have no idea what to do

[2girls3boys]

hi, recently my 3rd child ( girl 13yrs ) has become cheeky and i suspect she was involved in drinking at the weekend due to her cheek i have placed a weeks grounding on her as its an ongoing issue,but she just ran out of the house and txt to say she wasn't coming back, thankfully i got her back and last night when she asked me could she go out having done one day grounding i said no and she ran out the door again , yes thankfully i got her back again but can someone tell me what to do about this I'm very distressed

[Ferguson]

We never had these sort of problems with our DS, and I guess it's worse when the child is a girl. How old are her siblings, and what sort of things did they get up to at a similar age?

My wife was a Nursery Supervisor, then teacher, and I was a parent-helper at school, then a Teaching Assistant for 12 years, so we knew enough to always stay in control. Not that we needed to really, as he didn't misbehave.

But it must be difficult having several children, and I don't know how I would have coped with more than one!

What has your relationship with her been like when she was younger? How is her behaviour at school, and what is her school work and effort like?

I worked as TA in a tough comprehensive for two years, and many of the children were out of control, due to deprived home life or poor parenting. (If you saw "Educating Yorkshire", it was like that only our management and most teachers were nothing like as good as the ones on TV!)

But, normally children don't WANT to be evil, or unpopular with adults or their peers, but I suppose the instinct to 'be grown up' overrides their previous good behaviour and common sense.

The parent, or teacher at school, has to set rules and boundaries, but they need to be REASONABLE and not PETTY, or unnecessary, as that's probably when the trouble starts.

Thirteen seems very young to be drinking outside, so why does she feel she needs to do it? Are you able to discuss it with her, or does it just turn into a shouting match?

Does she have other interests or hobbies, out of school? I worked in a voluntary 'social work' type of support group in a primary school, where children who might get into trouble or fights at lunch time, could come in and do activities, or just talk about their feelings, and off-load their stress a bit. One Yr6 girl was often in trouble at school, but I was amazed to learn she did St John's Ambulance work, and she became a different person talking about that.

Try giving her some 'homework' from me: Can she write down WHY she behaves like this, and why she needs to drink? (Not an essay, just a few bullet points on the 'pros and cons' of her life and behaviour.) It might make her think about things a bit, even if the doesn't actually write anything down!

Hope things improve for you all.

[2girls3boys]

thank you very much for your reply, in answer to her upbringing she has had a good upbringing the more i think about it she has had quite a lot more privileges than her friends , her older sister was never a problem at all and her brothers never a bother either ,for the alcohol part she says it was because everyone else was doing it that night :( i have had a really long chat to her today and she has said she is going to stop her attitude and not walk out the door ever again , i think that your idea about out of school activities is fantastic and i am going to look into how i can get something in place in our area, again thank you very much

[cory]

If she simply went to a party where there was alcohol and drank as a one off, I don't think you need wonder if there is anything about her life that means she feels she needs to drink: peer pressure is a powerful force for even very well adjusted teens with happy family life.

Dd tells me that the parties she goes to (even the ones supposedly supervised by parents) invariably have somebody bringing vodka and similar, and the ages of the party-goers seem to range from early to late teens, so I could easily see how it could happen.
(dd herself is on heavy medication so has a good excuse to say no thank you)

If it was just the one incident I would be cross but not perhaps so worried.

Her general defiance and the fact that she runs off do sound more worrying; that suggests she might do it again.

Hard to tell what to do: I would probably have done the same with grounding. But do try to keep channels of communication going- and let's hope she matures quickly!

[flow4]

It is very difficult when they defy grounding. My son climbed out the window. He was bigger and faster than me, so it made me feel pretty powerless, and it took me a long time to find other tactics...

You could try talking to her about what she thinks should happen, and why. At some point over the next 5 years, she has to learn to control her own behaviour and recognise risks herself - so it would be useful to get her thinking for herself about why drinking at a party at 13 might not be a good idea...

[cory]

The other thing I have found helpful is to discuss with dc in advance in a non-judgmental manner techniques they might use for getting out of difficult situations, what they can say to get around peer pressure.

[Shoutymomma]

In your discussion, use "what would you do if you were the parent?". Their sanctions are often tougher than any we would use. Agree which are appropriate for which misdemeanours, write them down and both sign them. Whenever they are needed, they know that they agreed to them and probably suggested them.