Sulky, arrogant teenage girls. Please tell me they get nicer.

[craggyhollow]

Dd is 14. She's cocky, arsey and argumentative. There used to be flashes of a sweet, fun loving girl but since she's discovered selfies and going out with her mates, all are seems to think about are her looks and what she's going to wear on Saturday evening.

I find it really boring and can't find anything to bond over.

She's been at a friends for a few days and her sisters were really looking forward to seeing her but she's shot upstairs glued to her phone to see if she's been tagged on anything

It's so utterly dull

[MrsPnut]

It's really hard isn't it, it does get better and the nice person does come back.

I found it helped us to remember that it's natures way of helping parents let go of their children as they move into adulthood. Their behaviour helps you to shut the door as they leave rather than hanging onto their leg as they walk away :o

[craggyhollow]

Thanks. It doesn't help that her sisters are still so sweet and cheerful.

I do try and sound interested but there's only so much enthusiasm you can mister about the latest selfie

[chocoluvva]

My 17YO was measuring her ankles, thighs and wrists tonight while watching Superfat/Superskinny, or whatever it's called.

The number of selfies is decreasing now though as is the obsession with clothes.

[Starballbunny]

It helps enormously to have an older DD, 16 (who never went in for any of this nonsense).

If DD2 starts being too teenage DD1 just laughs at her and generally dilutes her worst excesses.

Since we live in the sticks, DD1 is the only real life company and DD2 likes company.

So she tempers the worst of her teen attitude because she knows DD1 will happily read and draw and totally ignore her if she's too daft.

Heaven help us when DD1 goes to uni and DD2 is 15 and has no restraining influence on her and GCSEs

[DrewsWife]

My teen has spent the last two years being an utter arsehole. But I'm beginning to see the real one come back. I spent months hugging her to remind myself I actually liked her.

On Sunday I was ready to put her out.. I went to work and when I got back home she was all smiles.

It's screwing with my head! Try not to take any of it personally.

[birthdaypanic]

It does get better - promise. My eldest dd was awful dd2 not as bad. It's really interesting talking to them both now they are grown ups 31 and 27, dd1 says she knows how horrible she was, could hear herself saying horrible things but couldn't stop herself. The same with behaviour she knew it was upsetting us but could not stop herself. Interestingly she says she never wanted to hurt us she just couldn't stop herself.
dd2 was never as bad and she says it was because she remembered how upset we all were over dd1 and didn't want to be like that.
One thing dd1 often comments on is me repeatedly saying " I don't like the person you are now but I will always love you" she says that really helped.

[AlfAlf]

I can relate to all of this.
DD1 changed overnight from my nice bookish, reasonable daughter into a vacuous, self-obsessed vain creature. As soon as she turned 13 and was allowed on Facebook, it was like a switch. The funny thing is I'm starting to catch more and more glimpses of the real her again now (she's 14 and 7m). So I do have hope :)
Teenagers are so prickly, it's easy for me anyway to forget they need affection too, so I make a special effort to give her a hug when she comes in from school whilst gagging on the smell of Impulse, and tell her I love her on the phone etc. I also try to ask her really nicely to do stuff even though it's my umpteenth time asking because she responds more positively then. There's a bit of 'fake it till you make it', but basically I try to project positivity at her until she reflects it back. It sometimes even works
It can indeed be difficult to find some common ground to bond over.. Ours is tv, we always have one program that we watch together after her younger sisters have gone to bed. It used to be Glee, then Apprentice, now its Criminal Minds I used to have to pretend to like it, but I've grown quite attached.

[mrsjay]

oh god it is so dull isnt it just try and act interested dont allow her to be rude i know teens are a pain in the arse sometimes but rudeness should never be tolerated imo , anyway yes it gets better I have a nearly 21 yr old who was the princess of darkness . and she is lovely now we go for lunch and everything, dd2 is a late bloomer to the teen nonsense i thought I had got away with it but it is starting all over again, I am really not that interested in the you tube videos she shoves in my face

[mrsjay]

when dd was that age it was selfies in mirrors in bathrooms that were doing the rounds

[BuzzLightbulb]

Oh yes! That sounds familiar.

On the bright side dsd1 seems to have just come out the other side and is really quite a pleasant person again, though maybe not to her younger brother and sister!

She was self absorbed, rude, arrogant, lazy, not to mention über hormonal! Used to pick a fight over anything and then get into hysterics and floods of tears. Felt angry all the time and couldn't handle it. The list goes on.....

Dsd2 is showing signs of going a similar way but she's determined not to be as foul as her sister so that's a handy stick to beat her with on occasion!

We found the best way to deal with her was to ignore all attempts at starting a fight, call her bluff on her more extreme I can make my own decisions rants, and be overly empathetic in a slightly sarcastic way.

[Olivegirl]

Hang in there with them ...they have to go through this to find their feet
I have two dds older teenagers
And they have flitted between typical raging teen to my normal sweet girls
When people say "it's so dull and boring" it's not dull to the teens and they are not there to entertain you -anymore-
What we do will seem boring to them.
Hug them, love them no matter what
They will come out of it.

[doyourbloodyhomework]

My dd14 just told me not to breathe as I was breathing too loudly. When I pointed out I would turn blue and be rushed to hospital, she said, good, she wouldn't call an ambulance for me.

Cheers, dd.

Guess who won't be getting any of my inheritance, then. I shall need it to pay for private nursing care to ensure that when I need to go to hospital, someone notices and cares. Always a nice start to the day when your dd tells you she wishes you were dead.

And I "deserved" this because I told her to actually do some bloody homework. After a week of half term, she has just remembered she has 5 tests when she gets back - but has almost none of the books. She doesn't know what topics the tests are on nor even what subject one of the tests is in. But despite seeing her mates yesterday for a lengthy and expensive shopping trip and texting them constantly, apparently she was unable to ask them.

Apparently, her life is soooo hard because she is limited to two hours per day of computer time - all her friends have unlimited computer time, dontchaknow.

Then ds (8) kicked off refusing to go to his swimming class and slamming doors/shouting (we've had complaints from the neighbours about this and live in a rented house so could get chucked out), and then shouting non-stop - refusing to read or do anything quiet (he's short of sleep because of nicking the laptop in the night and trying to use it).

I'd think I was the world's worst parent if it wasn't for dd2, who has spent the morning doing her homework (not needed to ask let alone nag) and writing poetry. Why do her siblings have to be such bloody hard work? dd1 behaving like a cow just sends the message to ds that he can ignore what we say.

[doyourbloodyhomework]

I so don't like either dd1 or ds at the moment.

Admiring everyone who can stay calm and not mind.

I mind. A lot.

[saffstel]

I'm feeling so sad after reading this that my lovely babies are going to become monsters

[SauvignonBlanche]

My DD has been vile for ages now, I see no end in sight.

[MuttonCadet]

I was a hideous teen, but I seem to have grown out of it (at 40), except when my blood sugar is low....

[Follyfoot]

My DD was like this. Absolutely horrible for much of the time and I remember posting on here for help because I really didnt like her and felt awful about that.

At about 17 1/2 glimpses of a 'normal' human being started to reappear and she is lovely now (20). It does get better....

[teenagetantrums]

It get better my DD is 17 now since she started 6th form in September she is mainly back to her her lovely pre teenage self. She has her moment but don't we all. I know its hard but try to just let her get on with it, nothing you do will be right anyway.

[doyourbloodyhomework]

saffstel. Not all of them become monsters. The ones who don't probably don't have parents posting on here as it would seem a bit smug. I know lots of lovely teens; I wasn't so bad, nor were my friends, nor are dd1's friends. I had a lovely text that really moved me apologising for her attitude from dd1 - turned out her friend had sent it.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

DD at 14 was a weapons-grade emotional sadist and uberbitch. She deliberately set out to break us up, and when we declined to play went on dirty protest. Sorted that by letting friends into her bedroom, whereupon she attempted an eating disorder. This lasted two weeks while we ate kebabs in front of her.

Then she tanked mocks, whereupon the entire family intervened. DW had to go on Valium, I had to go to minor injuries, the ILs took her for a week and told her what a lifetime of toilet cleaning pays.

On her 16th birthday eve, she knelt at our feet and hugged us. There were many tears, mostly joyful.

2 years later, she has the grades for Uni, very nearly a glider pilot's licence, a 5 stone weight loss, and listens to Hans Zimmer, Annie Lennox and Ewan Dobson. And Olly Murs, but there you go. Housework? Odd system whereby a single room is deepcleaned once a week for a tenner. Suits us, although the tap chrome came off when she got hold of hydrochloric acid for descaling.

And she laughs.

[febel]

Roll on late teens then is all I can say reading this as my YD is VILE a lot of the time...very bad for my self esteem too , all the horrid things she says ...BUT occassionally I do get a glimpse of the girl she used to be. Have cried more tears over the last 2 or 3 years (she is now 16) than I ever have in my life I think. It's horrid isn't it..but you're not alone. I just look at my friend's daughter who was equally as vile but now is at uni and a different, and more loving person, although still has the odd flash of the old horrid girl, but they are getting less and less frequent.
And no..it's nothing to do with the way you bring them up...my YD is my third, all girls, all different and all bought up in the same/similar way. But she has been the most challenging BY FAR!

[Claybury]

So sorry for anyone who is living with an obnoxious teen.
DD15 was a really demanding baby / toddler and I have always said to her that she'll be an easy teenager in the hope of a self fulfilling prophecy. So far so good. She's good company and treats us nicely most of the time. I don't take it for granted as I know what some teens are like and my DS 16 has given me plenty of stress. Even he is improving slowly.

[MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday]

DisgracetotheYchromosome... I LOVE your description

Mine were averagely vile (two years apart) I think.. or maybe they seemed realatively liveable because their brother (in the middle of them!) was so spectacularly awful (lying thieviing, arrested, wall smashing GIT) that they just couldn't compete. I do remember enquiring why one of their wardrobes had a hole smashed through it and it turned out DD2 had attacked DD1 with a coat hanger... (to be fair DD1 probably desrved it, she could make the Pope swear)

Mostly they just sulked, slammed doors told us 'all their friends were allowed to xxx (insert unsuitable activity of choice) plus the obligatory getting blind drunk at about 14 on Lambrini!

Oh and they ruined the bedroom carpet with makeup.

Now 22 and 20 they are remarkably nice young women :) (though DD1 managed to wreck the replaced carpet at xmas with makeup..again..sigh, and is still disgustingly untidy)

Plus now they are both away at Uni It's rather nice when they come home.

They both became human again at about 17, as did DS1 thank GOD!

[Theas18]

Checking in!

14yrs old is moody, unhelpful and door slamming at the moment. that and not doing home work till I'm going to bed, then being tired the next morning..... I'm fed up with it now. I'm know she isn't really a bad teen. I know of worse and sometimes I really wonder if it's an act she thinks she should put on even!

The elder 2 were always so reasonable and really OK (after I learned to " not sweat the small stuff" a bit) and are now lovely late teens/20s so I know it'll be fine. But I'm fed up with it.

Is it that 3rd children think parents should suffer? LOL

[Lemondrop100]

I just typed quite a long post and lost it !
Therefore will keep this short
I have a stepchild thats is in a SS 'child plan' and goes to CAMHS also.
Her current behavior is typically teenage, however, we have the added problem that she is quite an attention seeker and has been for the 4 years we have been living together, in her eyes I am the other worman!
She is very secretive, lies a lot and resolutely doesnt do anything to help herself with her attitude or anything she is asked to do.
There has been a lot of playing off against all adults involved at differerent points
SS got involved when she was about 8, relations with mum were not good and dad got residential custody with visits to mum 3 weekend in 4. Mum & dads relationship not good and the child has been subject to a lot of arguements and insults of said parent. Once custody was given to Dad, there was a lot of underhanded tricks by mum along the way.

SS recently got involved again about 2 years ago, as she was self harming, the report based on what all involved chose to tell people cited mostly the cause as parents arguing but also mum very controlling, name calling and had used physical chastisement in the past. The child in questions has used SS as an outlet for venting abything shes unhappy about, which as a teenager can be quite a lot

Our frustration is CAMHS or the mother dont really seem to understand normal working 24/7 family & real life and the finger seems to be turning on conflict in our household and the apparent 'flourishing' relationship with her mum, whom she doest want to see any more then every 2 weeks.

My son who is off similar age but no problem whatso ever is subject to all this. we have had anon calls to my husbands work about having an employee who has a daughter that self harms. The organisations dont seem to be interested in these happenings

Recent episode was the child in question posting inappropriate social media ranting, supposedly about me, her phone was revoked for a while and a conversation about social media awareness and consequences took place, on a visit to mum, her phone was given back to her.

She doesnt text when she asked to let us know she has got somewhere safely and just says we are on her back all the time

Theres is so much more to add here for people to understand everything thats been going but basically we are at breaking point with it all and have questioned whether it would be best if we split.