14yo dd too goody-goody?

(27 Posts)
catwoman2000 Wed 16-Apr-14 00:34:03

I have a really unusual question. My 14yo dd is very well behaved. She gets excellent marks at school (top of her class in a high achieving girls school), has a few hobbies (piano at grade 7/8, likes jogging, tennis, art). However, she is an only child and doesn't really socialise with people her age. Ironically, she is popular at school as she helps others understand things, helps them with homework, catch up when ill etc. But she refuses to meet her friends outside of school hours. Most of her hobbies are solitary, not in a club. She is not anti-social, as in she is very comfortable relating to everyone, but doesn't seem to enjoy it. She also is adamant that she will never, under any circumstances, drink alcohol, take drugs or go out with boys. She talks to boys very rarely (family friends and cousins mostly), and generally avoids them as she says that she finds boys boring. I am concerned that she won't be ready for the 'adult world'. All her friends go to parties, but she will never go as she says that they behave inappropriately. Is this ok?

ElseaStars Wed 16-Apr-14 00:50:12

She will open up eventually. If your DD has good grades will uni be on the cards at some point. Lots of opportunity to get into trouble grin. Of course it's ok. Some 14 year olds are terribly behaved. Maybe she is an introvert? Have you spoken to your DD about your worries? She may of had a bad experience at some point that you don't know about.

Jellaby Wed 16-Apr-14 00:50:50

Is she happy? That's all that matters.

Plenty of people go through life with modest interests. It might all change at uni, it might not.

I'd be fine as long as she is content.

TheZeeTeam Wed 16-Apr-14 00:59:20

Does she know you are worried?

TheAwfulDaughter Wed 16-Apr-14 01:04:06

I don't really have anything to offer, but I had a few friends like that and it all went out of the window after the first few house parties they attended (after deeming them stupid before)...! They found their way, but they needed their hair held more than anyone else and were very naive when it came to relationships.

I honestly think it's good to have your introduction into the 'adult world' when it's a bit more controlled. If she doesn't know her limits or have very much confidence around boys by sixth form, it is worrying. When you're about 17-18, the stakes are higher if you aren't very streetwise. You're legally off your tits on Sainsburys basics White Rum and getting pestered for sex, rather than 4 of you to a large bottle of contraband alcopops and having teenage fumbles blush Does that make sense?

Your DD sounds lovely though, and these are just my experiences, so all I can really say is make sure that you talk to her about drugs/sex/booze, even though it may not be an issue now. Even if she is a bit 'goody goody' now, you want to establish good channels of communication for when she grows up. If it's a bit weird to talk to her about it just off the bat and she doesn't respond well, maybe watch some teen/young adult dramas together which you can discuss afterwards?

TheAwfulDaughter Wed 16-Apr-14 01:10:22

My post was a little bit odd, I definitely don't think that OP should shove DD and her friends out the door with a bottle of WKD so they learn their limits early, just sympathising with the not ready for the 'adult world' bit.

Will never forget one of my best friends from school, studious little choir girl who hated house parties and needed serious convincing to come to my 18th having to be put to bed by 10pm after claiming that she'd 'just have a cider...' Oh dear. I'm very glad we didn't choose to go out to town that evening!

She's perfectly okay now though grin

dunsborough Wed 16-Apr-14 01:16:39

She sounds fine. Enjoy it.

I was like that at 14. By 16 I was flunking everything, drinking and smoking everything.
Stay alert.

Theas18 Wed 16-Apr-14 01:26:04

Honestly? Stop looking for things to worry about that might never be a problem !

Use the news and the fabulous " I read in mumsnet about.....and I was wondering what you though...." Gambit to talk through issues

(Eg " gosh I read on mumsnet that some mums buy alcohol for their 14 yr olds to take to parties and I didn't know what to think.....what do your mates do?" )

Keep communicating and you'll both be fine.

You certainly describe my eldest at 14. By 16 she had a modest social life but not really much before. Now she's about to do her finals and seems to juggle a lively Social life ( social secretary for her subject society )with a good academic path and a choral scholarship .

Actually reflecting on it DS found a social life at about 16 too...he's now 18 and seems to be the one holding the girls hair and coordinating taxis, rather than getting pissed regularly himself ( keep up the music/ tennis he tells me Saturday morning orchestra is a reason not to over indulge on fri night lol).

TheVictorian Wed 16-Apr-14 01:26:16

She seems quite level headed and a smart kid.

Naoko Wed 16-Apr-14 01:34:58

I was like that at 14. At 18 I went to uni, where I still didn't drink, smoke or do drugs, but did sharply develop a social life. At one point someone queried at a party why I wasn't drinking, and my best friend saved me the hassle of replying with 'because unlike the rest of us, Naoko doesn't seem to need to get pissed to have fun'.

Is she happy? If she's happy, I wouldn't worry. She sounds smart. Getting into troubke is not compulsory, and if she's smart and you're giving her the opportunity to experience the world (even if she's not necessarily accepting those opportunities right now) she will be fine.

NeedAdvice2014 Wed 16-Apr-14 01:37:18

She sounds like my lovely, sensible niece. She is now 16, a bit less introverted but still focussed. She has got interested in a boy now, of course she has chosen one who is sensible, respectful and academic.

I would keep lines of communication open and try not to worry or cross bridges before you come to them. If you decide on the teen drama route, I suggest watching Gilmore Girls. The themes sound relevant and it's quite enjoyable. Good luck!

Chells Wed 16-Apr-14 03:14:54

You are SOOO lucky to have such a lovely, sensible girl! Long may it last!

To be frank, I was very similar as a teen and never did see the point of teen angst/drugs/drink etc.... Made more friends at uni stage, had a blast clubbing as the 'sober one' who was designated driver and had all the ammunition on drunken mates!!!
I Have a successful career, two gorgeous DC and a wonderful husband who finds it funny that I've never been drunk!

Maintain your good relationship, she sounds like a mature young lady who will be a credit to you and your family. gringringringrin

Bumbershoot Wed 16-Apr-14 03:53:04

I was like this at 14 - very very straight laced. All went out the window by the time I was 16 though! IME it's not unusual for some earlier teens to have a slightly pious stage when they don't quite get all the things they're "supposed to" be doing yet - and then they get there. If not, lucky you, you've got a sensible one. As long as she's happy and not unable to cope with social situations (and it sounds like she is) I wouldn't worry too much.

LongTimeLurking Wed 16-Apr-14 18:04:58

OP that sounds simply awful. hmm

Perhaps you should buy her some alcopops and fags then send her out to the local yoof club to meet some nice boys.

EggcupGoddess Wed 16-Apr-14 18:15:44

"She also is adamant that she will never, under any circumstances, drink alcohol, take drugs or go out with boys."

Haha, I was like this right up to the age of 18. However, I can reassure you that at university I got horribly drunk and lost my virginity just like everyone else.

I'm sure she'll be fine.

basildonbond Wed 16-Apr-14 20:02:19

She's only 14 - there's more than one way to be a teenager you know ..,

My 14 year old ds would rather have his arms chewed off by crocodiles than go to a teen party, is not interested in alcohol or drugs. Maybe he'll change (would be surprised but hey...), maybe he won't ... He's got plenty of friends at school who he hangs out with online

Ds1(17) hasn't been to a party for months - he says they're full of people talking shit and if he goes he'll end up drinking too much and snogging someone inappropriate grin

HolidayCriminal Wed 16-Apr-14 20:06:54

She sounds fine. Don't fix what isn't broken.

specialsubject Thu 17-Apr-14 20:56:17

I've never taken drugs. I tried a bit of alcohol, didn't like the taste, didn't bother again.

I've had plenty of fun and hope to continue to do so.

you will notice what I haven't said that I've never done... smile...

foxdongle Fri 18-Apr-14 00:48:19

teenageness hit me late.
until 15 although very sociable, I was dead serious, anti drugs, make-up, fashion, smoking, alcohol, boys - the lot.
the parties I attended were tame.

then I hit 16 shock

Tbh your dd sounds fine to me

circular Tue 22-Apr-14 19:15:39

I agree with Theas18 - may never be a problem. As long as you keep communicating.

Seems those that have lots of hobbies are too wrapped in these to get up to much. and most of their socialising is around the hobbies.
Quite thankful when I heard some of the stories from DD1 from yr9 onwards.
DD1 is 16, her social life is mainly music ensembles, shopping trips / coffee with friends, round each others houses to make cakes. Occasionally cinema, bowling, museum, live concerts. Birthday celebrations more likely to be meals out. So even those that do socialise can do so quite sensibly.
Recently changed schools for 6th form, in a very large mixed friendship group, no house parties so far. Some of the group are couples, but DD never had a boyfriend.
She has the odd glass of wine at home but not really interested in alcohol, very anti-smoking.
Hopes to go to Uni. Whenever we discuss the possible 'Uni experience' of being away from home she seems uninterested in that aspect.

jaysaway Wed 23-Apr-14 12:55:38

she is only 14 she will be fine my dds dont take drugs dd2 has never been drunk although I do allow her to drink on occasion and the whole party thing has just started although she never goes, dd1 was 15 before she went out with her friends she wasnt thatfussed really don't worry they dont all have to be pissed and snogging boys to know how to relate she will be fine,

jaysaway Wed 23-Apr-14 12:57:44

and tbh i have seen some of the states these kids get into be careful what you wish for,

jaysaway Wed 23-Apr-14 12:59:59

op there is lots of teenagers out there that are like this there is nothing wrong with it, dd2 nights out are cinema or nandos and home by 9 usually <shrug>

Cocolepew Wed 23-Apr-14 13:05:26

My 16yo DD is like this. She's much more comfortable with her own company. She's happy so I let her be.

morethanpotatoprints Wed 23-Apr-14 13:18:11

My eldest was like this, he is 22 now and still pretty similar in personality although nearly married.
He hardly drinks at all and would rather taxi friends around and earn a bit grin
He has never been into large crowds and parties but can communicate well with all sorts of people.
I really wouldn't worry OP, if she is happy that is great.
Think how worried you would be if she was wasting her life at parties, getting drunk or taking drugs.

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