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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Violent utterly disrespectful teen

24 replies

DiddyW · 12/12/2013 23:08

Any advice on what to do with a 16 year old boy who's charming to others but treats me (mother) like something which he found under a rock. Totally disrespectful. Also blows up when annoyed. Has put his fist through his bedroom wall, thrown things at me, and today thumped me in the back of the head calling me a f-ing b and a wh... He then slammed his door, hurt his foot doing so and is blaming me. He'll say sorry tomorrow but I've had enough. He's also rude to a couple of his teachers he thinks are "useless". I know it's not how I've brought him up as his 2yr older brother is lovely, laid back, polite etc. it's this one's personality but it's a cycle which keeps repeating itself ie get angry, be very rude maybe violent then say sorry. Thumping me is a last straw. Not sure if anyone's out there and it's helped to write it down but I feel at a loss what to do.

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Travelledtheworld · 12/12/2013 23:14

Oh that is tough.
Many people on this thread will tell you to call the police if he hits you again. You must not tolerate violence in your home. Will his older brother talk to him and explain this behaviour is not acceptable ?

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 12/12/2013 23:15

Are you sure he is not t along anything .

gamerchick · 12/12/2013 23:17

Boot up arse In the morning out of the door.

Big enough to hit his mother.. He can sort himself out.

I'm serious.

Spongingbobsunderpants · 12/12/2013 23:19

Sounds like a bit of substance abuse? What are his friends like?

CrabbyChristmasBottom · 12/12/2013 23:20

Call the police and report him for assault. Why on earth would you tolerated being abused, and if you do, what kind of message is that giving him about how he can treat women (or men, for that matter)?

DiddyW · 12/12/2013 23:50

Thank you so much for your replies. I feel so alone with this and didn't know if anyone was up at this time. I really don't think he's on anything as he hardly goes out and doesn't see many friends socially. I think that's part of the problem though things are looking up a bit since he's gone into the sixth form though now I need to ground him. I do think he needs anger management treatment as I seriously thing he could be a future wife/partner beater. I think I'll tell him I'll call the police if he does it again. Anyway thank you for your support.

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thornrose · 13/12/2013 00:00

I have a 14 yo dd who is violent and aggressive to me (and only me) my dd has Aspergers so different to your situation.

I can identify with how alone you feel. Being abused by your child puts you in a position most people cannot begin to imagine. You're not alone, sorry I can't help x

Ledkr · 13/12/2013 00:24

Ring the police for advice.
I personally would call the police if one if my children hit me on my head, how dare he?
They won't give him a criminal record if its his first offence but they will give him the taking to that he needs.
Don't let him get away with this or he may well end up being violent to future partners.

tracypenisbeaker · 13/12/2013 00:30

The violence is very concerning. If he can hit the person who gave him life, then who else is he capable of abusing?

DiddyW · 13/12/2013 09:53

His Dad (DH? Sorry I'm new to this) talked to him this morning but he seemed unrepentant still just blaming me for his foot. However I later found a note pushed under my door (he'd gone off to school) saying how sorry he was, what happened was disgusting and a disgrace, he'll never live it down etc. He wrote that recently he's bn having a lot of stress socially and said he's bn trying to hide it but he just cracked. He said he should hv talked to someone. So he does seem sorry but this type of outburst has happened before and I fear will happen again. I have to confess I've had a snoop on his FB, which I've never done before but was concerned after his comment but think it's just he's fallen out with a girl - not a girlfriend as he doesn't have one. So there is something behind his mood but it doesn't excuse his violence or abusive attitude. Think he def needs to see someone professional tho not sure how to go about it. Anyway thanks again for your comments. It really helped to have someone to talk to.

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bonzo77 · 13/12/2013 10:02

It's great that he could eventually communicate properly even if in writing. Can you write him a note, it seems that's how he want to communicate. Thanking for his, telling him how you feel. That you love him and want to help him sort it out. He sounds very down on himself in the letter he wrote too. What have school said? How does he get in with his little brother?

bonzo77 · 13/12/2013 10:03

Also, if he doesn't want to talk to you, maybe suggest child line or Samaritans in your letter.

DiddyW · 13/12/2013 13:54

A letter to him is a good idea. Thanks I'll try it. His brother is 18 (think I phrased it unclearly re his age) but no they don't really communicate.

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richteaaddict · 13/12/2013 15:31

im just reading through posts as im having trouble with my 14yo, his personality as changed over the last 12 months, I found out he was self harming, smoking cannabis and was c/o of voices in his head, he was referred urgently to CAMHS, who have been fantastic, he odesnt fit the criteria for psychosis because he does still socialise, and takes care of himself etc, its just with you saying your son doesn't do much socially that made me wonder if you have contacted CAMHS, my son is now having counselling, and anger management. I hope it all sorts its self out. I also want to report my son for stealing money but his dad my ex said he will deal with it!!!

good luck, its heartbreaking when your little boy is no more

richteaaddict · 13/12/2013 15:40

im just reading through posts as im having trouble with my 14yo, his personality as changed over the last 12 months, I found out he was self harming, smoking cannabis and was c/o of voices in his head, he was referred urgently to CAMHS, who have been fantastic, he odesnt fit the criteria for psychosis because he does still socialise, and takes care of himself etc, its just with you saying your son doesn't do much socially that made me wonder if you have contacted CAMHS, my son is now having counselling, and anger management. I hope it all sorts its self out. I also want to report my son for stealing money but his dad my ex said he will deal with it!!!

good luck, its heartbreaking when your little boy is no more

DiddyW · 13/12/2013 23:48

Thanks, Richteaaddict. I'll look into CAMHS. Does the young person have to be willing to cooperate though as I've a feeling my DS will say he doesn't have a problem.

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flow4 · 14/12/2013 10:24

DiddyW, I'm sorry you're going through this. There are quite a few of us here who have experienced violence from our teens - more than will admit it publicly. It's an awful, incredibly stressful thing to go through.

You have a right to be safe and feel safe in your own home. However stressed or unhappy your DS is, he does not have any right to hurt you or frighten you. He must learn to deal with negative emotions some other way: you can support him, but don't let him use you as his punchbag.

You've just turned a corner, though you may not have realised it. :) Deciding you will not tolerate it any more is the first step to stopping it: you have drawn a line in your own mind, and now you have to tell your son, and stick to it.

Tell him (in writing or face to face) that you have decided that you will not tolerate him being violent to you ever again, and that if he ever hits or threatens you again, you will call the police.

Then, if he ever hurts or threatens you again, phone 999. Don't hesitate. Tell them "My son has hit me. I need help" or "My son is getting violent. I'm scared. I need help".

The police will come. They will take you seriously. They will not arrest him unless you ask them to, or he has done you or someone else serious physical harm. (So it's better to call them early, before he gets to a point where he might hurt you badly). Most people's experience of calling the police in these circumstances is positive. Mine was.

My son was furious with me. But my bottom line was clear: I told him "I can't control you. You need to control ^yourself.
If you can't, I need to get help".

I had to call the police three times. The third time I had my son arrested and charged with assault and criminal damage.

It was a terrible, bleak time, but I didn't know what else to do, and looking back, I still think it was the right thing. My son was never violent to me again (it's been about two years now) and although he got a caution and a criminal record, this has not stopped him getting into college or getting a part-time job with a reputable national employer. For us, it was a major turning point - one of the key things that got my son 'back on track'.

If you want to read more about how things were for me at the time, you can do an advanced search for my nickname plus the key word 'violence'. You'll see other people sharing their experiences too. You're not alone.

While you are dealing with this, take time to look after yourself. Do some lovely relaxing things - things you enjoy, whatever those are. This is not a luxury - it's a survival essential. You need to recharge your batteries, balance out some of the horrible times, and remind yourself (and your son) that you deserve good things, not all that stress and nastiness.

Good luck. I wish you strength. :)

bootsycollins · 14/12/2013 10:29

Excellent post flow4
It's time for your son to make the cause and effect connection and start to take responsibility for his actions.

DiddyW · 14/12/2013 21:10

Things aren't going too brilliantly. The day after the "incident" he was due to go into London to a concert straight from school with a friend. Of course we said he wasn't allowed to go but he just went anyway before we could stop him. Then today at 4 he physically pushed me out of the way to go out again when I said he was grounded. He ran out of the door but I was able to keep track of him via fb because of him forgetting to log off. he did come back at 8. No apology. I decided to have a calm talk on how I loved him but the behaviour was out of control, he may be stressed out at school but he can't take it out on me with violence, he needs to see someone (thinking of CAMHS) but he got v het up and said he doesn't hv a problem and that he would completely refuse to go. Then when went downstairs and had a check of fb (must stop doing this) he was chatting to a friend rubbishing the fact I'd suggested it (the friend reckoned I was just trying to antagonise him which doesn't help). Don't think I'm getting anywhere with it really. Do agree with the police comments but it is so difficult.

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FiftyShadesofGreyMatter · 14/12/2013 22:21

You MUST call the Police. He needs to learn that this behaviour will not be tolerated, that actions have consequences. It will be hard to do but things will only get worse if you show him by your inaction that you are prepared to tolerate such behaviour.

flow4 · 15/12/2013 09:33

It is difficult, Diddy. It's an awful thing to do. In my experience, you will only do it when you believe that not involving the police and continuing to live as you are is more awful.

flow4 · 15/12/2013 09:44

My son also rejected the idea there was anything wrong with him or his anger, and argued always that it was 'my fault' or that I'd 'made him' angry because I was 'getting at' him. And he wouldn't accept sanctions for his behaviour either (he climbed out the window when I tried grounding him)... If you think about it, that's exactly why you have a problem and need help from the police: you can't control him any more and he isn't controlling himself.

For me, this was a clear cause-and-effect type argument I could keep using with my DS until he understood/believed me: your violence and aggression must stop. You need to control yourself. I will call the police to control your violence until you learn to do it yourself.

Cerisier · 15/12/2013 09:56

Please listen to Flow, she has been there and gives good advice.

Regarding the concert and trying to ground DS I would say pick your battles. He had bought a ticket for the concert and made arrangements plus it wasn't a school night so I would have let that one go, but would have still had a big heart to heart regarding calling the Police next time.

Regarding the grounding, I am not a fan. If they listen and don't go out then you have them grumping round the house, or if they ignore you and go out anyway then you don't know where they are. I don't think it achieves anything.

DiddyW · 15/12/2013 23:12

I think you're right, Cerisier, re picking battles. Well
it's bn a quiet day, he's bn told he's banned from the computer/xbox for the week at least and will review at weekend depending on how he is re attitude. I'm trying to keep the lines of communication open despite being annoyed with him, and he did help with the Xmas tree lights! I've made an appt to see a gp on weds to talk about the situation/DS and get advice I hope. I haven't told DS, as when DH and I suggested v calmly in a talk with DS how talking to someone could help him he said there was nothing wrong, he'd never do it again, and would refuse to go and see anyone (sure he sees it as a punishment, shameful etc rather than a means of helping him despite our assurances). Not going to push it until I've seen the GP. Again thanks for all your support.

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