My 13 year old 'borrowed 2 of my 'toys'

(60 Posts)
MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 11:09:04

Last night, after my 13 year had gone upstairs to bed, I realised that 2 of my adult toys were missing from the drawer in my bedside table. She replaced them this morning before school and I said to her as she left for the bus that we needed to have a chat after school. At first she acted innocent and said why? I said she knew why and she said a guilty oh!!!

I really don't know how to deal with this. She's only just 13 and I think too young for any of this

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Any suggestions for how I deal with her tonight? Angry? Disappointed? Upset? Do I punish her for taking something from my room (without asking?!!!)

Any help today would be great. Thanks

MrsMongoose Fri 19-Jul-13 00:48:18

I bought my first vibrator at 13. She knows exactly what they are, and will have been using them. Sorry op. This is an issue of her respecting your privacy. Please don't make her feel guilty for masturbating.

OhMerGerd Thu 18-Jul-13 22:37:08

13 year olds are curious- normal
Hormones, horniness and experiments - normal
They 'borrow' their mums stuff without asking - normal
Their mothers keep their sex toys in accessible places and expect a curious hormonal horny experimenting borrower not to be curious or borrow to experiment - not normal.

ubik Thu 18-Jul-13 21:48:13

Christ

Yep I think locks on drawers/doors are the way to go. I remember going through my mums things and later taking makeup, tops, cardigans.

You need to lay some ground rules now. She knows what she took is a very intimate item and obviously is testing you in some way.

As for buying your 13-year-

DocMarten Thu 18-Jul-13 21:24:29

Because they all talk about that sort of thing at school. I remember going to a friends house and we were laughing our heads off at something similar in her mums bedroom. Obv there were no mobie phones back in the day, but I remember very well the convo at school after and what other mums and dads had hidden up.

You may not like that idea but I reckon she prob found it before and discussions have been had. she was dared to take a pic and send it or somesuch.

Not nice to hear, but think that is nearer the truth, which she would never tell you anyway. she did say it was a dare.....

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 20:51:24

Docmartin - why do you think that a 13 yo would do this kind of thing? Certainly not mine!!!!

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 20:50:20

I didn't interrogate her. All day I tried to imagine the conversation we were going to have. Never once did I think that she would try to lie her way out of it!

I had thought about how I would handle what to me seemed like 2 different issues. Firstly she had been into my room and taken something that didn't belong to her and secondly what she had actually taken. Both things needed dealing with in a different way. I was cross that she'd taken something for which I intended to punish her and I wanted to discuss what she'd actually taken and why, in a calm and understanding manner.

She then changed the situation by lying to me and I didn't know quite how to handle this as I had at all expected it. All I could do was add this to the situation I found myself in and deal with it. I do not tolerate my children lying, especially when it wasn't necessary. I am an approachable Mum who I know both my DDs can turn to for advice and support so to discuss sex, puberty, etc is not an issue in our house. I am open and honest with them.

I didn't deliberate put her in an embarassing situation and it wasn't me who involved her friends in this, she did. I had no intention of contacting the Mum but I wanted her to realise that if she did something wrong she had to take responsibility for it. It worked and she owned up. We had a very emotional conversation and we are now friends instead of me being cross at her for lying and being unable to discuss what happened because of the unsolved lie

SoupDragon Thu 18-Jul-13 20:47:05

She had a conversation where the DD lied.

There was, it appears, no "interrogation", that's just inflating things.

Er... really.

DocMarten Thu 18-Jul-13 20:40:50

I expect the dd and friend were all sneaking into their parents bedrooms and taking pics of their(parents) toys and sending them to eachother for laughs. Bet that is more like it.

Yes, I think I'd recommend admitting that I didn't phone friend, but I just wanted to talk it over (and find out the truth)

HotCrossPun Thu 18-Jul-13 19:15:56

She had a conversation with her where her daughter admitted to taking the toys - which is what the OP said was what she was annoyed about.

She didn't believe her so she went away and made the girl think that she was phoning her friends mum. Can you think of anything more embarrassing as a 13 year old than your friends talking about you taking a sex toy?

I just think it's a bit cruel.

SoupDragon Thu 18-Jul-13 19:01:22

You interrogated her until she was embarrassed and burst into tears.

No she didn't confused there seems to have been a conversation in which the DD lied, 10 minutes whilst the OP caught her out in the lie, a confession and then a discussion. No interrogation.

Well, in my opinion it could have gone worse !

HotCrossPun Thu 18-Jul-13 18:34:48

You interrogated her until she was embarrassed and burst into tears.

If your issue was not her masturbating but her taking your things - she'd already admitted that. Why then use 'tactics' to get her to confess about something she was clearly embarrassed by?

Glad the talk has gone so well Peanut smile

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 17:52:44

Just to update! After waiting 10 mins or so, I returned to her. Having thought I had contacted her friend's Mum, she immediately burst into tears and admitted taking them and that she'd lied about the dare because she was embarassed

She doesn't know why she took them and didn't use them. We then had a long conversation about taking things from my room. How I'm disappointed with her and expected better than this. We also discussed masturbation and that it is natural although I could see from her reaction that she felt uncomfortable talking about it.

She knows what she did was wrong and has apologised. I think it'll be a while before she does it again and definitely won't be taking any of my toys.

I trust her and won't be putting a lock on my door or drawer.

As for being childish, this is probably one of the most grown up conversations I've had with my DD and it only came about because I had to fool her into thinking I was calling a friend. I hardly think this is childish, just tactics!!

LazyMonkeyButler Thu 18-Jul-13 17:37:56

What was the dare exactly? It's quite possible at 13, but are you sure the "dare" didn't include photographic evidence of some sort? It would be a bit of a pointless thing to just dare a friend to borrow a dildo - how would the friend know whether your DD had gone through with taking it or not?

Or your DD could be telling fibs of course.

I think you should go quite gently, otherwise it could come across as being cross with her about her sexuality/ experimentation

Just say, if that's how you feel, that you'd rather she didn't go through your things without asking.

What on earth???!!?? Having fake conversations to trick your dd?

Sit her down, tell her that your toys are private and not to come into your room without asking again. Tell her if she wants to experiment you will buy her a vibrator of her own but she shouldn't touch or use yours as there are health implications to sharing.

I can virtually guarantee she will say no but stop behaving in such a childish way, this is the time for an adult chat.

Marzipanface Thu 18-Jul-13 17:13:53

She's prob really embarrased. Just tell not to touch your stuff and leave it at that.

HotCrossPun Thu 18-Jul-13 16:48:29

You are behaving being quite childish OP.

Why are you hiding in another room having an imaginary conversation? Sit down and talk to your daughter.

It's far more likely that as a 13 year old that she was taking it as a dare from a friend, as opposed to bothering her mothers sex toy for a night of masturbation.

Grow up.

If she isn't backing down, then surely it is entirely possible that it was a dare. But was she being dared to take them or use them?
She does have to understand about not taking things without asking first (not that I think she should be asking to borrow your vibe!)
I did used to use my mothers vibrator from around 13, not sonething that I am proud of but if I had've felt able to ask for my own then I would have asked and with my own, felt no need to borrow my mothers.
I also used to raid my dads porn collection.

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 16:35:06

Oh and my day just gets better and better. I have started the dreaded conversation with my DD and she's now said that it was a dare from a friend of hers. I have told her I don't believe a word of it, but she swears blind she's telling the truth.

I'm now in another room pretending to contact this friend's Mum about inappropriate conversations her DD is having with mine. Obviously I'm not actually doing anything of the sort, I'm just trying to call her bluff hoping that she'll admit it was a lie!!!!

Help!!!!

Marzipanface Thu 18-Jul-13 16:33:25

I would focus on going in your room and taking stuff, not on what she took. You don't want her to be embarrassed.

5madthings Thu 18-Jul-13 15:49:06

backto makes a good point about reliance on vibrators. She needs to explore herself and get to know her own anatomy etc. It would be worth mentioning this to her, reassure her its normal and natural etc. And you could explainthat lwgally she isnt old enough for a sex toy and explaon the downsides re becoming reluant om them. i realy think openness is the best policy here. But i dont think there is anything intrinsically wrong with a teen experimenting in this way or wanting a sex toy of the basic bullet variety.

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