'Touching' at school

[TeenAndTween]

How much physical contact between boyfreind/girlfriend do you consider to be acceptable at school? Y9 if relevant. I'm not really in touch with other parents of similar age children and need some idea of what other parents think is OK.
Concerned vulnerable DD may be getting talked into stuff.

[Dooohhh]

Ds and his girlfriend kiss at school (or so I hear!!) at the end of the day, splitting up for different lessons ect and hugs - though I'm not completely comfortable with the kisses - but apparently everyone is doing it. I think because kids are seeing it as a kind of casual gesture now that it might be quite easy for your dd to get talked into stuff
best wished to you both

[Dooohhh]

Wishes not wished!

[Crumbledwalnuts]

Zero. The school shouldn't allow it in the school day.

[Bonsoir]

When I was at school far too much sexual activity went on during school hours. I wish it had been banned altogether.

[stealthsquiggle]

I know one school we have looked at has a "no public displays of affection" rule

[specialsubject]

I know they are teens but rapturous goodbyes for a separation of an hour really needs to be stopped by telling them how ridiculous it is.

also big red flag at 'being talked into stuff'. She needs to know that she does nothing physical that she doesn't want to, even if it is only hugs.

a 'no PDA' rule on the premises seems good.

[schoolchauffeur]

Both my teens at boarding schools where the rule is definitely no PDA- for older teens staff turn a blind eye to the fairly "intimate" dancing at the saturday socials. The odd hug in appropriate circumstances is left alone, but most staff will politely remind you not to hold hands when walking around etc and definitely no public snogging!

[StabInTheDark]

DDs tell me that there are couples at school who will happily 'snog' (hate that word!) in full view of everyone, up against a wall etc etc. Don't think the school has any particular rules but DDs say teachers will often pull them up in the corridors and tell them it's inappropriate. Interestingly, DDs say they are laughed at by most people for doing it and is therefore fairly uncommon!

I think I'd talk to DD and make sure she knows she doesn't have to do anything at all she's not comfortable with.

[TeenAndTween]

Thanks for views so far, any more would be great!

We have always talked with DD about not doing anything she is not comfortable with. But our concern is she might think she is happy with stuff we think is inappropriate (and from comments here others also think inappropriate). So we have spelled out our boundaries, but we were worrying we were being old fashioned and PFB. It seems not.

Concern being raised now, due to comments seen whilst monitoring facebook.

[Dooohhh]

Comments from your dd's school mates to her? Saying what?

[cory]

Slightly different view here: if I understand dc correctly, kissing and hand holding does go on in their secondary and doesn't seem something that people worry a lot about, though presumably they are still made to observe common manners and not absolutely gross other people out in the corridors (it is a school with quite good standards of behaviour, generally speaking). Otoh dc have never felt pressurised; there isn't a general expectation among their peers that this is something you have to do. Personally, for an NT child I wouldn't feel kissing was that inappropriate by the time you get to 14, as long as you respect yourself, each other and the people around you.

[flow4]

I'm surprised the school do allow it tbh. When my DS1 was in y7, he and a group of other children were 'caught' touching each other in school. It was treated as a major incident: in fact, staff responded so seriously, threatening police and using words like 'sexual harassment' to my son - who at 11 did not know what this meant at all - that he ran away from school. :(

Your DD (like my son) needs to understand that bodies are personal - that each individual gets to decide who can touch their body, and how, and when they want touching to stop. She needs to know she never has to let anyone touch her if she doesn't want them to, and that she should never touch anyone else without checking they want her to.

[cory]

Well, the school certainly shouldn't allow anything like sexual harrassment or touching somebody who doesn't want to. That should be made very clear to all concerned.

That is very different from two loved-up 14yos holding hands or kissing.

[flow4]

I dunno cory, I worry that younger teens (say 11-14) often just have a GF/BF because they think they should, not because they actually want one. From my 11yo son's pov, he was giving a hug to a girl he liked - just like other boys/girls in his class - and she hugged him back, but then complained. He didn't understand why she would have done it if she didn't want to... And it sounds like the OP is concerned her DD may also be doing things she doesn't quite like. By having a clear 'no touching' rule, schools can help teens avoid some of the peer pressure that can be so difficult for them...

[TeenAndTween]

I think flow4 is right, I would like a no touching rule, or at least a 'no touching other than you might usually do with your other friends'.
So I feel I am happy with holding hands, and general hugs, even a kiss on the cheek.
But I am not happy with kiss-on-the-lips, touching breasts over clothes etc.
Trouble is, boy is not NT and DDs background (adopted, eager to please) make us very twitchy. School are aware of our concerns but there doesn't seem to be much supervision. Maybe time to speak to school again ....

[bigTillyMint]

Definitely speak to the school. I agree, hand holding and even peck on the cheek is OK, but more than that is totally inappropriate for school.

If the boy is not NT, then he may need clearer guidance on this and you should flag up that the supervision is not enough.