Difficult Prom situation for dd...

(67 Posts)
emsiewill Sun 16-Jun-13 17:07:48

Sorry if this rambles on a bit, I will try and keep it concise, but need to try and give some back story and get feedback on how to deal with a situation that dd is in, and I have been dragged into...

Dd1's group of friends took another girl in the same year (let's call her Jane) under their wing about 18 months ago when she was subjected to some horrible bullying by some of the other girls in the year. I was very proud of dd and her friends for doing this.

Over time, dd has mentioned that Jane is very socially awkward, and that she sort of "hangs round" with the group but very very rarely actually speaks to them, or joins in the conversation. They do include her, but she just doesn't say much. When she does say anything, it's a bit random, and often blowing her own trumpet about how good she is at X or Y. The whole situation is awkward, but they are mainly nice girls so have just accepted her and got on with it.

However, Prom is just round the corner, and dd1's friends and wider group of friends have, for a long time, agreed that they would go to one particular girl's house to get ready, and then get a limo from there. They stupidly left the limo organising to someone who isn't very organised, and it has fallen through. Luckily, the same girl's mum is a bus driver with her own minibus and they are going in this.

All of this has apparently been discussed in front of Jane, but she has never joined in the conversation, or asked whether there is room for her in the minibus. Dd1 & her close group of friends have always assumed that Jane was included in the plans, but the wider group apparently don't like Jane and don't want her there, and have given away the last seat in the minibus to someone else, because "she actually asked us if there was room and Jane didn't ask".

All of this has left dd and her smaller group of friends in a very difficult position. Jane keeps asking them what's happening, and they don't want to hurt her, so were looking into organising some other kind of car from the house for the 4 of them (including Jane) so that they could still all get ready together, but Jane wouldn't be left out of the transport.

However, the girl whose house it is has said she doesn't want Jane getting ready there. I am good friends with this girl's mum, and have said I will talk to her about this to see if she can tell her dd not to be so childish, (I know she would be mortified to think someone will be left out and upset), but dd is not happy for me to do this, as she says everyone will hate her if I do. I said surely if Jane just came along then no-one would actively turn her away, but she says she doesn't feel she can invite her to someone else's house without clearing it with that person first.

All of this seems to me to be incredibly childish, petty and bitchy, which I have said to dd, but she really feels torn between not wanting to leave Jane out and not having to change her plans for the Prom and miss out on being with her friends (friends from primary school) for the sake of keeping 1 girl happy who she isn't particularly close to. I can see both sides, and don't want dd to end up having her night spoilt.

To add to the difficulty, I have had an email from Jane's mum (who I am friendly with as Jane is also good friends with dd2, through their singing group) asking if I know what's going on. She has, of course, been very worried about her dd over the past year or so, and has been grateful for my dd and her friends' "reaching out" to Jane. I don't want to have to tell her that Jane has been left out of the plans, but, again, I do really feel strongly that my dd shouldn't have to change all her plans and have her night spoilt just because she is the only caring one in her group of friends.

So (finally!), my question is, what on earth do we do?

Chottie Sat 29-Jun-13 06:35:52

I just love a happy ending smile your DD and her friends will never forget their prom for all the right reasons.

emsiewill Fri 28-Jun-13 23:21:17

I wish I could post a pic so you could all see how beautiful dd & her friends looked, but I guess it would out us, so you'll just have to take my word for it!

Chottie Fri 28-Jun-13 21:37:51

I'm new to this thread, but have just read it through. I am so glad everyone enjoyed their Prom. Your DD sound a lovely, caring young woman and a credit to you.

Kleinzeit Fri 28-Jun-13 18:11:05

I'm glad it turned out well.

SuperiorCat Fri 28-Jun-13 17:59:43

Excellent, thanks for the update - so glad your DD and Jane had a great time.

PollyLogos Fri 28-Jun-13 16:12:45

So glad they all had a good time!

NewFairy Fri 28-Jun-13 15:54:04

Yay, so pleased it went so well x

bigTillyMint Fri 28-Jun-13 15:21:39

Sounds like it was fantastic! hope DD's goes so well in 2 yrs timesmile

emsiewill Fri 28-Jun-13 14:40:13

Well, dd is home and she had a fab time! The prom itself was great, the arrangements for the after-party all worked and Jane was slightly annoying but didn't hamper dd's evening.

Dd now has her first ever hangover! My friend (where she slept) says that dd was a star and very amusing. There were 10 of them sleeping at the house, but luckily none of them were sick or so drunk they were unable to function.

Not particularly keen on dd drinking again any time soon, as she is still only 16, but seems to have all gone as smoothly as we could have hoped, and to plan.

Thanks all for your interest and support thanks

emsiewill Thu 27-Jun-13 22:52:26

Palika not sure if you've read the whole thread, but the whole thing is resolved now (well, I guess the night is young!). I understand your point about being over involved but sometimes even 16 year olds need some help with difficult social situations (after all, I'm 43 and had to turn to MN for help).

I'm just glad she still feels she can come to me for help with things like this.

emsiewill Thu 27-Jun-13 22:49:32

Well here's a mid-evening update.

Little bit of stress over the final preparations...we were dd was running a little late, but all was well when we got to the pre-party which was absolutely packed with various parents, grandparents, siblings, aunties, uncles, cousins as well as the girls themselves.

They all looked so gorgeous and grown up - most of them have been friends with dd since reception. I can't understand where the time's gone!

So they went off in their minibus, which did, after all, only have 11 seats and the rest of the night is now in the lap of the gods...

Just had a text from dd saying the evening is "amazing", she has danced and is "not drunk yet". They are now on their way to the after-party.

Palika Thu 27-Jun-13 21:53:45

Sorry, if I am totally out of sync with the rest of posts but shouldn't those girls figure something out themselves? Isn't growing up to become able to solve your own problems?
Could it be that you are bit over-involved?

PollyLogos Thu 27-Jun-13 17:59:02

I hope your DD has a wonderful time, she sounds like a great girl!

I also hope all the others do too, especially Jane and that this is the beginning of her finding her way in social situations.

MurielHeslopp Thu 27-Jun-13 17:40:14

Gooodness, I have this all to come 3 times with my 3 girls. confused

Yes, please update. Your DD sounds lovely and I hope all the girls will have/ are having a great time. smile

NewFairy Thu 27-Jun-13 17:23:48

Hope they have a lovely time x

bigTillyMint Thu 27-Jun-13 13:45:36

Ooh yes, update please! (lurker alert!)

SuperiorCat Thu 27-Jun-13 13:35:30

I'm interested smile

Well done emsie on treading a difficult path trying to be the nice person but also (rightly) putting your DD first.

I hope your DD has a lovely prom.

emsiewill Thu 27-Jun-13 10:47:31

Just a quick update. Prom is tonight.

Jane is now meeting the girls there (her choice, not quite sure of the thinking behind this, but have kept out of it really) & is going to the after-party with them and back to pre-party girl's house where they are all sleeping (after many changes of plan).

Dd still feels a bit like she is going to be the one lumbered with Jane, but I think the excitement of the event is taking over - dd has had her spray tan, and is having her hair, makeup and nails done this afternoon.

I will update (if anyone's interested) tomorrow, or over the weekend, after the event, but we are all feeling a bit less stressed about the whole thing.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Tue 18-Jun-13 17:20:21

Phew, sounds like you have it sorted!!

In my experience, it's amazing how complicated teen stuff can get but how it can all just resolve itself just as quickly.

Sounds like you have the right balance of involvement vs letting it take it's own course.

SuperiorCat Tue 18-Jun-13 12:51:25

Thanks for coming back and updating. Hope your DD has an epic (or whatever the current teen vernacular equivalent is) time flowers

tiredaftertwo Tue 18-Jun-13 11:38:35

Well done! That sounds excellent. I think it is a lovely idea to get Jane's mum in for the drinks, as then she will clock the other parents and girls too, which may help her help Jane, quietly and behind the scenes, work these things out in future. I think they are stressful partly because all tied up with GCSE's, going to different schools, growing up etc - and they are bery "high key". And because there is just one prom - no choice of events - plenty of people are outside their comfort zone which at 16 may not bring out the best in everyone (although it sounds like it has done for your dd).

cq Tue 18-Jun-13 09:02:32

Well done Ems, sounds like you nearly have the perfect solution - most people will do the right thing when asked directly, they just don't think of it or are unaware of the situation.

I hope your lovely DD has a prom night to remember, and that proud mum enjoys it too! Do let us know how it all goes.

emsiewill Tue 18-Jun-13 08:47:53

Thought I would update you all.

Dd was in school yesterday for her last GCSE. As it was Maths, everyone was there, and I think it was really useful that all of the protagonists involved in this situation were able to talk to each other face to face; as they have had exams for the last few weeks and they are all doing different things, most communication about the Prom has been online / on the phone, which as we all know, can make things worse.

So Jane has told the group she doesn't mind not going in the minibus, she would just like to be at the pre-party, and her main thing is she doesn't want to arrive at the prom on her own. Her mum will take her from the pre-party to the prom at the same time as the minibus. Dh thinks that we should try and arrange some kind of alternative "nice" transport that a few of them could go in (so the group would be split between two vehicles, rather than Jane on her own), but dd fears she would be the only one who would agree to go with Jane, and then she would be missing out. I am split between the two, but at the end of the day, if Jane says she's happy, I don't see why dd should be pushed further into a situation she won't be happy with.

Jane has been invited to the "after-party" - the girl organising that specifically asked her along, so whether or not she wants to go, at least she has been invited.

As I have said before, we are good friends with the parents of the pre-party girl, and the idea was always that we (Dh & I) would go along and have drinks with the parents while the girls get ready and have photos etc. When I see the mother tonight, I will fill her in on the situation and see whether she would mind Jane's mum joining us for that before she takes Jane to the prom, or she (Jane's mum) will be left sitting outside in her car, which would be stupid. As a bonus, Jane's family are all into (& good at) photography, so it would be to everyone's advantage for her to be there to take the photos.

I am slightly bemused at how complicated this has become and how stressful we (dd & I) have found it all. Anyway, hopefully it's all sorted now & even better (from dd's point of view), she's finished her exams and it's party time from now until September!

Thanks all for your advice and kind comments. I am very proud of dd and how she has dealt with this & just hope now that they all have a good night...

Kleinzeit Mon 17-Jun-13 18:17:32

The trouble is that this isn’t just about being overlooked. The other girl has already told her friends that she doesn’t want Jane there no matter about the travel arrangements.

OP, are you still going to talk to the other girl’s mum? If so, then do it before Jane asks the other girl and gets told no! There’s no good outcome for Jane if the other girl’s mum talks to her daughter after she's said no. Or if not, you could let things take their course.

Altogether now “I’m not on my own – I’m with Muriel!” smile

AmbrosiaCreamedMice Mon 17-Jun-13 13:19:43

Talk to the mum of the mean girl.

I really want Jane to have a good time.

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