Bloody teens and sexting - advice please!

[MaryRose]

So I have just done a random check of DD (13) Facebook. She knows I check every so often, we've agreed I should do this but that I won't comment or snoop unless I'm concerned. Anyway, she had told me about this lad she had been chatting to who she seemed to really like, they had been talking yesterday afternoon, all the usual stuff, when all of a sudden the conversation turns explicit and this boy is sending really obscene messages about what he will do to her. He's 13 too, I'm no prude but this is really disgusting and I just don't know what gives boys the right to think they can talk to girls this way! She sent one reply suggesting she would let him do something which I am really cross with her for but then when he carried the conversation on she ended it pretty abruptly.

I have messaged this boy saying that if he sends any more indecent messages to her I will be going into school and having words and pointing out that what he is doing is illegal. But what should I say to my daughter? She was less at fault with him but she did day something she really shouldn't. I want to strike a balance between reading the riot act and being sympathetic if she was put in a situation she didn't want to be in. She thought this boy was really nice so I imagine she's confused.

I've locked her out of FB and phone will be being confiscated after school as well until I'm satisfied she's got the message. How to approach this though?

[frogwatcher42]

I really don't have an answer but will watch with interest. I think a lot of parents have this problem now. I certainly know of one parent who doesn't even think her dd has a facebook account and is unaware of really explicit messages between the dd and another boy in the class. Several of us parents are unsure as to whether to tell the mother or not - I don't think she would believe us anyway. But her daughter certainly knows far more x rated stuff than any of us parents who have found it through our own childrens accounts do - its really nasty stuff. And it was definately sent by the girl herself as she has admitted it to some of our dds and allowed them access!

Good Luck.

[MaryRose]

Thanks frogwatcher. It's horrifying isn't it? She's never been allowed her phone or computer at night and I've always checked her messages so at least I've found out and can nip it in the bud pretty quickly. I know it's commonplace these days but I'm still shocked tbh

[MaryRose]

p.s I know it's difficult but I'd be inclined to find a way to let this girl's mum know. At the end of the day kids sometimes need protecting from themselves.

[frogwatcher42]

It is shocking MaryRose. I was horrified at the things I read - I was also educated that night too as had to look some things up on google to understand them!

I am certain that my dds know more than me about sex and the like! Especially the what I would have known as unusual porn film type stuff.

Its a really difficult situation because your dd is letting you access her account to check it and so she trusts you at the moment. If you come down too hard on her she may go behind your back and then you would never know.

I don't have an answer. Hopefully somebody more knowledgeable and wise will come along soon to advise us both!!!

[JohnnyUtah]

I think you talk it through with your DD along the lines of her having made an error of judgment, made a mistake, rather than been naughty. Still give the same consequences, but talk about ut differently. At 13 neither she nor the boy really understand what the things they are talking about mean (fully understand I mean) - it is mainly bragging and bravado.

[Chopstheduck]

I think you need to sit down with her and have a chat about why such behaviour is inappropriate. I screen my dd's fb account. It's a condition of her being allowed the account.

My dd did something similar last year. She was flooded with hormones, and getting carried away with the whole situation and ended up feeling utterly confused. We had a long chat about it and I explained to her that hormones will make her feel oddly and it is important not to rush into things in that state when she can't really make a proper decision and might regret her actions.

I think really the most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open. Don't come down on her like a ton of bricks, she needs to be able to trust you. Spend some time with her 1:1 and have a little empathy for her being in that situation, but enforce the fact that it is not acceptable and won't be tolerated.


Block the boy from her facebook account too. it might also be more helpful if you went through her messages together rather than you spying on her behind her back.

[Sindarella]

I think you should be quite proud of your dd, she responded then didnt like the way it was going so shut it down. At 13 they will be getting the hormones, emotions etc
Instead of being angry with her for one response, be proud she cut it off when she did.
I would talk to her about the one thing she said but i would also point out the fact that i was pleased she was sensible enough not to carry on

[MaryRose]

Thank you peeps. Helpful suggestions. Yes I think enforcing consequences but treating it as an error of judgement is probably the way to go. The fact that she ended the conversation so abruptly makes me think he was making her feel uncomfortable. I want her to learn the lesson that when a boy makes a feel uncomfortable she needs to extricate herself without feeling guilty.

[MaryRose]

Sindarella, yes I may open with the fact that I am pleased she cut the conversation off. Someone on another thread recommended a good CEOP vid on You Tube so I may get her to watch that with me as an opener.

[1TattooedMummy]

I agree with Sindarella

also this boy she likes, does she know him irl? if not I'd talk to her about the dangers of fake online personae (actually I'd talk to her about that anyway)

Good luck. Keep monitoring, keep talking.

[valiumredhead]

Imo you have done the right thing. She knew the rules presumably that you had put in place and she broke them therefore she loses fb and phone.

She had to know how serious this is.

Personally our school take stuff like this extremely seriously and we can report this sorry of stuff to the head.

I think your ds needs praising for backing off when things got too steamy, far to easy to think this is the norm and that she should be engaging.

Number one rule in this house is don't text or email ANYTHING you are not happy for your mum, school or whole playground to see. Break this rule and you lose your phone. Ds isn't on fb yet thank goodness.

[specialsubject]

that is a very wise rule. It also goes for anything you put on the internet, full stop.

we all operate under an alias here but I try to stick to that rule on the assumption that NOTHING on the internet is really anonymous.

remind the kids of that!

[adeucalione]

I teach at secondary school and think that you do have to consider the possibility that she shut the conversation down because she knew you might read it, whilst continuing similar conversations at school in person.

Honestly, you wouldn't believe some of the stuff we hear about at school, even from the kids you'd expect to know better. I suppose it's a normal part of development really, but the advent of technology means that permanent records now exist and, if nothing else, she needs to be made aware of that fact.

Personally I wouldn't have messaged the boy, unless my DD asked me to, but asked her to deal with it. The chances are that he is a normal, hormone riddled teen who (possibly mistakenly, possibly with some encouragement) felt such talk would be welcome.

[assumpta]

Maryrose. After finding similar stuff with my daughter age 13. Videos, photos, Skype, whatsapp, snapchat, texts, instagram, bbms - we approached softly softly, believeing that she could have been led into it and got caught up with it. We changed numbers, stopped bbm, got rid of Skype, and all the rest. We thought she had known the dangers, but went through everything again. Including that it is permanent, everything can be recorded, screen snapped etc, she can be blackmailed over it with them saying they will tell or show people. Asked her how she would feel if someone found out family wise etc., she said she wouldn't like it. We are a close family and have always said come with any worries, we do stuff together, she gets stuff, but also has to save and pay for things herself. She knows we love her, care and want her to be safe.

After thinking it had stopped, as she told us it had, we found that SHE had started it up again, SHE had found numbers that had been gotten rid of, SHE was now sexting and actually SPEAKING on the mobile to them. This was all AFTER we had spoken to her, reiterated the dangers etc. I had been blaming myself and wondering what on earth we had done wrong to create this mess. It was/is not us, it is HER. She is texting a boyfriend, about 12/13 who we know nothing about, he lives miles away, goes to school miles away. We have said no phone use after 9/9.30pm. She says she doesn't. We got itemised phone bills and see that she is texting him up to 11pm, sometimes later. She thinks he is not a stranger because she met him a couple of times with another boy. She wants to meet him this weekend, maybe friday evening after school but more probably sunday. She tells us lies constantly, and when we ask if she is meeting someone she will say no. The thing is, we are not overly strict, but not push overs either. We are fairly young and remember what it is like to be a teenager. We wouldn't have such a problem with her meeting a boy that we know at least something about, or know a parent that may know his parents. She cannot see that it is not safe for anyone, sometimes not even an adult, to be meeting up with people you hardly know. S she seems to have stopped the more serious stuff, do I just let her get on with this boy, again explaining the facts and dangers? This is my situation.

Do you know any other social networks she is using. I could very well be the mother of the daughter that has a Facebook account but her mum doesn't know. I really don't know my daughter myself anymore. Do you know how heartbreaking that is?

I can take everything away, I can talk and advise till I am blue in the face. I can love and care for her, but until she realises it is wrong, it won't stop for good. She says now that it has, and I have to try to believe her or I will go mad. But the obsession with chasing and harassing, from what I can see, boys is ongoing. I realise that boys tend to be blamed as the chasers, it doesn't seem to be that way in our case, so I can't actually blame him.

[MrsPnut]

We started blocking her devices from the router after 8pm, and made her leave her mobile downstairs when she went to bed.

There was a boy that we caught her on her web cam with when she was about 13, that we nicknamed wanking marlon for the rest of her time at school.

She is now 16 and can't belive how stupid she was back then.

[assumpta]

Mrspnut - that sounds so reassuring, but at the moment, my head is just filled with it all - constantly!

I am so glad your dd realised it was wrong. My only hope is that the same thing will happen to mine. I don't know how she can't see it's not safe and that she can get herself into a bad situation.

[MrsPnut]

It is awful whilst it's going on, it took over our lives as well. Her behaviour was so utterly vile. I lost count of the number of times I went to work covered in bruises and bite marks because I'd taken her phone away for crossing boundaries by miles. She smashed things on purpose because she couldn't get her own way and ran up mobile phone bills every month all the while telling us it was our fault because she was on a shit contract.

Wine got me through it, lots of wine and gin too.

[MaryRose]

Assumpta Google take this lollipop handmade your dd watch it. Definite shock tactics, might help if she is sharing too much online.

Things are calm here. Had at length chat with DD who seemed genuinely mortified by the whole thing. Either that or she's a bloody great actress which is possible....

I would definitely recommend banning all electronic devices at night, we have always said phones etc must be downstairs at 9pm so at least I didn't have to introduce that one and suffer a tantrum. I did it originally because I believe those devices disturb sleep but now glad I have for other reasons.

Dd has also started going to a church youth club with some refreshingly wholesome friends where they are not allowed to swear and have to behave themselves! That's helped too.

Hugs to all in similar difficult situations to ours

[MaryRose]

Spoke too soon! She's been messaging him again, honestly! Nothing dodgy, just mundane stuff really but still! Now locked out of FB, snapchat and all the other crap chatting apps until she starts taking a bit of bloody responsibility!

[hotbot]

Friend of mine sent letter and copies of texts to boys parents , and demanded and apology. Threatened court action,
Did the trick...

[MaryRose]

I may yet consider that hotbot :)

[assumpta]

I sincerely hope it all works out for you. Keep us posted.