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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

read my 17 year old facebook messages

17 replies

chubblylovely13 · 01/10/2013 13:11

I have for the last week been trying to work out what to do, i went on my daughters fb messages to look at pics of her brothers wedding she gave me the password, while on i noticed a few messages from boys, which was a surprise to me but a happy one. i know i shouldnt but had a sneeky look my daughter is very shy and since going to college as become alot better and as gone out a few times with college friends which we are very happy and frilled that she is now going out. when i read through one of her messages it was about a campout she went on she slept with a boy and got drunk all so out of character she is not to my knowledge on the pill etc, and we had no idea she drank. the problem now is she told me she going a party but ive found out its a campout in a area which is wooded and as caves i know this place to be unsafe, also it is october so not warm and i want to stop her going but dont want to loose her trust ooh hope someone can advice.xx

OP posts:

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Orchidlady · 01/10/2013 13:26

chubby there is another thread on here about a mother trying to control her 16 daughter sleeping with her boyfriend,( might be worth a read) Your dd is 17 years old so sure she is aware of contraception and dangers of drinking too much. All normal for 17 yr me thinks. Why are you concerned?

chubblylovely13 · 01/10/2013 13:41

hi my concern is she has only just started going out we live 3 miles out of town. I grew up on a large estate and was out all the time drinking at parties going on campouts etc, so maybe this is whats making me concerned as I know what can happen. my other concern is her not being truthful about where she going.x

OP posts:

Orchidlady · 01/10/2013 13:44

Maybe she thinks you will be judgemental and give her a hard time. Come on 17 and got drunk and slept with a boy, don't think you should be shocked or surprised. If you live out of town offer to pick her up, make sure she know she can call if she need you.

Fairylea · 01/10/2013 13:47

I think you were wrong to read her messages. She is 17, not 12.

I think all you can do is carry on as if you haven't read them and maybe comment about contraception in general (maybe in response to something on tv so she doesn't feel you're lecturing her) and ask if she's thought about going on the pill and remind her how only condoms prevent std's etc. Make it very general.

You're going to have to forget you read the messages I think.

chubblylovely13 · 01/10/2013 14:03

thankyou for the advice thats what i will do forget ive read them, and let her know she can ring me no matter what as i would never judge anyone. its so weird i have a son who is 30 and remember telling him about drugs etc but it feels so different with my daughter. thankyou.x

OP posts:

BrianTheMole · 01/10/2013 14:07

Well she's 17. Nearly an adult. I don't think you should have read her messages tbh. The only thing you can do is talk to her about keeping herself safe. And how do you know she's not on the pill or using other contraception if you didn't know that about her? If you say anything you will break her trust completely. It will take years to recover from that.

minihahawithafringe · 01/10/2013 14:09

I'd buy her some condoms and give them to her. I'd say that you would prefer it if she was in an established loving relationship, but that sometimes that just doesn't happen.

But you want her to be safe even if she is doing something you don't want her to.

Unconditional love, and all that.

( I have 4 sisters, two pregnant in their teens and two pregnant in their thirties)

GreenGiant3 · 01/10/2013 14:15

Wow. Never ever, ever, let it slip you read her messages, that is beyond out of order. Again as PP have stated, as long as she knows your there for her that's all you can do really, i would probably attempt a little contraception chat with her though, she needs to be protected. Possibly arrange doctors appointment? Also you could possibly put condoms in the bathroom cabinet and make her aware, obviously not to encourage her but she needs to be protected against any STD's or pregnancy. This may also help her be open with you.

Good luck

NoComet · 01/10/2013 14:29

As the mother of an almost 16y, DD who's best friends are almost 17 I find this let her get on with it attitude most disturbing.

Living where they do DD and her friends live very sheltered lives, whether their parents want them to or not.

DD cannot get to her GP and go on the pill without me knowing, There is zilch public transport. She has no friends in that town to visit.

Her BFs might be able to go in school lunch time now they are 6th form, but they go to a small and very gossipy school.

Non of them as been to a mixed party since they were about 7.

DD1 at least goes to a mixed comp, her BF's go to a very traditional girls school, no contact with boys at all.

They are bright kids and non of them is the least naive in theory (in fact one of DD's friends gave very funny and very accurate sex education lessons aged about 11).

At university, with time to plan and privacy I'm certain they will be fine, at a drunken teen party, total unused to such things. I'd worry a lot more.

CeliaFate · 01/10/2013 16:32

You have a responsibility to talk to her about STIs, pregnancy, sexual assault as opposed to consensual sex when drunk, alcohol poisioning, drugs. But this will be too much for one conversation.

I would advise her to take care not to drink too much or leave her drink unattended in case it's spiked, and buy her some condoms with the caveat that you hope she won't need them, but you'd rather she was safe than sorry.

jellybeans · 07/10/2013 11:07

'As the mother of an almost 16y, DD who's best friends are almost 17 I find this let her get on with it attitude most disturbing.'

Me too. Do these people even have a 16/17 year old..

curlew · 07/10/2013 11:11

I have a 17 year old. I still consider that I have a duty of care towards her. I find this "let her get on with it " attitude very worrying.

teenagetantrums · 08/10/2013 17:15

I would just tell her you read the messages and see what she has to say, at least it will open up the conversation you need to have about safe sex and spiked drinks ect, My daughter is nearly 17 and no way would she be camping out in October getting drunk and having sex. She does drink and go to parties but i like to know where she is and have been know to do the odd spot check just to make sure, she knows i wont say no to most things but i get angry if she lies about where she is its just not safe, shes still young and needs some guidance.

Parmarella · 08/10/2013 17:26

If my parents would have read my diary or letters (I am from before the digital revolution) I would have lost all trust in my mum.

Either you trust her, or you don't.

Either she is clued up about birth control, as you have had appropriate conversations about sex, or you haven't, in which case: get in there quick.

the drinking, at 17, not such a big deal, depending on how much really. I have been "drinking" since 14 but never had more than 1 or two.

What you've done is a breach of trust.

DownstairsMixUp · 08/10/2013 17:33

My dad did this to me (read messages, obviously not on fb, didn't exsist then) think i was 16 at the time i was furious, as you can imagine, had a teenage temper tantrum, told my dad he'd never trust me again etc etc. Isn't that part of the parcel of being a teen? I know for a fact he'd never have done that when i was 18 but he found out through these messages I'd been sleeping with my then b/f. My dad just wanted me to be safe and of course i didn't realise that at the time, just thought he was a big fat meanie but it did make me realise i had to sort it out (had stupidly been relying on pull out method in my silly years) and i got myself an appointment at the gp and went on the pill. As for the drinking, not sure what you can do about this. I don't think i'd mind my 17 year old having the occasional drink with me or their dad on a saturday or friday but not without me.

Btw, i do trust my dad millions now and realise he did what he did as i'd never spoken to him otherwise. I don't still hate him, it just took me growing up to realise this. :)

JustinBsMum · 08/10/2013 21:17

Can't you insist on picking her up at a certain time. I would be a bit wary about heavy drinking in cold weather in somewhere where they could maybe have a fall or something. If she says it's a party can't you arrange to collect her from 'party' at a time that suits you so there's much less chance of sex.

amumthatcares · 09/10/2013 11:52

I think you were wrong to read her messages. She is 17, not 12 I agree with this, but if it were my DD and I had the opportunity to take a peek, I would...and have. At least you know the potential dangers she may be facing and can then use the knowledge to broach any concerns in a round about way

The one thing I have always instilled in my DD is that when she is out, she can ALWAYS ring me any time of the night if she is worried/scared etc. There have been a couple of occassions that she has and I have thrown my coat on and gone to pick her up. I've always made her feel it is the right thing to do and never made her feel that it was a problem for me.

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