Gf coming round

[happygolucky0]

Ds is 16 and has been with gf for 18 mths.
Resently she has been coming over quite abit. This I don't mind but have asked him to arrange it with me first. This is what he won't do. She just turns up then stays till 10.30pm when her mum collects her.
I do early shifts and want to be in bed by then. I went abit nuts about it a few days ago to him and repeated again that I would just like to know before hand. Anyway last night he did it again. She got a lift over in the evening.
He says I am too controlling over this. I will to cook for her if she is around usually too and have to clean up after them.
How go you manage your teens having friends over? I don't want to be unreasonable but also could sometimes do without it. I get that they want to be together. But all weekend every weekend drives me abit nuts. He does go to hers but it is getting less often now.

[Dontwanttobeyourmonkeywrench]

The only rule I have about friends etc coming over is that the parents know where they are (more for DD's (6) friends), and I'm notified in advance if I need to feed extra people. DS (16) often brings friends over after school but they tend to feed themselves and organise their own transport. The one thing that I insist on is that they cleanup afterwards, because there is no way that I'm doing something that DS has had drilled into him since he was old enough to do it himself.

At 16 I fully expect them to function as useful adults, and as I keep telling DS, in a couple of years he will most likely be living with a pile of people in halls so he needs to have the skills to do so.

[teenagetantrums]

Cant you just go to bed and leave them to it?

My DD is 17 I don't mind who comes over but i wont feed extra people if i don't know they are coming. Also i want to be asked before people are invited for a sleep over. I have no problem telling extra teenagers to leave if i want to go to bed and they are to noisy. However we live in London they all have free bus passes and get themselves hoe without lifts.

My DS is 19 he often brings firends back from a night out but if they don't wake me up i don't mind , his firends are quite nice and often turn up with chocolates or wine for me if i feed them.

[adeucalione]

I wouldn't mind a long term gf turning up unannounced tbh, but I would expect some notice if they wanted feeding and I certainly wouldn't be tidying up after them.

I'm not sure why you mind her being picked up at 10.30? That doesn't seem excessively late for a 16yo on a weekend, can't you just go to bed when you want and leave them?

I love the fact that all of my DCs spend more time at our house than at the houses of their respective girlfriends/boyfriends - it must mean I'm doing something right, I get to know their friends well and keep an interested eye on how their relationships are progressing.

[AgentProvocateur]

I cook for whoever's in at mealtime, and I'll go to bed when I want. The girlfriend made an arrangement to go home at a reasonable time - it's not like you had to drive her - so I'm not sure why you feel you have to stay up? I tend to operate an open house policy, and my teens know that their partners/friends are welcome. I DONT tidy up after them though. They do that themselves.

I think you have to loosen the strings with your DS a wee bit, or risk him spending less time at home.

[VegasIsBest]

I can't see the problem. Why can't he have his girlfriend over whenever he wants?

[ZenNudist]

He's 16. 10.30 is fine. Go to bed, leave them to it. Make sure you've read him the riot act about using conforms if having sex, scare the bejesus out of him about getting anyone pregnant. He's 16 & needs to be a responsible adult.

You don't have to cook for her or clean up after them. If he wants her round for tea make it a rul that you need advance warning. If its easy to feed her though (say casserole) I would offer. Include her in the chores. Eg. If the meal is finished leave her & ds to clean up. You aren't running a hotel.

Make it a New Years resolution that if your dc aren't helping enough then now is the time to start!

[SirChenjin]

My 16 year old will tell me if one of his friends or his GF is coming over that evening, just as I tell the other family members if one of my friends is coming round. Unannounced teenage guests just don't happen - they text each other constantly, so unexpected just doesn't happen. I don't tidy up after them and I wouldn't stay up until they had gone - but it's very rare that I have to deal with this. Any friends who are around at dinnertime at weekends will be asked if they want to stay.

Regardless of what other MNetters do though OP, you have asked your DS to do something and he's not respecting your wishes. Time for a Stern Talking To and some ground rules for your family home - what the rest of us to is irrelevent.

[happygolucky0]

Thank you all for your replies. Some good advice. 10. 30 is no prob it is just when I need to go to sleep and its too noisy. As need to be up at 5.30. Or I do night shift and am In bed during the day. So it could be that 12 midday isn't great either.
Also I maybe too tired to cook and may of resulted to a takeaway but can't really afford th extra cost.
I think sirchenjin has hit the nail on the head. It is probably I am feeling abit upset as I have asked for something and am being ignored. I know my son doesn't go to hers unless it arranged first her parents so can't see the big problem why they can't do the same.
Also just that it was christmas night that it happened after already being asked a few days before hasn't gone down too well. But I haven't said anything just wanted to get others point of view.
I was brought up totally differant and my friends were never allowed in the house so don't have much to go on around this. Of course I don't want that and like knowing that he is safe.

[SirChenjin]

You are quite within your rights to say no to something you don't want in your house, and please don't buy into the whole "you'll drive him away if you don't let him have his way" argument - you really, really won't. Teens will generally grumble if things don't go exactly the way they want, but if you have a good relationship generally then having some ground rules in place that you all adhere to in order to show respect for each other is perfectly acceptable.

[adeucalione]

I think I would try to negotiate a compromise - she can come over anytime but he must tell you she's coming, take a share of the cooking, keep the noise down if you're in bed and tidy up afterwards.

If he can't comply with these straightforward house rules then she'll no longer be welcome, and if necessary you'll make that clear to both her and her parents.

Tbh it sounds like they might have outstayed their welcome at her house if they used to spend most of their time there but are now coming to yours. Do you have any sort of relationship with her parents at all? If so I think i'd be tempted to engineer an opportunity for a quick chat to ensure consistency of house rules.