How do I carry on living with my aggressive and abusive son?

(11 Posts)
Whattodowithit Wed 11-Dec-13 18:26:22

My son turns 18 next week. He's the youngest of 3, with 2 sisters - 1 at uni and 1 abroad. He has been aggressive, unpleasant and abusive towards me for some years now, for reasons he's never articulated but I suspect has a lot to do with his father and I having been separated for many years. He's been slightly better over the past couple of years as he appears happier in himself having lost a lot of weight, and is now back attending school. Basically, my home life is pretty miserable after years of back story of incessant stealing, constant mess and aggressiveness from him. The only time I involved the police was when he broke down my bedroom door, but there have been many instances of violence from him and he's bigger than me and does frighten me. Nowadays I try to keep out of his way and not antagonise him in any way and, to be honest, have kept going with the positive thought that his sisters have become so much nicer as they've got older and, with a bit of luck, he'll be off to uni soon and grow up. However, this year he has decided to change his A level subjects so has gone back to the AS stage, and has recently, again, upped the unpleasantness. This means there is probably another 18 months of living like this and, after being told this morning to f%%k of and go and kill myself, I am just despairing at the thought. What is my parental responsibility once he turns 18? Can I physically get him out (no idea where - his father lives 200 miles away)?

nilbyname Wed 11-Dec-13 18:28:45

What does his dad say?

Soubds like you could both so with some space, would e love with his dad?

Whattodowithit Wed 11-Dec-13 18:45:00

Thanks for answering. Unfortunately, his father is worse than useless. He has successfully undermined me for years, playing 'good cop, bad cop' with them. (Guess who's 'bad cop'?) He buys him expensive things and gives him large sums of money that he has not worked for and just says "oh, he can be a bit of a prat at times" when I've related a violent incident. As an example, in a fit of temper my son picked up my food processor and hurled it across the kitchen. His father bought a replacement, and didn't insist on my son paying him back. I've given up telling him: there really is no point.

He does see his father regularly, as we have a very complicated situation whereby he stays in the 'marital home' every other weekend and I go away. It would be completely impracticable for my son to go and live in his father's 'permanent' home, and he wouldn't go away from his friends and school.

You call the police every time he is violent or aggressive or you pack his stuff and leave it outside after changing the locks.

I am sorry to say it but you are allowing him to behave like this by not stopping this behaviour.

minifingers Fri 13-Dec-13 00:25:52

I have called the police when my daughter has become violent and I suggest you do the same with your son. Sit him down when he is calm and explain that you are not going to be subject to domestic abuse - and the next time you feel threatened by him you will call the police. Tell him that you will not allow him to live with you if he continues to physically and verbally abuse you.

This is for his sake as well as yours. He will be haunted by the guilt of having abused his own mother, just as you will always be saddened by the memory of it. This type of abuse is very harmful - it really MUST stop.

Good luck.

Wibble1999 Sat 21-Dec-13 12:49:47

I feel for you, Unfortunately he has to go. Consider moving him in with a friend, even if you have to pay for this.
There is no reasoning with him.
Only this morning I got a torrent of foul mouth abuse from my 19 year old because I dared to complain about only getting 4 hours sleep because of her drunken behaviour.
Bottom line is they can't see the world from our perspective. Can he go stay with dd abroad over holidays?

MummySantaHoHoHo Sat 21-Dec-13 12:58:41

Kick him out - he has a dad - how his dad manages that is his dads problem.

You need to do this for his sake, your sake and the sakeof his futire children and partners.

BillyBanter Sat 21-Dec-13 13:16:09

If his dad is only renting a room in a shared house then that is impractical. If he has a one bed flat with a living room floor then let him put up with him. It's about time his dad had a better understanding of what he is like. Or he'll be fine with his dad and you'll be free from a horrible living situation.

MummySantaHoHoHo Sat 21-Dec-13 13:18:02

I disagree the boy on the floor in a shared room is better than the op living with the constant domestic violence.

BillyBanter Sat 21-Dec-13 13:19:57

I agree that is better for the OP but he may not be allowed to just move people in and it's not fair on the other people living in the house who are in no way responsible for putting up with someone's abusive son.

MummySantaHoHoHo Sat 21-Dec-13 13:50:24

It sounds like he has the money to resolve things. He can pay for a bedsit for the son.

I've lived with a violent aggressive older teen. I finally had removed by the police. Not fun.

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