Honest advice needed please

[mummy250271]

Hi, I have a daughter who is 13, the problem I have is that she nevers seems to go out with friends. She seems totally happy at home with me but whenever I see all her friends out and about on facebook etc, she never gets invited. She has tried to arrange for a group of girls to go out with her but she keeps getting let down by them. I am worried that she really must be a horrible person or is she just so quiet and unnoticeable that she just drifts from group to group and doesnt really fit in anywhere. My daughter really doesnt seem bothered by any of this and I sometimes worry that I am worrying too much for both of us. I have tried suggesting she join a group or club but she just laughs and says no, people would laugh at me if they found out. Any advice would be appreciated please

[mummytime]

I think you have a problem from your "I am worried that she really must be a horrible person" comment. I think you needto sort out your thinking first.

Lots of teens don't actually go out much, my DD was just talking today about how little a lot of her friends do. You could encourage your DD to join an activity, maybe with people totally unconnected to those at school.

However by not going out too much she may well be avoiding some of the bullying etc. that goes on. What is she interested in? Do you build her self confidence? Does she communicate with people over the Internet etc? What does she want o do with her life?

[mummy250271]

She doesnt really have any interests. She tried to arrange to go swimming with a small group of girls but one by one they all drop out and let her down (hence the reason me worrying she may not be the nice person I see her as, if that makes sense). She did hang around with a group of loud girls that roam the streets day and night but she said they did nothing but start arguments with people so she distanced herself from them. She does seem happy in herself, so maybe it is my thinking where the problem lies x

[BackforGood]

My older dd is now 14 (closer to 15 than 13) but doesn't see the point in "going into town" or other - to quote - 'pointless' things some of her school friends do. That's fine by me, I've never seen the point in hanging about either.
I think a lot of teens don't do 'going out' that much. I don't think it's something to be worried about. My dcs tend to see their school friends when they are at school, and travelling back and fore from school, they don't spend much time seeing them in real life outside of school.

[mummy250271]

Thank you, it really is putting my mind at rest xx

[Earthworms]

I didn't do going out as a young teen either

Too dull. All they did was mope around the shops. Hang around the park...

Bo-ring

I subsequently developed a normal, healthy social life at uni.

Don't worry.

[mummy250271]

Earthworms - thank you, you wouldn't believe how much your post has helped me xxx

[Sparklingbrook]

My Ds (14) as like this. Two years ago he spent the whole 6 weeks at the park with his 'friends'. Then the friends started doing stuff like jumping in the canal.
Last year and this he doesn't want to do that. He has friends round individually, but never arranges anything with a group.
He is quite shy, but he seems quite happy.

[bigTillyMint]

I am sure your DD is not a horrible person. Maybe she has just not met others that share the same interests, etc. Is she in Y8? One of my DD's BFF's (who goes to a different school) took till Y9 to find a group of kids she got along with.

The going out and about with friends is a double-edged sword. True they seem to be having fun and socialising, but also they may be being exposed to stuff that you feel they are still a bit young for, or getting into trouble.

After a week of sleepovers and going out and about with friends, I am wishing that DD would stay at home a bit more where I know she is safe.
And DS is currently grounded because of stuff that happened when he was out with his friends.

[cory]

I didn't really go out as a teen either. But had a very good social life at university. And I would have you know that I am a lovely person. As no doubt is your dd.

If I had chosen to hang around with people I had nothing in common with, just to seem more popular, it wouldn't have suddenly turned me into a nicer person.

Your dd seems a very sensible person to be distancing herself from people who are behaving unpleasantly and could get her into trouble. As she grows older and goes to college she will find other people more like her, and she really won't regret the years she didn't spend getting into pointless arguments with people in the street.

And don't forget that interests don't have to be outward facing or organised by other people to count as interests. I read lots of books in those days: that's an interest. My ds watches the news and knows a lot about current affairs: that's an interest.

[chocoluvva]

Perhaps she's an introvert. Which is fine.

Or, she maybe just isn't considered 'cool enough' for her peer group. Which might or not bother her, but will sort itself out when they're a bit older.

You say she doesn't have any interests. Does she read much?

[bigTillyMint]

So true Cory - I used to read loads as a young teen.

Actually, thinking about it, I had quite a "dry" period between say 12/13 and 15/16 as we moved house so I didn't have such a social circle so close. It didn't do me any harm and I think probably gave me the space to grow up and develop my own identity without having to fit in with the crowd.

[cory]

Come to think of it, bigTilly, most teens I know have had a dry period, even the ones who are socially very successful. I think you're very right in what you said about it giving the space to grow. If you spend all your time frantically fitting in with other people it will leave you less time to find out who you really are- and consequently take longer to find the people who are a natural fit.

[Slipshodsibyl]

Agree with all the comments above. Teenagers letting each other down over swimming etc happens and is not necessarily a personal slight. I think it's a useful lesson in self reliance actually and that friends might not always be the reliable stalwarts that teenage magazines have you think, and that is ok as we are all fallible.

Unless you think she is is unhappy, you probably have a child who doesn't need to fit in with a certain group. That's a great quality. An awful lot of the cool group don't really like it much but are scared to miss out.

And yes, you notice the ultra sociable ones on fb and the quieter ones are invisible but there are plenty of them.

[Stricnine]

My DD, now almost 17 made this you tube video about 6 months ago.. quite unprompted and totally without adult input, but it highlights an interesting incident a few years ago when I thought she should go out more... in her own words:

And she's now developing into a confident social human being, so if your DD is happy in her own company, that's fine and definately not an indication that she is not a nice person!

[mummy250271]

Thank you Stricnine x