Parents and teens and unnecessary lifts home!

[HmmmIwonder]

Dd, 15, and all but one of her friends (let's call her Hayley) use good local bus/tram service all the time, it's easy, quick, convenient. They go out in the evenings and, within certain conditions (safe location, not too late etc) they come home by bus or tram.
Hayley lives less than 5mins walk from us.
However, Hayley's mum insists on always picking Hayley up by car, from everywhere, including from our house, always. Even on a sunny afternoon, if Hayley's at ours, her mum will come and pick her up by car.
If our dd is out with Hayley, Hayley's mum obviously - kindly- gives our dd a lift home too, although in Dd's, and our opinion, it's hardly ever necessary.
When Dd is out on a weekend, DH and me would like to go out for a drink, or stay in, have a meal, glass of wine. Not get bladdered, you understand, just have a small sociable drink. This is fine when Dd's out with other friends,but if she's out with Hayley, Hayley's mum inevitably picks Hayley and others up. So we feel like we have to take our turn in picking up the kids, even though we don't really have to pick them up in the car at all!
Should we feel guilty about this, and take our turn at picking them up whenever Hayley's involved, or is it just Hayley's mum's choice and up to her if she wants to give our Dd a lift home every time they go out together?

[BackforGood]

I'd read that as her choice (Hayley's Mum). In a similar situation in that ds has been walking home from friends houses or meeting them 'out' somewhere for some time, but a couple of his newer friends (they are girls - don't know if that makes any difference?) parents always like to collect them. Now I've always taken my turn with necessary lifts, but I'm not about to start picking him up from places it makes more sense for him to walk from, just because - for whatever reason - they want to pick their teens up.

[InTheRedCorner]

Nope I wouldn't get involved. Her choice to collect and your choice not to.

[DameEdnasBridesmaid]

Yep. Let Hayley's mum crack on.

But.. Hayley's mum might be in a for. Rude awakening when Hayley decides she wants a bit of freedom (cue unsuitable bf).

[LemonBreeland]

Leave Hayleys Mum to it. My Mum was similar. Not quite as bad, wouldn't pick me up during the day but always at night.

I hated it. Found it really embarrassing. My Mum was a tad over protective. Friends weren't bothered as they happily saved bus fare, but it really bugged me.

I would accpet it as she is happy to do it and not yir responsibility. My Mum certainly wouldn't have expected other parents to share.

[BackforGood]

[pastitall]

I am sorry but I think you are being a bit selfish , if you dont feel it is necessary just dont accept the lift from Hayleys mum. It wouldnt kill you to pick up your daughter now and again and it might not always be safe , at that age plans change all the time and unless there is a large group it is not safe for a 15 yr old to travel late at night.
I think it is only polite to take a turn now and again or do not accept the lift. I really think missing alcohol every couple of weeks for one night is a small price to pay for a couple of years until your child is a little bit older.
Perhaps you could explore with Hayleys mum if she is happy to taxi all ,or would appreciate a bit of help now and again ?

[valiumredhead]

How late at night are we taking about?

[flow4]

Make your decision based on what you would do if your DD was out with other friends rather than H.

[InTheRedCorner]

past Hmm isn't accepting the lift, her dd is and what 15yr old wouldn't pass up a lift?

I'd also like to think the hmm took I to consideration bus times,venues and routes home when the decision to let dd make her own way home was made.

Just because one mum decides to pick up doesn't mean everyone has to join in.

We have the same with coming home from school, dd1 walks but will end up in one mums car who likes to pick her dd up and offer lifts from senior school. I think they should all walk and have some freedom and responsibility.

[bigTillyMint]

DD has a (really lovely) friend with a (really lovely) mum like this. DD is more than happy to accept any lifts given!

She does live a 10-15min walk from us, so I am happy to drop back, etc when they are together. I think we would just walk her back if we had been drinking.

[SilverApples]

Hayley's mum's choice. But your part is not to sneer and mock at her overprotectiveness, or to say that Hayley will be unfit.
No, you don;t have to take turns.

[FeetUpUntilChristmas]

OP this could be my DD and her friend you are talking about. I make my DD walk, or catch the bus, especially at the moment as I can't drive. Her friend by her own admission hates walking and her mum takes her everywhere. If the lift is justified, too far to walk or after dark then we do offer to do the pick up or drop off, otherwise it is her look out.

For instance last term the school bus went the wrong way (-another story) and they were dropped off at the bus station not our road, this is about a 20 minute walk and the weather was fine. I was at work and DD only called me to let me know what had happened as she would be late home, she wouldn't dream of asking for a lift, her friend was straight in the phone to her mum who came down and got them.

What I am trying to say is I only share lifts where I think the are justified, if I would be happy for my DD to get there herself I would not be offering.

[BackforGood]

Really Pastitall ?
Whereas there is no need for them to be picked up, which teen isn't going to accept a lift if their friend is offering anyway ?

I've never got this sort of MN thinking I think it is only polite to take a turn now and again or do not accept the lift.

Over the years, I've given lifts to LOADS of people that have never given me a lift back 'in return' if you like. I offer a lift if I'm going that way and have space in my car - seems daft not to, but have absolutely no expectation that they somehow then 'owe' me a lift. My ds seems to have been friends all his life with people whose families don't have cars, but I wouldn't not give them a lift because they can't offer me one back, so, equally, I have no problem with someone giving one of my dc a lift that I won't be reciprocating - if they are there anyway, what's the problem with an extra person jumping in?

[cory]

The teen may not even be accepting the lift for her own convenience: she may find it difficult to turn it down in any way that does not seem to be snubbing Hayley's mum.

[sashh]

Don't do it. Hayley probably hates it and is constantly saying 'no one else's mum picks them up', if you start collecting then her argument is dust.

[Viviennemary]

I see why you don't think you should start collecting if you don't feel it's necessary. But on the other hand if your DD accepts a lift from Hayley's Mum then it is a bit more difficult. Not sure what to suggest. But in view of their ages it's quite likely Hayley's mum will stop the lifts maybe it would just be easier to take a very occasional turn. I think people do get resentful if they're always the ones to give lifts and lifts aren't offered in return.

[KatyPutTheCuttleOn]

Leave her to it. I don't collect my DD unless there is not a bus to where she is going, then only if it suits me. If it doesn't then she can walk - nowhere is more than a 20 minute walk. However, there is no bus service so I get her if it is dark.

[HmmmIwonder]

Hi everyone, it's me again. Just to respond to a few of the posts - yes, of course we take our turn for necessary lifts, and we have ferried Hayley and others around plenty of times,when necessary, and will continue to do so.
And of course we would never suggest our Dd or any of her friends got a bus late at night, or from anywhere we consider even slightly dodgy!!
Also wanted to say that Dd was out with Hayley at the cinema last night, till 10pm, and they got the bus home together (bus stop is right outside the cinema) after Hayley told her mum she would PREFER to get the bus with her friend rather than be picked up : VINDICATED