At wits end with 13yr old ds

[stuffedfull]

I just don't know what to do with him. He couldn't give a toss about his school work. He worked v hard to get in to a good secondary school but now seems to have given up, bottom set in everything, doesn't do his homework properly, have been asked to meet with him and head to try and put a rocket up his a@@@e but he's just not interested. Tried to check his homework tonight, he has done it quickly, it's shoddy and can't relay anything he has learnt. So depressing, I just don't know how to help him if he doesn't care .... Any tips clever mumsnetters?

[aftermay]

Argh, I had to check this wasn't an old post of mine! Minor change in DS by taking his PlayStation away. You spend years trying your utmost to practice Attachment Parenting and all those hippy niceties and then they become teenagers and you turn to punitive action. I'll watch the thread for ideas.

[stuffedfull]

Have taken his iPod away for rudeness, that said I am not sure that constant banning of stuff will bring anything positive, it just seems to push is further apart.

[aftermay]

I understand. We seem to constantly argue and negotiate. With us doing more of the giving in and him more of the taking. I'd like to wipe the slate clean and start afresh with regards to behaviour! I wonder if my scheming was as obvious to my mum as his is to us.

[BigBoobiedBertha]

I was wondering if anything has happened to bring about this change? Has he changed his friendship group and got in with the type of children who don't think school is 'cool'. They are supposed to turn towards their friends and away from their parents at this age, I think. (I don't know for sure, I have a 12yo in yr 8 so no expert.

Is he generally happy apart from not being bothered about school?

[aftermay]

Thanks, MM. I will admit I'm biased against Bidulph as he loves a good working mum bashing.

I don't Know about OP's son but there's no learning difficulties in mine. I had considered some sudden onset of something but narrowed it diwn to arsiness :) He finds some subjects more enjoyable than others. I think he's immature. E.g. he's forgetting to flush the loo - something he did with ease and relish as a 3 year old!

[aftermay]

BBB - we looked into that as well but he's got the same smallish group of friends. He is obsessed with his PlayStation, the only thing we can use with him.

OP, not hijacking, just seemed so relevant for my DS as well.

[JenaiMorris]

I hate to derail the thread (I clicked on it because I'm approaching my wits end too, although ds is only Y7) but I've never understood Bidulph to be critical of WOHPs. I think he's worth looking at.

I'm thinking of taking away the Xbox but am worried it will be counterproductive - that kind of thing would have pushed me further into rebellion mode when I was 13.

[lljkk]

Arsiness about sums it up.

[stuffedfull]

Hi all, thanks for your comments. Re friends, he has a really lovely group of friends, mostly sporty but also hard working prize winners and most importantly sweet natured so def not in with wrong crowd. Maybe you are right am there is something else underlying it all .... Then add in a bit of teenage angst and it is v hard to help him. I'm not sure whether to get a bit of distance and give him breathing space or step up rules and become v strict until his priorities are right. I know no one has the answers just thinking out allowed, wil revisit biddulph. Thanks for support x

[flow4]

It sounds like the problems are mostly school-related, with some other issues arising because you're trying to back up school and/or enforce their expectations... Is that right?

If so, I'd put money on this being a problem related to your DS's 'learning styles'. Our secondary school system has very little to offer children who learn through doing, rather than sitting still and listening ('kinaesthetic', 'activist' or 'experiential' learners). The change from primary to secondary is especially hard for children whose natural learning style is active, and it's not uncommon for them to struggle and/or get turned off learning completely. It has nothing to do with cleverness, so bright kids who learn best this way often frustrate themselves and others around them, because no-one can quite understand why they've struggling. They often end up getting punished, when what they really need is strategies to deal with sitting still, and support to push school to get them more actively involved in their learning.

This is a big bug-bear of mine, and I have posted about it several times before, with practical suggestions as well as rants! I can't link from my phone, but if you do an advanced search for my name and the keywords 'active learner' or 'sitting still' you should be able to track down some of my previous posts, and might find them useful. :)

[aftermay]

Hi flow4 - in my DS's case problems are not just related to school and learning styles. Home too. As I mentioned above, not flushing the loo, what's that all about? Every 'request' I have for him is instinctively followed by a Kevinesque 'oh, muuuum' and much snorting.

[aftermay]

In fact I said I'd show him that TV programme do he can see he's but original.

[flow4]

I've shown it to my two boys too... :)

The 'oh muuum' and huffing stuff is perfectly normal. Not flushing, too. All annoying, but normal!

[Kaluki]

Is he struggling at school with the workload?
I worked hard to get into a grammar school. Once there though I struggled. I was in a class full of straight A students and I couldn't keep up. So I gave up, became rebellious and ended up in with the wrong crowd.
My Mum could have written your post about me.