction ? He needs to sit your son down and tell him what's what. I'm amazed they feel so comfortable to carry on wherever, is it bravado, do they want to be caught ? You cannot condone this for the sake of your other dc as much as them and her parents also need be involved. If you do not feel her family have understood then speak to the HOY or whoever handles pastoral care. You need to put as much distance between them as possible, 13 yr olds should not have such freedom that enables them to be alone.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 25/04/2014 08:35

Not only is if against the law, but if she accidentally gets pregnant (not unlikely as they are having sex in a rushed fashion) it could do serious and permanent physical damage to her body, whether she has the baby or not. She is a child and probably hasn't even finished growing herself.

Spottybra · 25/04/2014 08:56

Been there.....for over 3 years we had constant chats about std's, the importance of condoms, how making sure various girlfriends were also on the pill to ensure double contraceptive. Told him we weren't happy about his sex life because we didn't think anyone had the emotional maturity to handle the extra responsibilities that come with it but emphasised safe sex. 3 much younger cousins meant he knew what a baby meant and he hated having his sleep disturbed so we were quite certain he would be careful. To the point we were prepared to accept texts such as 'just used my last condom, if you're at the shops could you get me some more please' (although in teenage text this would take me 10 minutes to decipher).
Despite all that we have dealt with a teenage pregnancy. It wasn't the disappointing nightmare it was painted out to be.
They are wonderful parents.

But there's no lads holiday to Ibiza now for his 18th.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 25/04/2014 09:04

You will have to not let her over, accompany him to school and pick him up. If you work, you may have to consider a family member, could his grandfather help? Ground him completely. It will be really tough and I feel for you but better than them being parents at 1:.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 25/04/2014 09:04

13

eightyearsonhere · 25/04/2014 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 25/04/2014 09:16

when i was at school late 80's 90's loads of 13 year olds had BF's and were having sex or so they said ? my dad had me when he was 15. I legally lost my virginity and had kids in my mid 20's. I have a feeling things are even worse now as its much more open sex wise and with TV etc. Sounds worrying they are not arsed if they get caught, i would imagie in my day people went to great effort to conceal the fact they were having sex for fear of getting caught. I am dreading this a i have a 12 year old.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 25/04/2014 09:22

Your 13 year old son could be becoming a parent any day now. Be a parent yourself or he could also be a grandparent before very long.

moreyear · 25/04/2014 09:26

eightyearsonhere the boy is 13 too - should the girl's parents feel lucky the OP hasn't reported them to social services?

The age of consent in England and Wales is 16 regardless of sexual orientation or gender, as specified by the Sexual Offences Act 2003. I am not disagreeing that they shouldn't be having sex - just pointing out that the 13 year old boy bears no more legal responsibility than the 13 year old girl.

alita7 · 25/04/2014 09:32

some of the comments on here are a bit harsh!!

I had sex very young and it was no reflection on my parents, except maybe rebellion against the strict Catholic upbringing. I wasn't allowed to have him out of their site in their home and it was the same at his as he went to our church too. so we found other places to do it... my parents tried to prevent it!

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