privacy and inappropriate conversation

[clodhopper13]

DS is 14 (almost 15) He has a GF who is also 14.

he left his facebook page open on my computer with the conversation between him and GF - they have been together only abut 1 month.

The comments are quite upsetting about how he wants to "F8ck her" and she makes him hard. She is clearly engaging with this and has sent some quite provocative pictures although she is clothed in the, From what he has written I think he has sent her photos of his penis.

They have not had sex (no opportunity) .. but clearly only a matter of time unless they are very very closely supervised. They live some distance from each other and she does not travel alone so I am confident in that.

WWYD?

[TeenAndTween]

me? I'd panic

You'll get loads of people saying it's only natural, of course they'll have sex etc etc etc. Personally I would try to check somehow what is bravado, and what is intention. I think at 14 (or 15) it is too young.

And as a parent of a 14yr old girl I would not be happy at her receiving pictures you have described.

[Mabelface]

I'd be extremely not happy with this and would be having strong words about respect, what is appropriate and how he should be behaving towards women. I do agree that there will be bravado in there, but it's not on. I'd also be having a good chat about contraception, sexual health and the age of consent being there for a reason.

[chocoluvva]

It's illegal for him to send these photos of himself to a minor.

[valiumredhead]

You'll have loads of posts saying it's normal BUT in this house ds would lose his phone indefinitely and he would lose his face book account too.

I would be having a very very stern talk with him about what is and is not appropriate.

[outingmyselfprobably]

He could go on the sex offenders register. You need to tell him the photos must stop immediately.

The chat is less worrying (to me, anyway).

[clodhopper13]

my instinct is to go nuclear - in a controlled way. To take away his phone and remove internet access / facebook. I do not know the girls mother well but we have been in text contact and I have met her once. She seems sensible.

i will replace his current smart phone which he has had for only 4 weeks with a payg nokia with NO functions. Fortunately we are very busy in the next weeks so he will not have an opportunity to actually meet with her again for some time.

[valiumredhead]

The chat would break number one house rule which is DO NOT TEXT OR EMAIL ANYTHING THAT YOU WOULD NOT BE HAPPY FOR YOUR MUM OR THE SCHOOL TO READ

[SuperiorCat]

I don't think nuclear always works with teens, when I have done it with DS he just shuts down.

I think you need to really spell it out to him why he shouldn't be doing it, and instigate a rule like valium has said.

[Hassled]

I would go nuclear. The phone thing sounds good. And yes, a long serious chat.

[chocoluvva]

I like to think I wouldn't "go nuclear" - he's being stupid and acting illegally but he hasn't done anything extremely immoral (IMO) He's not bullying, being violent, vandalising property etc.

You need to ensure that he will communicate with you and feel that he can tell you anything he needs to without fear of you having a fit. Eg, supposing that he gets into a drunken scrape when he's a bit older - would you rather he hid it from you and ended up in more trouble for want of your support/advice or told you? IYSWIM.

Not to say that I wouldn't be horrified if he were my son. It's just that you risk the unintended consequence of him pulling away from you.

Also, he was careless with his FB account, but he might be so cross at you invading his privacy, as he sees it that he focuses only on the perceived injustice and his punishment which he will think is out of proportion to the crime instead of reflecting on the folly of his behaviour.

[bigTillyMint]

If it was my DS (who is only 12 but looks at least 14), I would do as Madlizzy/chocoluvva. I reckon DH would go nuclear.

We do have conversations about respect, etc, but maybe we need to be even more explicit. Valiumredhead, that is a really good rule - I am going to steal it for our house

[Theas18]

Hmm he left his facebook page open on your computer to me suggests he wants you to find it and do something.

Agree re sex offenders and sending photos.It could be prosecuted. IIRC even having photos of your OWN penis o a phone could be an issue but I may be wrong....

Absolutely replace the smart phone and put all parental controls on internet lock it so tight he needs to ask you for a password to do pretty much anything, at least at the moment. That'll give him lots of time to think about what he's doing. The school/mother rule is good too.

Watc he isn't living at a friends house to use their net though!

People say I'm alarmist when I point out issues like this as a problem with mobile internet access/smart phones for teens. They can just get them selves in deep trouble and not realize it.

Sadly, also don't assume the haven't had sex. It only takes a skived lesson or a few minutes " behind the bike shed" excused by a got kept back by Mr X " or " missed the bus"...

[LineRunner]

I would go bonkers, yes, because it's wildly inappropriate behaviour towards another 14 year old, and I'd make sure he knew that.

[SuperiorCat]

From over hearing a conversation between DS and his mate in the car yesterday, I wonder if some of it is bravado actually.

I know that this is an age where they are discovering sex, and it seems to be the in thing to send naked pics of yourself these days, but that might be all that they have done.

A friend who is a pastoral assistant at a secondary says IHE that it is usually those in 6+ month relationships that are sexually active, before that it is just kissing, the odd fondle etc

[chocoluvva]

I heard on the radio today that the average age of first-time sex is going up.

[valiumredhead]

I would suggest that he is very out of touch of that's what he thinks!

[valiumredhead]

Or she!

[chocoluvva]

She quoted a survey, but I can't remember the details of it.

[dontputaringonit]

Kids are also drinking less, taking fewer drugs and doing better at school.

[chocoluvva]

don'tputaringonit - are you being sarcastic?

[dontputaringonit]

No, not at all

www.onmedica.com/newsarticle.aspx?id=7e101279-2b67-4316-920f-171f4d0af7bb

Seen a few things saying similar things.

[chocoluvva]

Ooh that's encouraging - thank you for the link.

I wasn't sure if you were being serious as I'd got the impression - anecdotal 'evidence' etc that there is more drinking going on with under 16s now.

I have also heard recently that researchers think young people are less tolerant of drug use.

In OP's case I just don't think that being furious with him and coming down heavily will influence his sexual behaviour. (Even though I'd feel furious with him.) It will also give him a way to rebel.