want my 19yr old daughter to leave and stop disrupting family

[Kat64]

Help! My daughter has just dropped out of uni cos she couldn't cope with living in hall's.she intends to transfer to a uni near home, if they'll have her.meanwhile she stays in bed, on the computer etc but when it suits her will clean bathroom.it is causing grief between me and husband although we are of the same opinion - we are not going to let her make the family feel down/ruin their Christmas /next year. She has 2 brothers, 10 & 16 (who is concentrating on his GCSE study) . I have M.S but still work . I want to say to her "you're 20 next year, go and live in a bedsit and sort yourself out" what I want to happen is that she decides to change/grow up - gets up at a sociable time, offers to help in anyway needed and contributes to family life. Advice welcome.

[readysteady]

How about helping her find out how to transfer? Could she start somewhere new in January. If not tell her that after Christmas she will have to find a job until she starts nearer to home in September, then at least she is busy, earning money etc. In the mean time she will have to at least help around the house. It may be just your posting style but You don't sound very supportive to be honest, but I probably don't know the whole story.

[Anyoneforacheckup]

Just be really firm about it, that this is your house, she is in transition between living in your house and preparing to make an independent life and home for herself.
Ground rules; Lights and electrics off at midnight , no overnight antics
She gets up and helps out by 9 am and starts to arrange her future
She helps to cook and shop and get along with everyone as a positive example to the others in the house

[Anyoneforacheckup]

Is she a very difficult person?

[birdybear]

How is she disrupting the family? Isn't she family? Are you helping her? Or do you just want to chuck her out? You don't sound like you are being very supportive of her.

[TheXxed]

Honestly she doesn't sound to dissimilar to most 19 year olds.

Why did she drop out? Was she overwhelmed? Depressed? Dropping out is a big red flag.

[Anyoneforacheckup]

Girls this age can be difficult and want to rule the roost....this happened with my dd she wanted to be in charge of everything and spoke as if the house were more hers than mine, and her and her bf were just going to live here forever

Is that the trouble?

[AmberLeaf]

Why couldn't she cope living in halls?

She sounds like she might be depressed.

She should be doing more/participating, are you doing anything to support her with her uni transfer?

[Boobybeau]

Like some others have said it sounds like she might be depressed and maybe you should be thinking a bit more about her needs as well as the other children. 19/20 is still very young IMO, I still very much needed the support from my parents at this age. I agree that she does need to take some responsibility for her actions and help out but if she's feeling depressed this will be as difficult for her as it is for you

[msvee]

It sounds like you got used to her being gone and now shes back you don't like it.

Shes dropped out of uni have you sat down and really found out Why?

It's a big change going from home to living alone and going to uni for some people.
As a mother you should be more supportive and helping her not wanting her gone.

[livinginawinterwonderland]

Your daughter coming home is going to ruin Christmas?

She's your child! She might be 19 but she's far from an independent adult and obviously struggled immensly being away from home without family support. If she's dropped out and is lying in bed all the time, have you considered depression? She certainly doesn't sound very happy and I bet that your attitude to her being back has rubbed off on her.

Sit down with her and talk to her. What made her drop out? Does she really want go back to university or would she be happier going on an apprenticeship or getting a full-time job? University isn't for everyone, but she probably feels like a bit of failure because she dropped out. She needs support, not scorn.

[cory]

I am wondering if there is back story here that would make a difference to our understanding of your OP.

To me, a 19yo coming home after being unable to cope with university and then just staying in bed would spell a serious problem, something like depression, that needed dealing with.

If having her home is going to ruin people's Christmas, there must be something you are not telling us- is she violent? aggressive in her language? Most people would expect to have their adult children home for Christmas until they acquire families of their own, so what is the unusual situation here?

We really can't give you any advice if you don't give us the crucial facts.

[Cerisier]

I hope my 19YO comes home for Christmas next year. If she has problems at uni we will be helping and supporting. Isn't that what parents do?

Like cory I am wondering what else is going on here.

[ihatethecold]

I don't agree that a 19 year old is still a child!
I do think there's more to this story though.
Is she your dh stepdaughter?
How l

[ihatethecold]

How long ago did she move out?
Does she have good life skills? Cooking, budgeting, cleaning etc?
Do you think she was overwhelmed and not ready to leave home.

[differentnameforthis]

do you have anything nice to say about her? Because I can't see anything. It is all negative. Perhaps she stays in bed because she feels so unwelcome in her home.

I would hate to feel like this about my daughters. I didn't realise they stopped being or children as soon as they left home.

perhaps she felt a bit more welcome, she would be willing to get out of bed.

[Kat64]

Ok now I'm reading replies it does seem that I haven't given enough info.she didn't like halls because she couldn't cope with the noise/drinking/other students. She wanted to be able to just study/attend tutorials and not go out partying, which is fine but not possible to get enough sleep with all the noise.I phoned the uni and explained that she needed support with halls, could she not move to another room? They said no.
She is a first generation student so I can't give her the benefit/advice of my uni experience. I said to her to remember that she is paying £27,000 to the uni and she is the customer/they provide the service (i was trying to help her feel stronger). We have tried to support her as much as we can and have explained that she can go for anything she wants to if she is prepared to put in the commitment. her dad has driven to uni at 3 in the morning a few times to bring her home cos she was in a state When she left uni for the last time it was 3 in the morning and he went to get her.She had rung home in tears and sounded in a state (had been on and off since she started despite saying she wanted to live in halls and us saying she could go to the local uni 10 miles away)
So, as she was in a state/crying etc we said come home and told her not to worry about what the uni says because nothing is worth her being this upset. her dad went and helped her pack up her stuff and bought her home, that was 2 weeks ago.She came back and I felt bad about the fact that we had switched bedrooms around so she had the smallest instead of the biggest now, but she had previously said that she had left home now and she would move in with her boyfriend when she left halls, but we kept a room for her with her stuff in it , the same as it was.
After I posted this initially I decided the best thing to do was to TALK WITH HER! I explained how I felt and said I really wanted to know how she feels.
I had encouraged her to approach the local uni when she got back and ask to see them about a transfer.(didn't discuss the option of work cos she had made it clear she wants to study)She said her grades wouldn't be good enough but I said nothing ventured.....So she has got a interview on Tuesday. She has had this at school and college and we have tried to be supportive all along. I tell her that I love her and her brothers more than anything else in the world and that we will try to help them in any way we can. Thanks for all your posts, it's good to get a different opinion /view of the situation :) sorry for length of post!

[readysteady]

I wish your daughter luck. X

[birdybear]

That is completely different to what you first posted. So, what is your problem then ?

[yummymumtobe]

I totally feel for her. I left my first uni as I never felt I could settle. Everyone into going out, drinking loads etc and I never left comfortable. I tried to find my niche but as it was a big city uni with a focus on clubbing I just never felt comfy. Its horrible being woken up by drunken students when thats just not your scene. I moved unis to a much smaller campus uni with loads of sports clubs etc and was far happier. Living in noisy halls is very upsetting and stressful so I feel for her. Is the issue that now she is home you want her to help out, not lie in bed all day etc? If so just tell her that. Living in a bedsit would be unbelievably depressing for her and I bet she is desparate for the comfort of being with her family. I would have thought her being there could be a benefit! She could help with chores, give her siblings lifts etc in order to 'pay her way' a bit.

[YouHaveBeenOutbid]

Glad you've made some progress OP.

MiniMonty, my mum had much the same attitude as you. 20 years later our relationship has never recovered. I dropped out too and felt I couldn't move back home as my room wasn't my room anymore. All my stuff was boxed up and it was redecorated. I had no 'home' to go back to. I promptly moved in with the first unsuitable man that would have me.

OP, your daughter is struggling with something. It's your job to find out what is is and assure her she will always have a home with you.

[Kat64]

Thanks YouHaveBeenOutbid.yes, I think we will make progress. After reading your post it made me think...I haven't seen my mum for 11 yrs....dysfunctional childhood etc. Been married now for 30 yrs and always determined not to repeat things with my own children, would always be there for them.looks like this is the test. I'm going to go upstairs now and give her a big hug, whether she wants one or not :)
I hope you have a good Xmas .....