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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

16 yr old DS wants girlfriend to stay night in his bed

60 replies

Trinity50 · 11/05/2013 23:03

My ds is 16 (17 in September). We have a pretty good relationship and he is generally a fairly sensible, well behaved boy, and is doing well at school. He has been going out with his girlfriend for 6 months now and has just asked if she could stay the night in his room. The trouble is, she is only 15 (16 in October). We had a long chat and it turns out they are having a sexual relationship as i had suspected. She is on the pill and he uses condoms as well. Her mum is apparently quite happy for her to stay overnight. I am reluctant to let her stay in his room due to her age - it would look like I am condoning it, plus DS's younger sister is only 12. I am pleased he has felt able to talk to me about his relationship but I suppose my main concern is that his girlfriend is not 16. My dh has just said 'no' as she is under 16. DS had a very rare strop and just thinks we are out of touch with things as we are older parents. Probably a stupid question, but would the police ever prosecute a 16 year old for child abuse for having sex with a 15 year old?
Any advice is much appreciated!

OP posts:

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sashh · 12/05/2013 10:10

Not sure about prosecuting your son,technically yes, practically I doubt it. I think you could be prosecuted though.

October is not that far away, make him wait.

If it is just the legality and you are happy with the relationship then she could have his room, make him sleep on the sofa and ignore any doors opening in the night.

SgtTJCalhoun · 12/05/2013 10:12

No way. Not with her being underage.

TWinklyLittleStar · 12/05/2013 10:15

Yes he could be prosecuted, or at the very least if she or her mother reported him - and it happens! - he would be interviewed, almost certainly under arrest.

SirChenjin · 12/05/2013 10:15

Your house, your rules. I'm not sure the police would be interested, but I'm surprised that her parents are condoning underage sex. If you don't want it in your house, then no is a complete sentence (as they say here on MN!). It is not your responsibility to provide your teenage with a bed in which to shag.

Scruffey · 12/05/2013 10:16

I would tell him yes for October and until then, you could allow him to stay at her house.

Personally I would allow it now because I think he sounds sensible and it is an established relationship.

mum23girlys · 12/05/2013 10:17

I wouldn't allow it either as she is underage. Surprised at her mum tbh. Maybe I'm out if touch too but I've 3 girls and no way I'd allow them to stay at a boyfriends house. Glad they are taking sensible precautions and you've obviously raised a sensible boy but still my answer would be no.

Go with your gut instinct and don't be pressured into anything that makes you uneasy

Londonseye · 12/05/2013 10:19

I agree, I would say October would be fine, if you are fine with it then. It's lovely he can speak to you! October will seem so far away for him, but clearly they have been managing without sleeping over!

Bowlersarm · 12/05/2013 10:20

No I don't think he would be prosecuted although technically he could be. They are close in age and the police wouldn't waste their time over it.

I wouldn't allow it in my house though, she would be in a separate room. He will say to you that "you are so old fashioned" "everybody else is allowed to" etc, but that isn't the case. Very very few of my friends let their 16/17 year olds sleep knowingly with boyfriends/girlfriends.

alemci · 12/05/2013 10:26

I don't think you should allow it particularly with having younger children in the house. What is wrong with being old fashioned and having some morals.

SoupDragon · 12/05/2013 10:27

I also wouldn't allow it because she is underage.

LIZS · 12/05/2013 10:30

no. She's underage and I'm doubtful about whether her mum is really happy about it (do you know her ?). Your house and your rules .

Delayingtactic · 12/05/2013 10:32

I don't know. I would allow my dd (if i had one) at that age to sleep over at her bf house and my son to have his gf over if they were sensible and understood clearly the risks of unprotected sex.

I started dating my DH when I was 15 and he was 17. My mom marched me down to the GP and I was on the pill way before we actually started having sex. You know they are already having sex so I can't see the big deal about it.

I cannot imagine the police giving a crap about this but even if by some weird twist of fate everything goes tits up, she or her mother reports him, the police might question him but they would never have enough to go down the route of prosecution - they have much bigger fish to fry and a conviction would be hard to secure.

JeanPaget · 12/05/2013 10:39

I wouldn't allow it until October.

Personally (although obviously you're a much better judge of your son) I'd be a bit at his claim that his girlfriend's mum is fine with it, unless you've spoken to the mother yourself. If the mum really has no problem with it then why is your DS so keen for his girlfriend to come to yours, rather than just going over to her house?

chocoluvva · 12/05/2013 12:24

I'd speak to her mum about it.

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/05/2013 12:28

I would allow it when the girl is 16 and not a second before.
( have just waved goodbye to DS 16 yr old GF as she is off to watch DS play football with DH)
They have been dating for 9 months and no sex yet. I know this because DS over shares way too much

CarpeVinum · 12/05/2013 12:44

No.

My mum was very "modern" for the early/mid 80s.

Her policy was "well what can you do? You can't stop them!" and "I'd rather they were doing it in a safe place than in a car parked in a dogdy area"

I had my own qualms about how fast things were moving...but there didn't seem any back back if even my own mother thought that my being sexually active was no big deal to the point where she abdicated all responsibility.

I think an aditionally issue was that once she removed all and any attempt to provide a boundry in that arena I felt like the basis of the relationship had been redefined. So I started pushing in a wide variety of directions trying to find where my push would meet a solid wall of resistance. The pushing made our relationship very diffiuclt at a time when she could handle a downturn the least and ..she sort of just...gave up.

As an adult I have a far better understanding of what she was going through and how hard I was to handle once Pandora's box was open. At the time I wobbled between thinking she was a pretty cool mum all things considered and plunging into depression becuase ai needed an anchor, a wall of limits to cling to or blame for my own reticence....and On some level I felt she didn't love me enough to fight me to keep said defences in place.

So, for me no. Although I will do my best to review that and try not to make decisions based only on the filter of my own teenage years when I get to that point when DS is asking for the same dispensation.

Just don't know if I can get past my misgivings that it could be a huge mistake and be misinterptreted as being disinterested enough to care or a form of shoving the baby bird put the nest and saying "you want to fly, well fly then, on your own head be it".

I guess any one parental postion on this is going to coloured by their own experiences and the very individual nature of their own growing child's realtionship and maturity level.

CarpeVinum · 12/05/2013 12:45

edit

but there didn't seem any back way back

Kleinzeit · 12/05/2013 13:29

Speaking as an older parent myself?.. tell your DS that it?s only old hippies who let everyone sleep with everyone, and that times have changed since free love in the 1970s

specialsubject · 12/05/2013 13:32

the law is the law. Without losing a clearly good relationship between you and your son, condoning law-breaking sets a bad example.

good on them for the pill and the condoms, but until it is legal tell them 'not in this house'.

Ragwort · 12/05/2013 13:37

No I wouldn't allow it; even if they were both over 16 I wouldn't allow it. I just don't get why parents have to be so 'chummy' with their own children - I know young people are going to have sex but why should parents provide the bed? We all managed behind the bike sheds or wherever .

No wonder so many kids don't leave home these days, its all so comfortable.

My 'cool' friend was happy to allow her DD to bring a BF home, once she had agreed to one there was a never ending stream of different boyfriends - as she then said, she didn't want to have to face her DD's BF when she was in her dressing gown on a Sunday morning .

TSSDNCOP · 12/05/2013 13:37

I'm in the no camp.

If her mum's that ok with it he can stay at her house. But I bet she's not that cool actually.

My concern would be that it's all well and good at the moment, but if their relationship turns sour might they turn the tables on DS and use her age as a weapon? You never know how some people tick.

chocoluvva · 12/05/2013 13:38

I think I know what you mean Carpe. Although in the case of the OP's DS and his GF they're already sexually active, so she wouldn't be preventing them having sex at this tender age.

OP, is there any practical reason for your DS's GF to stay over at yours?

If you say no - and you would be completely entitled to for various reasons - what do you think will be the consequence? Would your DS end up spending more time at his GF's home instead? Would he stop telling you things? Will he express his annoyance at your 'unreasonableness' (as her perceives it) in a harmful way? Or would he just huff and puff and accept it?

BackforGood · 12/05/2013 13:54

No way (I have a 16 yr old ds too, although a school year older than yours). It's just condoning it.

middleeasternpromise · 12/05/2013 13:56

You dont sound like you feel comfortable with this idea OP so why would you consider it? If you fear your son will not maintain his steady path of progress and relationship with you then he isnt as level headed and sensible as you first thought.

The law is clear, and if her mother or father decided to report it then it will be followed up by the police. The pill and condom use doesnt prevent against unwanted pregnancy half as much as you think it will. Im assuming you will support both with an early child if that is the consequence of their relationship? If your answer is no then why are you supporting them in their sexual relationship?

Of course the world has changed and of course things are different but 16 year olds still dont earn enough money to support these adult choices otherwise he wouldnt be asking you if he can use his childhood bedroom in your house for his girlfriend to sleep over.

As you can guess Im not a supporter of the new thinking as I see too many lovely young people and their lovely parents stuck with situations no one really wants to take any responsibility for. I do believe the parenting job is to be the older, wiser and sometimes unpopular dispenser of boundary setting and good (maybe old fashioned) advice.

Wishwehadgoneabroad · 12/05/2013 14:01

Just posted this on another thread

My promise to my Kids: I am not your friend. I am your Mother. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare & hunt you down like a bloodhound when needed because I LOVE YOU! When you understand that, I will know you are a responsible adult.

Agree with Ragwort 'I just don't get why parents have to be so 'chummy' with their own children'

Indeed!

He's 16. He's a child. She's 15. Very much a child. Personally i'm not one for the legalities here. More just the moral message for me.

You're supposed to be the big bad mother here saying 'no' !

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