pathetic - but I need a hand hold

[blessedwolf]

as the title says, I know this is daft, but I need to feel not alone.
my 16 year old son (sensitive, kind, bright) is on an extended school trip - 4 weeks abroad. and I think he's hating it. he's in very few group photos, or he's on his own while the rest were posing for a group shot. I spoke to him on the phone and he sounded ok but was very evasive when asked about how the social side of things were going (but which teen isn't??).
generally he's happy at school but very rarely makes social arrangements out of school. and he doesn't know all the kids on the trip.
not sure what i want here. I just need to know that i'm not the only mum with a lovely boy who seems to struggle socially for reasons I don't quite understand. and what do i do? I want to make it all better for him but know that I can't. So I just sit here and worry and feel sad on his behalf.
are there other mums dealing with this better than me?

[Sparklingbrook]

Hi blessed. I know exactly how you feel. DS1 went on a week long residential abroad last year and we had a lot of phone calls with the teacher on the 'emergency' number after getting a lot of teary phone calls from him.

He is very reluctant to make any arrangements out of school bit goes along to stuff he is invited to.

4 weeks is a long time though. What are they up to?

[ChippingInHopHopHop]

It might be the making of him :)

It wont actually do him any harm either way - he's growing up, you just have to let him get on with it really.

Try to distract yourself and trust that your son can handle this, even if you don't understand it.

&

[quoteunquote]

Text him loads of good jokes, MN always comes up with the goods if you start what is you favourite joke? thread.

Then he has something to add into the mix,

It is hard and he will be feeling home sick but I bet he is finding something good in the trip,

are the teachers nice, are they aware he struggles to mix?

try not to worry, it a long trip , but it will help him, he will find other smaller things far easier when he gets back,

are you allowed to text the teacher, or will that cost them?

they do always sound their saddest on the phone home, I bet he is smiling a lot and having fun.

[secretscwirrels]

I have a very similar DS. Just because he isn't the centre of attention and life and soul of the party doesn't mean he is miserable.
I think you should send the odd bright and breezy text, but otherwise hold back. He is safe and having a new experience which he will learn from. If he doesn't enjoy it he can chalk it up to experience and not repeat it.
He is starting to spread his wings and you have to watch and support. try not to worry.

[Theas18]

agree with secret, nut to much contract and keep it very up beat . He's with school. I assume this isn't the first 4 week trip they've done arms gee wrong be the only one feeling a bit socially challenged, You don't really know from what you've told us if he is miserable or just being him, I'm sure I'd it was a significant problem they'd deal with it. they do knit your son pretty well.

have a hug.

[Chrissy60]

Hi, you are not alone with these feelings, I think I can empathise with you. My 16 year old also not socially confident, I too don' t understand why as he is intelligent and has a great sense of humour but just doesn't seems to form strong friendships. He does go out on the odd occasion and I think ' good he's starting to get out there a little' and then he goes back to staying in again. I hope despite you worrying that your son gets some positive experiences from his trip, which will help him as he matures. I know it's very hard but try not to worry yourself too much. I just wanted you to know I understand. Take care .x

[monikar]

It is a worry when they are away but once he is back you may find that his confidence has picked up a bit as he has got through it. Try to hold on to that thought.

What sort of trip is it? The reason I ask is that a lot of these extended trips are to do with charitable work ime and I know from my DD 17 that they keep them really busy every single day. He may be a little overwhelmed with all that he is expected to pack in to one day, and he is likely to be very tired, so this could account for why you feel he is not enjoying it.

It is possible that he phones you when he is feeling down so you hear from him when he is at his worst, so it is just a snapshot - chances are the rest of the time he is ok and having a good time, but that of course does not take away the worry.

I agree with other posters - keep your texts upbeat, and try and keep as busy as you can while he is away.

[blessedwolf]

Thanks for replying. I do appreciate it. (Busy with younger kids so couldn't get back sooner). I know (in my head) that he'll be fine and that this is a small problem compared to others on this board. But it's so hard not to worry.
It is a church-sponsored trip and this is a great opportunity for him even tho we're not particularly religious. The school has run it for years and know what they are doing. I'm just finding it hard to let go. (I did say it was pathetic!!)
I will take your advice, hold back and contact him little and often with positive texts. Thanks again.

[Sijeunessesavait]

Other posters have said it all, and you're not pathetic at all to want to make everything OK for your DS, that's what any good parent wants to do. I'm sure you would hear from the teachers who are with him if there were any serious concerns, but I wonder if you know any parents of the other kids in the group and could ask what they're hearing back? I always find it interesting to compare notes with parents of my DS15's friends, and sometimes it's hard to believe that they have all been on the same trip, there are so many different reports, in varying amounts of details. Most of all, as others have said, this experience will almost certainly have been incredibly valuable to him in recognising his own strength and resources, and painful though it is to let them spread their wings, we too need to learn to do this! I hope you can post on his return to tell us how brilliant his trip has been.

[sicily1921]

blessed I can empathise, my DS 14yrs sounds very similar, he won't even go on day trips with school if he can avoid it, which is a worry to me. Before you know it he will be back and probably surprise you with how much he has gained from it and even enjoyed it. Agree with other posters about keeping upbeat for him. Take care.

[Sparklingbrook]

DS1 is off to France for the day tomorrow. We have to drop him at school in 3 hours. Up until now it has been all excitement. We are now getting the 'I'm not sure about this' look that he does a lot.

[MyBoysAreFab]

When my Ds's have school trips, they don't allow contact home, nor anything to be posted on FB for this very reason. No phones can be taken nor anything that can access the internet. The teachers have all our numbers so we can be contacted in an emergency but they decided on this policy because of the number of tearful phone calls etc. Not that it makes it any easier! OP - it is tough - hopefully your DS will probably come home and tell you he had a great time!

[blessedwolf]

Thanks all once again for your support. It is helpful to know that I and DS are not the only ones feeling this way. (Him struggling socially and me struggling to watch!)
MBAF - I think your school's policy makes sense and no contact would be better than contact that leads to worry and upset.
I have distracted myself today and received a happier sounding message. I will continue to take your advice - upbeat messages and the belief he will get there in the end. Good night all.

[chocoluvva]

If it's any consolation I was concerned 5 days into a week long trip my 16YO was on when she replied to my FB message saying I was looking forward to her coming home and getting her news that she was having fun but she was looking forward to being home again. I think she was just very tired and overheated though. When she got back she was full of talk about the trip and how she wants to go back next year.

He's probably fine, as you know and far too cool to be in the centre of cheesy group photos or confessing to having a good time.

Definitely not pathetic of you.

[Sparklingbrook]

I have texted DS1 to see if he's having a good day en France today. Got the reply 'Yep'. He's back home at Midnight so will see if he says any more than that....

[BackforGood]

I have to agree with others about holding back with the contact.
The best trips have rules in place to say "No contact directly with home while you are away" - it saves no end of homesickness, which can often be triggered by hearing news, or even voices from home.