Daughters Boyfriend Arrested!

(10 Posts)
lel74 Thu 21-Nov-13 16:05:12

Hi

First time posting on here and I haven't got the hang of the abbreviations so I'm sorry if this makes for long winded reading!

I have an 18 year old daughter who has been in a relationship for 18 months with a boy (also 18). Everything seems to be going well although there have been moments when I've thought his behaviour a little 'off' (drinking, arrogance, etc) but have put this down to his age, haven't interrupted and just let them get on with it which has worked ok up till now.

A couple of nights ago, he went out with his friends and ended up getting himself arrested for drink driving (he smashed his car up and was twice over the legal limit). Thankfully, he wasn't hurt.

However, I'm struggling with how to advise my daughter on this. My initial response is to say she should get out of the relationship, he's on a downward spiral, etc. But when I think about it I think that's probably a knee jerk reaction. She's a very sensible girl and is now taking her time to consider her options, but we are very close and I know she will ask my opinion on what she should do. I think I have to be very careful and diplomatic (which isn't necessarily my strong point!!).

How would you handle this?

Lel

crazykat Thu 21-Nov-13 17:47:20

Definitely don't tell her to split as I was 18 not too long ago and it would have pushed me the other way.

The fact she feels she can talk to you is very good and you don't want to damage that. It's also good that she's considering what to do rather than just ignoring it.

I'm not minimising it in any way as he's very lucky no one was hurt but part of the reason for his actions could have been his age, lads that age tend to think themselves indestructible. Hopefully this will serve as a wake up call to him and he won't even think of doing it again.

I'd advise your dd (daughter) to seriously think about whether this is a one time even for her boyfriend of if he's done the same before or is likely to again. I'd also tell her to never get in a car with a driver who has been drinking and make sure she has taxi money or can call you so she can get home safely.

Ultimately though its her decision as to whether to stay with him or not.

quietlysuggests Thu 21-Nov-13 17:54:22

If she asks you for advice, why don't you give her some advice?
Not some nice not-upsetting comforting stuff that doesn't actually help her?
You don't like him.
You think he is arrogant.
You know he is a drink driver so he has poor judgement.
You know he is putting your daughter's life in danger if he drives with her after he has been drinking.
I honestly don't get your dilemma here.
Ask her - if you decide to break up with him, do you have any worries about how he will react, what will he try to do to you to get you to stay with him?

Hassled Thu 21-Nov-13 18:00:13

I'm with quietly - yes he's young, and many of us were arrogant when young - but I don't think many of us were quite so thoughtless, were we? He's lucky, if that's the word, that he didn't kill someone.

I don't think you should sit down and tell her to dump him, but I do think you should make it clear quite what a reckless, dangerous fool he's been. Is he in any way repentant?

mirry2 Thu 21-Nov-13 18:01:01

I would tell herit's her decision what she should do, but then say what I would do in her situation.

dawdyman Fri 22-Nov-13 11:35:09

I think my advice to my daughter would depend on his attitude towards what happened... is there genuine remorse? does he understand what could have happened? the responsibility he had for himself, other passengers, road users and pedestrains? What does he feel about being arrested and charged and that experience... was it intimidating and scary or was he giving it billy big b****cks?

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood Fri 22-Nov-13 11:39:02

How has he reacted to his arrest? Is he sorry? Has it been the kick in the pants he needs?

I wouldn't tell her to leave him. I'd ask her the above questions (except the latter) and help her to recognise for herself (if she doesn't already) what kind of a person he is.

he is young and probably thinks (thought) he is invincible. Presumably he does have some redeeming features else your DD wouldn't have started seeing him.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sat 23-Nov-13 10:24:45

I wouldn't worry too much. Up to the crash, he was a charming rascal with an attractively dangerous streak, in her eyes at least.

Now, he's a pisshead saddo who won't be getting behind a wheel for YEARS, who won't be able to get a job above toilet cleaner, and who's going to be very poor. He'll probably whine like a rusty bearing as well.

Keep an eye out, point out to DD that she could have been in the car and if you hear he's back on the road ring Plod.

Golferman Mon 25-Nov-13 06:45:42

I think it is very difficult to judge someone's behaviour at 18. Two of my three sons were done for drunk driving. The youngest one about 7 yers ago. He successfully went through an apprenticeship, has a good job and is in a relationship with a 2 year old son and is completely different. My middle son, who has a psychiatric disorder, was done about 7 years ago, but just got a first class honours degree and has married, has a baby and a biz turning over £100K a year. People can and do learn from these events, at least that is my experience.

steeking Mon 25-Nov-13 07:04:55

Th advice my family always gave me was "You are known by the company you keep"

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