Ten-year-old teenager

(5 Posts)
niminypiminy Fri 13-Dec-13 21:10:21

DS1 is 10, and has Asperger's. He's always been angry and violent - I have scars from when he was a toddler, and so does DS2, who's currently 7 - but it's recently escalated, and I just feel like I can't cope. He's only 10 but he's behaving like some of the angry and aggressive teenage boys there are threads about here.

Tonight I had to stop the boys playing a game that was getting out of hand -- I was exhausted (we moved house on Monday), and I didn't handle it well. DS1 launched into a torrent of abuse -- you're a fucking bitch was about the best of it. We have these outbursts every couple of days (always to me, never DH), and I've been trying not to respond, just let it wash over me, and ignore as much as possible. But tonight it just got to me, and I held his arms as tightly as I could and said in a kind of quiet shout 'never call me that, never call me that' over and over again. Obviously that just fanned the flames and in the end I left him to it and went and soothed DS2 and put him to bed, and came back and apologised for hurting him (DS1 that is) and he apologised for shouting. And then finally went to bed more or less peaceably -- in fact as if nothing had ever happened.

I don't know how I can handle these situations better, and I am really scared about what will happen in years to come as teenage hormones kick in. I try to pick battles, but I have never found a way of making consequences work -- it just provokes yet another outburst. To be honest I feel like a total failure as a parent.

BitOfFunWithSanta Fri 13-Dec-13 21:13:55

Of course you aren't a failure- it's just bloody hard, that's what it is!

Have you got a social worker? Can you talk to the school? He might benefit from a referral to CAMHS, which you can get via school or your GP.

Meanwhile, have a wine, it sounds like you need it!

niminypiminy Fri 13-Dec-13 21:43:15

He's pretty good at school -- saves it all for us at home. When I mentioned to a teacher about the hard time DS2 has at home I saw their eyes do that funny slidey-away thing that happens when someone doesn't believe you but isn't going to say so. There used to be an Asperger's team at the local CAMHS but it has been cut. And Cambridgeshire social services is utterly rubbish -- I'm child protection governor at school and I know too much about how high the need has to be before they will allocate a SW.

MrsBright Sat 14-Dec-13 10:50:08

You need professional help here. He's getting big enough to do some real damage. As he gets older/bigger this violence will not go away, just escalate. If the service isnt there in your area, involve your local MP and get newspapers involved.

You arent a crap Mum - and you need to shout loudly about the lack of help for the sake of all the other great Mums out there.

niminypiminy Sat 14-Dec-13 12:01:42

Thank you. It means a lot to get a supportive outside view. I think I've got so it seems normal. It's a relief to here that it's not.

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