13 year old daughter with boyfriend

(59 Posts)
bonkersblonde Sun 20-Apr-14 22:45:33

Hi, first post, hoping for some sound advice and thanks in advance!
My 13 year old daughter in Year 8 has been seeing a 16 year old boy in yr11. I and my husband are deeply worried because of the age gap. He has messed her around, they've been on/off and when she said she wouldn't go out with him, he said he'd picked 3 fights at school that day because he was upset.
They are apparently "going out" although we've now said she isn't allowed out without adult supervision. I don't want to control her life, but he seems very unsuitable and I really worry that she's trying to grow up too fast. She's recently taken to wearing too much make up and straightening her hair daily and looks like a clone of loads of other girls instead of looking like herself.

Having seen some of the messages between them, they are declaring love for each other which is ridiculous. I really worry that she'll get herself into a situation she can't control.

Rambling a bit, apologies, but really concerned!

PollyCazaletWannabe Sun 20-Apr-14 22:50:33

As a teacher I would be very worried about this. My year 11s consider year 8s to be little kids and don't give them a second glance- I would imagine that the boy either has some kind of SN or there is a more sinister reason for him getting involved with your daughter. Sorry OP. my advice would be to contact the head of year ASAP.

Custardo Sun 20-Apr-14 22:53:55

as the parent of 2 boys ( now men) i was insanely worried when they were 16 and had 15 yr old GFs in same year re: allegtions of statuatory rape

I would explain to boyfriend that i would prosecute Re: statutory rape

I would talk to his parents - who - if sensible in any way - will also be worried about this

I would password protect the internet - not the computer - the wifi and make sure that access is restricted at home.

i would require daughter to go to school and come straight home

I would require the boyfriend to fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck - and would tell him so

bonkersblonde Sun 20-Apr-14 22:59:56

Thanks, this is just what I hoped to hear! I'm a teacher too, but unfortunately my daughter and this lad go to separate schools. I have thought about contacting his school and asking them to contact his parents on my behalf. Luckily, I have access to her FB as she uses the same password for everything(stalker mum) so I am aware of what's being planned. She doesn't currently have her phone or tablet but keeps sneaking a device to message him on.

We have to leave her on Thursday as I have a training course for some exam marking I'm doing and my husband has a morning job, daughter has an orthodontist appt, she's planning to meet him. Think I'll get my mum to take her to and from the Ortho.......

bonkersblonde Sun 20-Apr-14 23:02:19

And Custardo, telling him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and then a bit more was EXACTLY what we plan on doing. He looks a bit wimpy and my husband is 6'4".......

HolidayCriminal Sun 20-Apr-14 23:02:26

My fear is if you apply pressure, he'll just be all the more attractive.

Clones: is this itself so bad? Lots of girls want to look the same, I wouldn't make an issue of it.

Sex Offender: I wonder about laying it on about the trouble he could get in and how she wouldn't want to live with the guilt that would follow; it would never be her fault, but it's risky for both (in so many ways you don't even want to try to list them all). They both have to be careful.

Love: her feelings are real to her. Don't dismiss directly or let her know that you find them ridiculous.

Fights: is she flattered because an older boy likes her? I wonder about opening up dialogue about what she likes about him, without accusations. Keeping lines of communication open is usually a good idea! Just ask her to talk about him. I'd be wanting to find out if self esteem issues are part of the attraction for her, and then therefore could I find other ways to boost her self-esteem so that she didn't need a boy like that.

PollyCazaletWannabe Sun 20-Apr-14 23:03:57

I would contact both schools.

Can I ask- how did they meet, if at separate schools?

titchy Sun 20-Apr-14 23:05:18

Just to add make sure she isn't able to send him photos of herself, so mobile with no camera or email only. By this summer he'll be either be going to sixth form, or doing an apprenticeship and onto the next stage of his life which won't include your dd hopefully.

bonkersblonde Sun 20-Apr-14 23:27:58

She catches a bus to school, he's a friend of a lad on the bus. My husband thinks that we should maybe say they can meet but only here at home when we're at home. That way, he'll be less of a forbidden attraction.

Phone and all devices confiscated for now, wifi password being changed as we speak.
With no screen, she's rediscovering books and drawing, every cloud.....

As to looking like every other girl, she's so quirky and funny (biased, I know) and has such fantastic curly hair it's such a shame to see her obliterating herself. I do know she has to find her own look, just difficult to watch it!

PollyCazaletWannabe Sun 20-Apr-14 23:37:24

Sounds vv dodgy to me, sorry. I agree to having him round to make him less taboo and therefore less desirable. Good luck.

bonkersblonde Sun 20-Apr-14 23:43:37

Thanks everyone, blimey, it was easier when she was 2 and into everything so much that we had to lock all the bedroom doors to stop her emptying all the drawers.

And I thought that was tricky parenting......

alita7 Sun 20-Apr-14 23:46:16

Hmm I think 2 years is a big enough difference at 13. to clarify is he 2 or 3 school years above and is the age gap more like 1 or 3 years depending on birthdays.
I would also be cautious BUT she has shown she is somewhat trustworthy as she has told you his real age which she could have lied about.
maybe get her a cheap phone without a camera that she can text him from that is confiscated after bed time and during school hours? and start with supervised contact.

just remember that It's going to be hard to allow her suitable freedom no.
what if she wants to go out with other friends? is she going to loose out on her social life because she has a boyfriend you don't want her alone with? because while you can drive her to and from friends houses what if they want to go shopping?
what if she gets fed up of restrictions and tells you they've broken up, how will you know the truth and therefore when will you feel you can return the privileges.

I am of course assuming things, like that she had her phone on her and Internet access with or without restrictions before and that she was allowed out with friends under certain conditions?

what I mean is that she has umwittingly gotten you into a difficult position in which you won't know how to keep her safe without removing all her freedom. and you have to have a big think about how you're going to deal with all these added problems that stem from her having an older bf.

BUT like I said, her being honest about his age says to me that, if you don't restrict her too much she will be trustworthy to an extent, at her age, if I was honest and the consequences were the removal of my freedom, then I simply would not be honest in future, so you need to get the balance right so as to keep the balance of trust.

alita7 Sun 20-Apr-14 23:47:32

sorry
more like 2 or 4 years not 1 or 3.

bonkersblonde Mon 21-Apr-14 00:09:58

I'm in a quandary about no freedom at all. Yes, she was allowed out with friends shopping before and she had an old smartphone and a kindle fire which we would attempt to get from her at bedtime but would sometimes forget.

I don't want to remove all freedom or control her life at all, but as you say, there's a whole raft of issues that go along with an older bf. we will probably go with the supervised meetings at home and see how it pans out. I'm hoping he'll want to hang out with his own age group in the summer and it will just fizzle out. Luckily, my husband works from home and I work part time, so we can be around quite a bit more than some parents, luckily for us.

It doesn't help that my older daughter (17 and in 6th form) has had a bf for over a year. Bit different as only a year between them, they were friends for ages first and it's all quite appropriate and suitable. We now know his parents and they have mutual friends who we also know. Younger one seems to want the same freedom and privileges.

bonkersblonde Mon 21-Apr-14 00:11:58

He's 3 school years ahead, her birthday is in Sept and so is his, so exactly 3 years older.

foxdongle Mon 21-Apr-14 12:38:41

hi this kind of happened to my daughter (12), although the difference was she wasn't his girlfriend ;
a year 11 kept telling her he thought she was pretty and that he fancied her and would she go out with him? she wanted to just be friends with him, but he kept pestering, so she told a teacher and school had a word with him. that was the end of that.

I'd be worried as he is emotionally blackmailing your daughter to go out with him by picking fights if she doesn't .
also if she said she wouldn't go out with him before is she even that bothered about him?
He needs to do you a favour and find a girlfriend his own age.

perhaps have a chat about big sisters age when she started going out with her bf and why the age gap is fine and why it's better to wait a bit? You can only try.

My daughter is the same age as yours.
The rules are no boyfriends (she is not, imo, emotionally mature enough and I have watched her friends become obsessed with their 'relationships' to the detriment of other areas of their lives), no make up for school, no 'hanging around' ie she can go out to town or the cinema but not out on the streets. I also have passwords to her facebook and other social networking sites and check them regularly.

Imo allowing boyfriends at 13 regardless of their suitability is dangerous. Far too young.

specialsubject Mon 21-Apr-14 13:49:09

the best thing is to make her see that he is no catch at all. He is not interested in her for her fantastic conversation or inch-thick makeup. There is only one thing he's after and he won't hang around if he gets that. But he will probably tell the entire school that he did.

if he was really bothered about her he wouldn't have messed her about nor would he use emotional blackmail. I'd also be concerned that the next stage is bullying into photos that will be all over the internet.

life lesson for her - he's a loser.

(ps but I do have 'fantastic curly hair' but I have it straightened, looks much better...)

alita7 Mon 21-Apr-14 14:12:24

I'm sorry I don't agree with banning boyfriends, if they are age appropriate I think it is important to learn the basics of a relationship before you start getting to an age where you are likely to have sex soon, I think building up those basics before they are ready for sex teaches them that sex isn't the most important part of it.
I also think that banning her from being with him or anyone else will cause her to rebel and do it behind your back so I think you have the right idea with supervised contact.

But like I said, please please don't take away all privileges - let her go shopping with friends like before but go shopping too, so she knows that if she isn't with her friends then you may catch her out. call her at some point during the trip and ask to speak to a friend so you know she's still with them. The more she proves she is trustworthy give her more freedom, BUT test it from time to time incase she is pulling your bluff.

Another thing I would add is don't judge his choice to be with a younger girl based on age - when you meet him you may find that he's more like her in age If he's behind on puberty and it might be that he can't find a girl his own age, and is unpopular or bullied at his own school. Don't forget it is natural for girls to go for a guy a little older, though 3 years is too much at 13.

peggyundercrackers Mon 21-Apr-14 14:12:52

he sounds like a bit of a dick. i think your oh should have a little chat with him 'man to man in a you hurt my gaughter i will knock your teeth out' kind of way

HolidayCriminal Mon 21-Apr-14 17:52:34

I wish there was more room on this thread for your sympathetic views, Alita7. all this assuming the boy is a dangerous predator or loser or both, rather than an insecure immature fellow teen, argh.

flow4 Mon 21-Apr-14 17:58:15

I'd be worried, as a parent of either the boy or the girl in this situation. Three years is too much. But before assuming he has dodgy motives, just be sure she has been honest about her age. When my DS1 was 15, he briefly went out with a girl who was 13, who had told him she was 14. Thankfully when he found out her real age, he thought she was too young.

One major disadvantage of this age gap is that they will have different social circles, and so are unlikely to be hanging around in big groups of friends, which in itself offers some protection. DS2 (14) has a girlfriend (also 14) and although I worry about them being 'too young' and keep an eye on them at home, most of their time together is spent also with several other friends, in public places like the cinema and park, so to some extent chaperoned. This is less likely to happen with your DD, because of the age gap.

I am with Alita,

And horrified at telling the boy ( a BOY not a sex crazed predator, not all boys are like that, you know) to "fuck off" or that he will get his teeth knocked out. Nice. Not.

It could well be that they are in love. It happens.

nooka Mon 21-Apr-14 19:25:55

My dd is also 13 and last term had one of ds's older friends get a bit obsessed with her. Similar age gap as he turned 16 at the beginning of December (dd is also a Sept baby). I hadn't realised that he was so old as ds is only just turning 15 and was very worried, especially as dd was finding it difficult to continually turn him down and ds was very narked about the whole thing. I was a bit inclined to have a word with him about leaving her alone. Then he asked her to the cinema and I ended up taking all three of them and realised he was a sweet, naive and fairly immature kid with a major crush that he wasn't handling very well.

That said I was very glad when he moved his affections to someone else.

In the OPs shoes I would be worried, no doubt. Not totally sure how I'd handle it except to try and get to know the boy as much as possible, see how they interact in person and keep lines of communications open.

bonkersblonde Mon 21-Apr-14 21:31:48

Hi all, thanks for all your replies.

My daughter has just sneaked onto a laptop again and been messaging him, laptop removed and password changed yet again, goodness knows how she did it as my husband changed the wifi password last night.......maybe she's a computer genius...

I took her out shopping myself today, took her to the cinema, she said she'd had a great day then she replays me by sneaking behind my back, I was furious!

Having had a calm chat with her this morning, she agreed in principle that a 3 year gap was too much, but obviously doesn't believe it. In the messages they are talking about cuddles when she goes to his house, that may be innocent as there isn't any other innuendo there. The way I feel now, I want to lock her up for the next 5 years......

I'm just so glad I'm not at work this week as sleep is a long distant memory. I do think that maybe he's a bit immature for his age as he's not very tall yet (I haven't seen him but my husband has). It just means that all the new found freedom we have recently rediscovered as a couple is right out of the window like leaving the kids for the afternoon or allowing her out with friends.

Good idea about allowing her out with friends and ringing to make sure she's with them, except that her best friend is complicit in this so would just lie on her behalf.

Think we just have to take a retrograde step and supervise her more closely. A shame, I was only saying this morning to her that I didn't want to keep her in the whole time, hence the shopping trip.

Could scream!

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