Is this low self esteem? How can I help

[strawberriesandplumbs]

I can't work it out. DD1 16 is either very lazy or has low self esteem but I feel too close to see which. She is lazy in the house and has to be asked/pushed to help with general house stuff but to be fair is a lot better than she was a few years ago.
Growing up she was a quiet child but quite independent which we encouraged (or so I thought)

This year she has committed to a venture traveling to Africa in 2015 which involves her raising quite a lot of money. We are behind her all the way but did talk her through how much of her time it would take up but hopefully the reward would be great, and that we would help and support her throughout, however we did say we weren't prepared to do the fund raising for her.

Three months in and I'm pulling my hair out with her. She doesn't mention any fund raising ideas and if I bring any ideas up she looks at me in horror that she couldn't possible do that! So she won't contact any local businesses or try and organise any events and I do think she expects me to do it all and she cashes in with the prize money so to speak.

It all came to ahead tonight with the silliest of things, but she wanted take away while we were cooking food, so I said yes that was fine if she called it in herself. She had a meltdown at me pleading with me to phone, and in the end she said she wouldn't eat if she had to ring.

I wonder whether I haven't noticed her anxiety with anyone who isn't in our bubble all these years as she has managed so far to avoid any situation where she may have had to step up, or is she just being a lazy normal teenager and trying to play me?

[ll31]

Tbh I feel sorry for her reading your post..she sounds painfully shy maybe

[tickingboxes]

What is she like talking to other people? Friends, as well as strangers?

[breadandbutterfly]

I think you just have to step back. She needs to learn how to do stuff herself not have you do it for her - but that's not to say you can't stand behind her/advise her when she first does it, to get confidence. So eg the takeaway, say she needs to learn to do this stuff herself - in a few years she'll be living on her own and can hardly expect you to be calling her takeaways for her! - but you're happy to tell her what to say, what to expect to hear when she calls etc Once she's done it once, she'll be fine the next time - it's just fear of a new situation/expectations, I expect.

I suspect there is some shyness there, plus that generation hardly ever do actual conversations on the phone, even with friends! - it's all texting, which is less nerve-racking as all written...

But she needs to learn how to do it - in reality, even now, not everything can be written/emailed/texcted...

You'll be doing her a favour helping her learn to do it herself. :)

[strawberriesandplumbs]

Thank you for your replies. I think a good way to describe her is passive with strangers, she doesn't seem shy just not bothered. She has a lovely bunch on friends she is a complete push over with them, not that they are awful to her, just nothing is her idea or she will do what ever anyone else wants to do to keep the peace or not upset anyone.

For example I have just had a friendly debate with a friend and I find it a bit worrying that I expressed an opinion and she will be mortified with me afterwards and say I have been awful not to just agree with them.

It feels like her lifes ambition is not to upset anyone.

[bigTillyMint]

I think it's quite normal for them to get a bee in their bonnet about something being embarrassing. DD often has little dramas about not wanting to do stuff because it's awkward/embarrassing.

Could she join up with a friend to do the fundraising?
DD wouldn't want to do any of those fundraising things on her own, but would happily do it (and speak up) if it was with a friend.

[soda1234]

Feel for you OP as my dd (16) would be the same, She goes into panic mode if I ask her to telephone someone. She is quite shy with strangers but is outwardly confident in many situations, does lots of drama, where she excels etc. Often on stage in front of many and v confident.

I have a view that today's teenagers find using the landline weird and foreign, mine never use it to call anyone. The fact someone answers in person, rather than by txt etc is beyond them.

My daughter and I have a GP appointment tomorrow, I am concerned about her anxiety and some eating issues, this is a follow up appointment. I have also spoken to the (marvellous) GP on the phone, and I have done some research and the GP is checking out CBT providers locally as I really think she will get some help to manage her fears with this therapy.

Please let us know if you manage to find any solutions.

[strawberriesandplumbs]

Yes she has done some things with a friend but they are off doing there own thing aswell, I thought doing a joint thing would maybe give her a bit more confidence and tried to get some ideas started but it's just met with horrified stares. I guess its just going to be baby steps and hope we get there.