16 yr old daughters 18 yr old boyfriend & family have turned her against us

(108 Posts)
Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 01:52:58

Basically our daughter has been with this 18 yr old boy for a few months now and I tried making him feel welcome & although her dad didn't like him he promised to try too, we took him away for the weekend with us, took him for dinner a couple Of times & even to an event our daughter was going to, just so he felt included. Next thing we know our daughter went to a party at this lads house & didn't want to abide by any rules set by us :/ we said she was to come home and not spend the night there but low and behold she stayed there the night against our wishes -.- the next day we went and picked her up which she wasn't happy about, she was wearing his top, boxers shorts & hoody sad the boys mum & family saw nothing wrong with this although we had previously stipulated that we did NOT want them sleeping together in the same room. We tried speaking to our daughter about the disrespect but she completely flew off the handle & got verbally aggressive towards me telling me to leave the house & that she hates me etc etc.... Me never hearing such painful things from either of my daughters before was completely shocked & it tore me to pieces but stupidly I told her to leave if she hated me that much sad 20 minutes later she walked out & turned to this lad & his family. She made the argument out to be worse then it actually was & they took her in, I kept texting but she wouldn't reply to me, I texted her boyfriend asking if he had heard from her & if she was safe but he wasn't replying to me, at this point myself, my other daughter & the girls dad had got in our cars & were searching the town & neighbouring villages for signs of our daughter. After 3 hours of searching & unreplied to txts we went to the boyfriends mothers house I knocked & asked if they had heard from our daughter & the mother said no! While walking away from the front door back to the car I had that mothers instinct & I knew she was lying to me sad a half hour later our youngest daughter went to the boyfriends house & knocked on the door & his older sister came to the door & again lied to my youngest who was in tears in the pouring rain on their doorstep.
Within 10 minutes we then got a txt from our eldest daughter saying that she was at there house & didn't want to speak or see us. We then knew for sure she was safe so left her there the night to calm down. This went on for 6 days! She stayed there & the boyfriend & his family made it feel like a holiday to our daughter while we were sat at home feeling like our world had been tipped upside down because our daughter wasn't replying to us at all. We then found out she was lying to them about us BUT they still believe her, we also found out the boys mother had let them have sex in the house the whole time sad then we found out they were trying to go to the council & get my daughter a one bedroom flat they called the police out in us because apparently we were pestering them because we was trying to find out what was going on & how our daughter was? Since then we got our daughter home but she is still disrespectful & when she was told she wasn't going out at 9:15pm the other night she texted her boyfriend & his mother & told them that she had had a bad row with her father & had walked out & was scared to go home because he grabbed her -.- they then called the police to arrest him sadluckily this was untrue, her dad had simply said she was not going out as it was late & she was grounded (he had NOT grabbed her at all) the police realised this was the case & brought her home. But all she does now is show her boyfriend & his family respect & lie about us to gain whatever she wants from his family & I'm sick of it, iv got to the point where I don't want to lose her but if she walks out again I'm just going to let her get on with it :/

He has changed her & I just want some advice on how to get her away from him & his immoral family

CeliaFate Wed 02-Oct-13 09:33:55

Where was she supposed to be going? I wouldn't let my dd go out if she spoke to me like that, but there are certain trigger points in your story that I'd avoid.

I would allow her to use my straighteners - hell, I'd buy her an identical pair just to keep the peace. Remember you're not dealing with a reasonable adult, your dd has got emotional issues which you need to think of as the bigger picture.

Plugging them in across the stairs is obviously a no go, so get her a pair, an extension lead and let her keep them in her room (when she's calm and you've spoken to her).

Your dh has to step up here - if you're ill in bed she should have gone to him.

I can remember being a bit like this as a teenager so I suppose I can see it from her point of view a little bit. A huge argument escalating from a pair of hair straighteners is ridiculous. I think this may help to prevent trouble occurring - pick your battles. This one she could have won.

I hope I don't sound unsympathetic because I am on your side.

Mumtomygirls Wed 02-Oct-13 09:52:08

That's the daft thing she has a pair identical to mine as well as a much more expensive pair made by GHD but her bedroom is such a mess that she can't find them >.<

When she demands iv tried not to give into her because she gets very forceful (not just with me but with her little sister and our pets too)

The girls never go to anyone else but me :/ they will walk past their father to ask me to give them a lift somewhere or if they can have such and such.

Hubby just told me that she was kicking off in the car moaning that she was going to be late for school because her little sister needed dropping off at a specific part of school because she had to get changed ready for PE and had about 5 minutes to do so (this was because her older sister, the one who's complaining had made them so late)

She does not seem to be able to see when something is her fault sad

Mumtomygirls Wed 02-Oct-13 10:05:27

Sorry if I'm not making much sense I'm dosed up now on cold and flu tablets (yes the hard stuff lol)

She is meant to being going out with her boyfriend tonight :/

chocoluvva Wed 02-Oct-13 11:13:13

Poor you - a doubly rubbish start to the day.

This is what I'd do now: let her see her BF tonight. But tell her she won't get a lift to school tomorrow if she's rude again. Remind her that her DS will not be made late because of her actions. Suggest - but don't tell her - that she finds the straighteners tonight before she goes to bed so they're ready in the morning. Be polite to her but not friendly when she comes back from school. If she comments or asks for any 'favours' briefly and matter of factly tell her she'll have to do it/get it whatever herself as you don't feel like being kind to her today after she was rude and inconsiderate this morning. These are the natural consequences of being horrible to your mum. And you're treating her like an adult. Punishing her will set things back. Some of your work getting her to understand that you're fine with her choice of BF etc will be undone if you 'use' her BF IYSWIM. You're giving her the choice of behaving properly in the morning rather than trying to force her to or get 'revenge' as she might see it. If she makes a poor choice - ie repeats this morning - the consequence is that you and your family will be so fed up of her that she doesn't get a lift as she's going to make everyone late and no-one wants to be in a car with her. She'll still prefer to have your approval in general. You can demonstrate your disapproval of her behaviour without her feeling that you're trying to control her.

youaretooyoung97 Wed 02-Oct-13 15:44:38

Could you not talk to one of her friends, or one of her friends parents to try and get some time for you and your daughter to chat?

ancientandmodern Wed 02-Oct-13 17:50:16

OP - re your DD's latest outburst, I have lost count of the arguments/incidents involving hair straighteners in this house (have 2 DDs and umpteen straighteners), not to mention the 'borrowing' issues (I now keep my v expensive Tweezerman tweezers hidden in an ornamental jar...)
Anyway, what I wanted to say was I wouldn't, myself, do much more than remind your DD that electrical leads stretched over stairs are dangerous..I'd let the rest go, to be honest. You've got back on a more even path with her now and you need to pick your fights rather than pull her up for every misdemeanour (not to say she isn't being infuriating).
Best of luck

hellymelly Wed 02-Oct-13 18:07:25

Blimey, times have changed. When I was 16 some of my year were having sex but most were not. And if any of our parents had known they would have hit the roof and grounded said dd for the rest of her A level years. (This did actually happen to one girl ). This wasn't considered "controlling" by any parents or by us. I am an old gimmer (clearly) but I really hope my dds wait until they leave school before having sex. My DH is eight years younger than me but his school friends mostly lost their virginity at University rather than at school.
OP I feel really sorry for you. The other family sound as though they have totally different values. They may feel they are caring for your daughter, but caring would be encouraging her to be respectful to her family. I don't doubt your DD thinks it is lovely there with so few rules. No way would I allow a young teenager to sleep with a partner in my house if his/her parents had expressly said no. I have no helpful advice, but I would be equally upset in your position.

JustinBsMum Thu 03-Oct-13 15:15:57

* but I have never put myself first before like that and it made me feel a little guilty if I'm honest but that's obviously something I have to learn to deal with*

Gosh, this makes you sound a bit of a wooss to me. Saying this just because you wanted her to go to bed at a not unreasonable time, no doubt she has phone or pc she can use in bedroom. Mind you at 16 my DCs would have stayed up after me watching tv, as I was an early to bed person.

I read all the 'kids need boundaries' stuff and if it didn't seem unreasonable and suited me to set some boundaries then I did! Our house was nicknamed Stalag 13 by DD's classmates because I made them do some housework! Though this always fell by the way if they had jobs or exams, but I just felt pleased as their friends did b all around the house which seemed bad for them and for their respect for their mothers, so caused no guilt for me.

I would def let her be late for school a couple of times by DH leaving without her. She will then claim - great, I'm not going but imo in the long run she will not hold everyone up again - but you should have done this a few years ago (sorry not much help).

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