Help: DH's response to DS's verbal abuse

(14 Posts)
peggyundercrackers Mon 24-Jun-13 16:18:07

i was never allowed to swear in the house, nor would I have because i wouldnt disrespect my parents like that but nor were any of my friends. the ones who did knew all about it though - one got an ashtray in the head and the other was battered with a brush handle (his mum had bad hands and couldnt hit him).

i know teenagers swear but that doesnt mean they should or that its OK to do so.

Take a big step backwards and a deep breath and let your DS sort his own shit out. You will feel better for it.

Cerisier Thu 20-Jun-13 07:33:22

Of course it is different if they are over 25- but I think the 16 to 25 year olds still have a lot of growing up to do in many cases and are vulnerable if abandoned.

Cerisier Thu 20-Jun-13 07:31:34

MuchBrighter I wonder about this too. I don't think any many of the people saying it have older teens.

MuchBrighterNow Thu 20-Jun-13 06:58:32

long time lurking

I'd take the shape up or ship out approach........ to both DS & DH. Let him know when he turns 18 he will be out the door unless his attitude changes.

I'm always curious when people say this. Would you really put your Ds out on the street homeless ?

Cerisier Thu 20-Jun-13 04:36:07

It sounds like your problem is with DH not DS but I don't think you shouting will achieve anything except aggravating the situation- calm is always the way to go with teens.

Lots of teenage boys are slow to get organised with paperwork and need chivvying. I agree with those saying he needs to actually do it all though, with you and DH helping him write e-mails if he asks.

What I can't understand is how a DH who isn't working isn't on the case helping DS get himself organised. Also why isn't he insisting on basic manners from DS?

spillows Tue 18-Jun-13 20:42:03

Rose I sympathise, being in the same situation myself.

In our case, DH has no idea of boundaries because he didn't have any when he was growing up. What was your DH's upbringing like? WHen DS is rude to me it is clear as day to me that he needs to be picked up on it but DH doesn't see it.

My approach may not appeal - I have basically learned to do it all myself without him. I find it easier, because if he does impose a punishment it's usually draconian and ridiculous, like the time he said he would send the guinea pigs away shock.

DS has called me fucking mental before, I made him apologise and became very forgetful with pudding for several days.

flow4 Tue 18-Jun-13 09:05:14

Rose, I do feel for you. You post here periodically, and your husband's lack of support has been a consistent theme. Tbh, it seems to me (now qsnd previously) that it is your biggest problem, and I wonder whether you should post in 'relationships' for advice...

A teenage boy who sees that his mum gets no back-up from dad, and little or no respect, is not going to show much respect himself. All teenagers push their luck, but your DS2 is not getting pulled up for it. Or rather, he is, by you; but you are then being undermined by his father, and he is left with very mixed messages.

There is also a very significant back story which you do not mention here. If I remember correctly, your DS1 had significant mental health problems, and DS2 was on the end of some violence that was serious enough for social services to be involved...? Am I remembering right?

I think it is extremely likely that DS2 has some unresolved issues and needs some support. Is he getting counselling or similar? You talk about him like an averagely rude teen, but tbh, if you are describing the worst of his behaviour here, then he is doing extraordinarily well, given his experiences, and you should recognise that. Please be careful not to scapegoat him, because although swearing at you is unacceptable, he has been through a lot, and some 'acting out' is to be expected.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but this seemed too important not to mention. If I'm right, you and your son need support. I hope you're both getting some.

ShabbyButNotChic Mon 17-Jun-13 16:03:57

While teens do swear, an i certainly did, there is a difference between swearing and swearing AT someone eg in our house a muttered 'fucks sake' when angry was acceptable, but if i had ever sworn directly at my parents i would have been in so much trouble, regardless of the actual 'level' of swearing. For example telling my mum to piss off would have been seen as bad as telling her 'go fuck yourself'. Thats the bit i dont like in your post op, the fact that he feels it appropriate to swear at and insult his mother.
We all swear like troopers in our family but i will always remember when my 18yr old, 6'5", rugby playing brother told my mum to 'piss off' in anger....my mum went insane! He was in so much trouble because it was so disrespectful and he was told in no uncertain terms that if you ever do that again you are out of this house. He never did it again.

monikar Tue 11-Jun-13 18:51:05

Teenagers do swear and I agree, it would be a good idea to speak to him about what you consider to be acceptable language and what you don't.

Good luck, teenagers are hard work.

monikar Tue 11-Jun-13 18:43:04

Rose I have a 17yo and I think you are doing too much for your DS in trying to organise his work experience. It is hard being the mum of a teen as we are used to doing everything for them when they are little, but as they get older it is important that they learn to take responsibility for things like work experience as otherwise they will never be able to cope as independent adults.

As suggested by TigOldBitties you could perhaps offer some help with wording a letter or proof reading it for him, but unless he 'owns' the process and does the hard work himself, then he will always feel he has someone to blame, and unfortunately that person will be you.

1. You're suspicions are correct, you are doing far too much. It's absolutely ridiculous that you are doing these things for him. Fair enough if he was doing it and wanted help with the wording of a letter but to do it fr him is absurd. If this is work experience in relation to college I'd contact them to say he's done nothing, if its to fill his summer I'd come down hard and get him to sort himself out. By all means shadow him and nag him, but don't actually do it for him.

2. I don't think it's that bad for a teen to say you're fucking mental, most teens swear including mine. In our house we, as in both parent and the children, have an agreement on what is and what isn't acceptable language and what the consequences are for breaching this.

3. It almost seems a bit late after 17 years to want your DH to change his approach, but all I can suggest is talk to him. Be brutally honest about your exhaustion and your feelings about his support, encourage him to do the ame. Truth is hard to hear but hopefully you can come up with solutions together.

LongTimeLurking Mon 10-Jun-13 20:33:14

Why are you arranging a 17 yrs work experience? He is old enough to sort it himself or deal with the consequences.

I'd take the shape up or ship out approach........ to both DS & DH. Let him know when he turns 18 he will be out the door unless his attitude changes.

RoseWei Sat 08-Jun-13 15:21:20

DS, 17, swears at me big way sometimes - today he told me I was 'f ... mental' - said the full word. This was because I was trying to help him with a work experience issue - basically he hasn't organised it and it's imminent and I got up early to make calls, write emails etc as he's doing nothing about it. My guess is that I do too much for him and he's angry with himself -

DH was there and said nothing. He never does. DS stormed off & DH just said to me 'You're shouting' - so a rebuke. Actually, I was very upset and I went up to DS and he did apologize. DH has been mute - he may have spoken to DS but is unrepentant over how he reacted. He is very, very slow to show me any back up at all over my kids' behaviour towards me. I did quite a big of flak from all of them - it can be very unpleasant. I know they love me but they think Im fair game.

All this I could handle if only DH worked with me to encourage better manners. He is very weak in this area. I said I'd leave - go away for a few days but the truth is that I can't afford to and I have no-one to go to for some sanctuary. I work f-t - and evenings - while DH struggles to get work so I am utterly exhausted.

DH is being very difficult - instead of quietly saying he's sorry that he mishandled things - he is starting to pin blame on me for eg 20 years' in a job he hates - nothing to do with me.

How do you handle a 17 year old who speaks like this - who vents his anger like this - and how do you handle a DH who does nothing about it?
Sorry for the length - I feel so empty and sad right now.

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