So I know she is lying, what now.

[Madamecastafiore]

Found a towel in DDs laundry basket that is covered on urine.

It is yellow and stinks (is a white towel).

She said she found it wet like that in her bathroom yesterday!

It is not her or so she says,I told her it wasn't me. DH says it wasn't him so it must be DS. I told her he would be punished when he got on for going into her room and pissing on her belongings. She said not to do that as it was not him!!!

What now? Do we have someone who breaks in and pisses over things? Am I imagining it?

Dd has firm for lying about personal hygiene issues and for being a dirty little scrote!!

[combinearvester]

How old is she? I only ask because a, er, friend of mine once sneaked her boyfriend into her room for the night. He was forced to wee in the sink as he was too scared to go to the bathroom in case he ran into her parents . Lucky I my friend had a sink in her bedroom.

Other (probably more likely) option - she got drunk and caught short, thought a towel would be easiest weeing option (as opposed to the more frequent teenage boy option of a wardrobe/pot plant

[Madamecastafiore]

Just turned 13 so am praying neither of those options!!

She has her own bathroom so no reason not to use it.

There is no way it could be someone else. It must be her but if she won't admit it what do I do?

[neolara]

Why would she wee on a towel? Sounds very odd.

[combinearvester]

I'm wondering if you should use a more gentle approach, maybe try to find out why she would do this. For example you could say you accept she is saying it is not her, but you are wondering how it happened, and sometimes people might feel embarrassed to talk about it, but you are here if there's anything that's making her feel worried. Teenagers especially early teens can do some grim personal hygiene things but if it is becoming a pattern with her...obviously she may not know why she is doing it. Is there anything going on in her life which may be causing her anxiety?

[ChippingInWiredOnCoffee]

I don't know what you can do, other than talk to her .

[Madamecastafiore]

I know.

Have asked her if accidentally dropped in toilet.

If she had accident and it was only thing to hand to clear up, just says no, she doesn't know what happened to make it wet or smelly.

Don't know is her stock answer when it comes to anything she is guilty of but doesn't want to own up.

I have told her that I will be crosser with the lying than the actual act itself.

What now?

[Madamecastafiore]

Being cross or being kind makes no difference.

She doesn't know who did it or how it happened???

Nothing out of ordinary for her to be stressed about. We are very open and she has every opportunity to bring things up with us.

[combinearvester]

It could be a symptom of anxiety, a way of regaining control, or just poor impulse control...I take it she doesn't have ADHD / ASD?

[lastnightidreamt]

Could she have done it in her sleep?

I caught DS (admittedly only 5) weeing in his wardrobe the other night - he had no recollection of it in the morning.

[Madamecastafiore]

No. No issues with urinating before and no ADHD or anything else.

Normal teen. Just disgusting personal hygiene.

[Jojay]

Does she wet the bed? Would she be putting towels down to catch it? I remember doing that as a child, albeit at a younger age than your DD.

[Madamecastafiore]

How would you wee on a towel without getting it anywhere else though in your sleep?

[Madamecastafiore]

No wet beds since potty training finished.

Is a small towel so not one I would think you would put in your bed if you were worried about wetting the bed.

[lastnightidreamt]

Hmm I hadn't considered the logistics!

No answer to that one.

Unless she weed on the floor in the night and used it to clean up. Now she's too embarrassed to tell you.

[EuphemiaLennox]

Is her personal hygiene generally an issue?

If not this seems like a weird embarrassing mishap that she doesn't want to talk about, and I'd let it go rather than pressurise her into explaining it.

The 'lying' is normal behaviour when you want to avoid discussing something that feels shameful.

Of its part of a wider hygiene issue you need to think more broadly about how to address that.

[Madamecastafiore]

So do I leave it?

Just wash towel and ignore?

[Madamecastafiore]

She lies about showering, cleaning her teeth, brushing her hair, using deodorant.

She would rather not wash and cover herself in cheap shite body spray. It is laziness.

I just can't abide the filth.

Why would you wee on a towel?

[combinearvester]

They are weird at that age. Honestly do a quick MN search for unhygienic teenagers, you are not the only one. If you are sure there is nothing else going on, then make it a condition that she has to do her own laundry or she can't do X, i.e. she has to clear up after herself. Maybe the attraction of pissing on a towel will be lost if she has to sort it herself.

Again I would go back to basics and do reward/losing privileges for personal hygiene. But don't make it a drama, try to shame her into doing it, etc. etc.. Just if you don't do X then Y will or will not happen. End of. Don't call her disgusting/filthy etc however much it winds you up. PS she will grow out of it.

[EuphemiaLennox]

I don't know why you'd wee on a towel, but I can imagine you wouldn't want to discuss it.

Yes I'd wash and ignore and think about how to address her wider, but normal, lazy hygiene issues.

I'd probably sit her down tomorrow, NOT mention the towel, but explain that she has to start taking responsibility for her hygiene, and that you've not been happy as you can tell she hasn't been and you know she lies about it.

Tell her that until she demonstrates that she can take responsibility you will have to personally monitor her showering and brushing her teeth every day. Do this for a while, she'll HATE it with you standing there saying 'have you washed your hair yet??!?!'

After a week or so give her another go to be independent with this, but be very clear about what she needs to do. Eg shower every morning? Wash hair twice a week? Brush teeth morning and night? And if you think she's not doing it, you'll go back to personally monitoring it.

Anyway, very soon she'll probably become obsessed with personal grooming and you'll have new problems.

[Madamecastafiore]

Have told her handle is coming off bathroom door and I will be monitoring her washing habits as she will have to use my bathroom.

WTF is going on though? I have always let then tell me anything. I give them everything in reason. Am understanding, fun, kind, generous. Support their hobbies and homework etc.

This is making me feel like a bloody failure. I always thought I was making a good bash at being a mum the kids could come to or tell anything to. I didn't want to be unapproachable like my patents!!!

[EuphemiaLennox]

Honestly she's in a grim lazy filth stage. It's early teenage hood. Your job is to nag her and try to install some good habits, even when she doesn't want to.

Don't get hung up on the lying.

There's a ridiculous falsehood we tell children about 'never lying to us.' of course they'll lie, like you lie and I lie occasionally, when I want to avoid something, get out of an awkward situation, to save someone feelings, becuase I can't be arsed with the difficult conversation right now, becuase I think it's none of thier business, or because the embarrassment or shame is too much.

That's normal, we'd be better off admitting this instead of pretending it's not and instead explain the important things you shouldn't lie about and judging situations when telling the truth is important and necessary for relationships.

I'm sure you're doing a fine job as a parent you just have a normal lying dirty scrote of a teenager to deal with.

Good plans for attacking hygiene issue BTW.

[QOD]

Ah my dd was a right skank at 12/13 really. I started a thread!
14 now and although I still call her "Sue Heck" as her hair needs brushing quite often, she's all shiney and SELF aware of when she needs to deskank

IT DOES GET BETTER!!! I promise

[Madamecastafiore]

Thank EL.

Am
Bit hormonal and going through horrendous time at work.

You would think a 13 year old would try to empathise and make life easier!!!

I understand what you are saying. Rose tinted specs have been stomped on in relation to DD today!!

[Madamecastafiore]

Thanks QOD.

Pissing on a towel though?

[gaggiagirl]

I would wash the towel and not mention it.
She may have a UTI and got caught short or just got caught short and mopped it up with a towel she's probably really embarrassed about it.
I weed on my bedroom floor when I was 15 cos I had a UTI and couldn't control the wee! I could have died of shame.