Smoking

[susiewong123]

Just found out DS is smoking he is only 16 really need to end this but how - any advice greatly appreciated.

[HeySoulSister]

Well I guess you can't

He knows the dangers... How does he fund it?

[specialsubject]

cut off the finance.

tell him that he DOES not smoke in your house - stink and fire risk. He also does not smoke within fifty metres of the house to avoid the 'magic curtain' concept that smokers have.

make sure he knows the issues. Oh, and stop doing his washing too, why should you deal with reeking clothes?

[FernieB]

Agree that you should stop washing his clothes. Also start backing away to escape his stinky breath. Stop his finances - if he wants to buy cigarettes he'll have to fund it himself. Ban cigarettes from the house - if you find any, soak them then stick them in the bin. He may be wanting driving lessons soon - say he can't have them while he smokes and refuse to allow him in the car if he reeks of smoke. Basically, get tough!

[mrscumberbatch]

No money and he can't smoke. Easy done. He might be able to cadge some cigarettes from mates but they're not likely to give him enough to maintain a habit. He'll get embarrassed about asking them or they'll refuse and that will be the end of that!

[livinginwonderland]

You can't really stop him. Yes, you can stop his finances and refuse to wash his clothes or whatever, but if he wants to smoke, he will. If he gets a job, you can't control what he spends his money on, and believe me, his friends will support the habit. As a teenager, I had friends who smoked and plenty of them supported other friends who didn't have the money to buy their own.

[flow4]

You can try all those things, but be warned they may not work.

My DS was 13 when I discovered he was smoking. I cut off money, confiscated any tobacco I found, stopped doing his washing and cleaning his room, threw his friends out if I caught anyone smoking, and generally did everything I could think of. Also, significantly, I immediately gave up smoking myself, because I discovered to my horror that his main source of tobacco had been me. :(

His reaction was to fight me, and smoke in every way he could. He scrounged, borrowed, diverted dinner money, swapped and sold things, and stole. His circle of friends certainly supported each other, and in a group of 6 or so, someone always had the £3-4 needed to buy some tobacco for everyone. He started smoking in the house, when I was out and then when I was in bed, as an open act of rebellion. He smoked on the school bus (which was where he'd been given his first smoke) and at school, earning himself detentions and exclusions.

With hindsight, I definitely under-estimated the power of his addiction. That was ironic, and stupid of me, given that I had tried and failed to give up smoking twice before myself, so knew first-hand how hard it is. Imo, unless you have caught your DS early, before he is addicted (which seems unlikely, given his age) there is absolutely no way you can make him give up. He's an addict: he needs to want to stop, or he won't.

Incidentally, I also suspect that having a year-long battle with my DS over tobacco set the tone (so to speak) for a further 3 or 4 years of rebellion. Driven by his addiction and need to get a smoke, he got used to deceiving me, lying, sneaking about, trying to fool me, arguing, breaking rules, and feeling agitated and desperate... And then these habits spread to other areas of his behaviour and life... :(

Five years on, I still don't smoke. But DS does - despite all my punishments and disapproval. If I had that time again, I'd take a different approach, and try to motivate him to give up, probably using bribery, plus arguments about personal hygene and girls... Then I'd support him through a structured process of 'giving up' that he'd chosen himself, just as I did for myself.

Good luck susie. It's a difficult one.

[amumthatcares]

Even though we suspected it, DD finally admitted to us just before her 18th birthday, that she smoked. Of course we voiced all the usual reasons why she shouldn't do it and I worry about the long term health implications but we couldn't actually stop her. One thing she said to me that did hit home though, was: Mum, if you only knew what a lot of other kids take/get up to, you would be glad I only smoked In an ideal world I would love her not to smoke but what she said was true and in that respect I am thankful its not worse.

[knittedslippersx3]

You can't stop him.

I'm the biggest anti-smoker I know and dd smokes and has done since she was 13, she's now 17. I've tried it all, punishment, no money, bribery, showing her the damage it will do. Nothing worked. I was and still am really devastated.

I now just bury my head in the sand and pretend she doesn't smoke because that's the only way I can deal with it. I did make her wash her own clothes when I found out.

[specialsubject]

with the best will in the world, if you've got a slightly dumb kid there's not much you can do if he is determined to use the coffin nails.

give him the information, make it clear that being disgusting is not welcome in your house, stop washing reeking clothes and cut off finance. Beyond that - it's his funeral.

I like the idea of soaking any stinky sticks that you find. And the 'I'm less of a little shit than the others' is an hilarious argument.

[amumthatcares]

special glad your amused

[specialsubject]

sorry. Couldn't find the sarcasm icon.

[amumthatcares]

Me neither - I don't consider my daughter to be a 'little shit' in any way, shape or form.

[watchingout]

Just found this thread when hunting for advice. My DS 16 has just asked for time to talk. And told me he tried smoking and liked it Really surprised at him as he always nagged XH and delighted in dobbing his older sister (who assures me she doesn't smoke anymore)

I can't stop his funds as he has his own weekend job ( where I fear is where he tried it). So I guess I'm down to banning it from the house and surroundings, refusing his washing (he generally does his own) and expressing my disgust at stinky breath. Never smelt it on either child so I guess rollies aren't as smelly.

He has taken to "walking the dog" so at least he (and the dog) are getting some exercise

Any further tips from those that have been there? So disappointed

[MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday]

My DS1 started at 14..and despite all my efforts to prevent him he continued, tho never near the house. Once he was 16 and in a part time job there was nothing I could do. As an ex smoker (long time ago) myself I KNOW how hard it is to give up and also how stupid it is, but he wouldn't listen.

BUT he has just given up. He's 20 and gave up 3 months ago. The reason?
Yup... girlfriend won't let him within a mile of her if he's had a smoke. I love that girl!!!! As a secondary result he is gradually associating less with his old 'smoking crowd' and more with non smokers.

Hopefully he has quit early enough not to have any lasting damage!

[lj123]

I wish someone had been tough in me when I started smoking!
Took my first puff at 12-13 and I'm now 23 wishing I never did it, my mum smoked throughout pregnancy with me and still smokes now 4 children later, I've always been around smoking and it's soooo difficult to give up!
Now I live on my own and smoking is just routine, catch it quick I regret it.

[garwrex]

So? He's capable of making up his own mind now.

Also, don't nag him about it. You will simultaneously be making him stressed and reminding him of the fact that he smokes at the same time. Hence, the first thing he'll think of after being nagged about smoking is to go out for a sly one.

And yes, this is nothing compared to a lot of kids these days. He'll decide if he wants to give up; I'm afraid you don't have much choice in the matter, so concentrate on being the best a parent you can in other ways.