Family holidays with teenagers

[dontagreewithit]

I would like to book our family holiday. Dh & dd1 (16) are very keen - it's a week in the French Alps in August, 5 star hotel, really good deal. We have never had a family holiday in the school summer holidays (tend to go Easter / May / October as it's cheaper).

Just been talking to dd2 about it, and she basically said that no matter what holiday we chose, she wouldn't want to come. She would rather go on holiday with her friends (she hasn't been offered a holiday with friends). She is like this at the moment - spending time with family is painful, she only wants to be with her friends.

My gut feeling is to book the holiday anyway, tell her it's hard luck and she'll have to lump it, and hope that once we're there she will actually enjoy it (even if she doesn't show that she is). But part of me feels that it's a lot of money to spend on a holiday where one of the travellers will make it clear she doesn't want to be there.

I don't really want the 3 of us to go without her - to my mind that is just encouraging the "moving away" from the family that she is doing.

So what would you do?

[dontagreewithit]

dd2 is 13, by the way, will be 14 by August.

[ssd]

what will she do if you leave her

[bigTillyMint]

She is only 13/14 - where would she stay if you went without her?

[dontagreewithit]

well if she didn't come with us, I would have to find somewhere for her to stay - friends or relatives, of course I wouldn't leave her on her own!

[AgentProvocateur]

At 13 (or 14 or 15) I would insist that she comes with you. Mine will be 17 and 18 this year, so they can choose whether to come with us or friends. (Unsurprisingly, they're coming with us, as we'll pay for them )

[dingit]

I'm not sure i would want to leave her at home. My dd is 14 so this will probably become a problem for us soon. Could she take a friend with you? Fwiw, mine loved the Austrian Alps, there was so much to do!

[Pagwatch]

IMO she sucks it up and comes on holiday.
At 15/16 we let ds1 chose and let him stay in England
Letting a 13 year old duck out would bother me tbh. I don't see it as a good idea.

[bevelino]

If I were you I would include her in the family holiday because at 13 your dd is too young to be deciding to opt out of parts of family life she is not keen on.

[dontagreewithit]

I feel the same as all of you, that she needs to do things with her family, no matter how boring and annoying we are...just needed to get some backup to my instincts really. Thanks.

[dontagreewithit]

Oh, and taking a friend would just make it less enjoyable for me tbh...looking after someone else's child does not make for a relaxing holiday in my books. Also, although it's a good deal, it is around £500 per person (which does include all meals) so not sure whether she would have any friends who would be able to afford that.

[dingit]

Oh, I need to read threads more carefully. I thought it was dd16 that didn't want to go. At 13 I'm afraid mine wouldn't have any choice. It's gutting though to spend that money only to have a sulky teenager with you. Can you look at the holiday together and find some trips/ activities to do together. Mine were drawn by whitewater rafting/ canoeing, summer tobogganing etc. If that's not her bag, shopping in a swanky French resort/ city?

[secretscwirrels]

I wouldn't even entertain the idea of her not going.
I would though make sure the type of holiday was what the teenagers wanted never mind the adults because I am soft.

[Lifeisontheup]

Sorry at 13-14 she has to come regardless. Unlikely she'll be offered a holiday with her friends anyway.
I wouldn't worry too much about the type of holiday, it's not like you're planning a retreat is it?

[dontagreewithit]

I did ask her what kind of holiday she would like, because I do accept that walking in the Alps isn't everyone's bag. She just said it wouldn't matter what the holiday was, she just wouldn't want to go on holiday with us.

Makes me really, but I try & tell myself it's just a phase.

It's a horrible choice to either not go at all, or go with a sulky teen who might cast a pall over the whole thing for the rest of us.

[specialsubject]

entitled brat - but you know that. Pity the old 'how dare you talk to me like that' has gone out of fashion.

give her a choice: PGL, on a tough mandatory activity holiday somewhere in the UK. Or go with you, and act like she is enjoying it. One or the other.

[webwiz]

We have some hilarious video of DD1 having a massive teenage strop in Universal Studios in Florida which she is mortified by now (she's 21) so even if they like your choice of holiday they can still be badly behaved!

At 13/14 they have to come and yes it is just a phase -we can't get the DC to stop coming with us now

[exexpat]

She's too young to go on holiday with her friends. Bringing one of hers with you might work (I've brought one of DS's friends with us before now, and it made the holidayuch less hard work for me as it meant he wasn't constantly bickering with DD) but not if you think it would be too expensive for any of them.
Otherwise, I'd say either she has to come with you - but she's likely to take it out onyou and make it miserable in the way only a stroppy teenager can - or you packher off to PGL or a boring week with relatives, away from her friends.

[dontagreewithit]

She loves PGL! Has been many times. But then dd1 would be missing out & she loves PGL too. So that wouldn't be much of a "punishment". To be fair I don't think she's being entitled, but the brat bit I would have to agree with at the moment.

[Pagwatch]

That's pretty sad tbh. I think that expecting her to be sulky doesn't really say great things about how she is behaving.
I really sympathise but I would sit down with her now and lay down some ground rules. Try to make sure you both get as much as possible and tell her that being a pain in the arse isn't an option.
At that age letting DS have times when he could duck out and watch shit tv or chat with mates via text etc was a good trade.

[Pagwatch]

I am not sure about 'entitled brat'

I think 'teenager trying it on a bit' is nearer the mark

[AnyFucker]

at 13, she doesn't get a choice

The End

and any sulking/sabotaging of the holiday would get very short shrift too

[Beamur]

There is no way at 13 either of my DSC's would have had the choice not to come on holiday with either of their parents and my DD won't get that choice either!
Just book the holiday and tell her she's coming. Totally agree with AnyFuckers approach.

[dontagreewithit]

Well all of our prevaricating (we have been dithering over whether we can actually afford it) has meant that the decision has been made for us. No more availability the week we wanted to go...

[dontagreewithit]

And yes, my instinct was to tell her she's coming & live with it. But just wanted to check whether I was being too harsh.

[Beamur]

I don't think you're being too harsh. I'd simply point out that she go on holiday with her friends in a few years time. We have taken DC's friends away for the odd weekend which was nice and they enjoyed it, but we're having the opposite problem really - we keep thinking our older kids won't want to come with us and they still do! They are 17 and 19...