16 year old daughter sexually active

(82 Posts)
counter Wed 20-Feb-13 20:32:20

I don't even know where to start! The last 3 weeks have been nightmare and I am seeking advice on how to proceed. 16 year old Daughter is a straight A student and we have never had any problems. Three weeks ago we found out she is sexually active with her 15 year old BF. She tells us it happened 3 times and always with a condom.

I feel so disappointed and ashamed of her and am trying to work past that. Aside from the obvious conversations about sex, emotions, conversations with BF parents...here are the restrictions we imposed:
-2 week no contact
-blocked him from her cell phone as we believed it was texting that led to this
-they could talk only on the home phone in shared rooms
-no unsupervised contact for a very long time
-Birth control

Over this 3 week time period she informed us that she was considering breaking up. Her monitored communications with her friends supported indicated she was being honest. We could only hope as we have never liked this kid.

A week ago I found out they had found away around texting by using an email account I did not know about. She was telling him she need her space. He was very aggressive in his responses. Eventually his messages turned very sexual. I mean offensively sexual! For the most part she was not replying the same way but not shutting him down either. However, things like if you dont...I need...I love you...someone else will...

Last night the messages became so offensive I wanted to vomit. She does not know I am monitoring her cell phone at this level. I feel like we have to step in and tell her either she ends the relationship or we will. Everything I read says you can't block her from seeing him or you will make it worse! However, she is very calm and I am not sure that would be her reaction. Just the fact that she stepped back to consider a breakup tells me she may actually welcome this action. I know I could be totally wrong on this though.

Her last communication of the night was that she had decided to stay together and apologized for making him go elsewhere for his touching needs. This is the part that I am most upset about. That she apologized for him cheating on her.

Do we talk to her in generalities hoping to help guide her to the right decision or do we step in and let her know we have seen the messages, tell her the relationship is over, contact his parents and share the emails and ask them to support our wishes? (which I believe they would do.)

I cant even come close to figuring out the right thing to do here.

lubeybooby Wed 20-Feb-13 20:35:34

Why are you ashamed of a 16 year old for having sex? wtf?

Why are you interfering in her life and controlling her so much?

She is 16. fgs.

The stuff with the messaging is bad but wouldn't it be better to support her and try and encourage her self esteem and healthy relationships than acting like a dictator?

Please don't tell her you've read her messages. It will damage your relationship, perhaps permanently. Ditto telling his parents. I get that the boy is only 15, but I think you're overreacting hugely (and, yes, I would say the same if the roles were reversed). Your daughter is 16, and old enough to leave home and get married. She's having protected sex. What is the big deal?

harbinger Wed 20-Feb-13 20:39:36

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

It's never nice when a parent discovers their child is sexually active(whether they are 16 or 26!), it's like when you used to think about your parents having sex (ick) but I really think you need to calm down. She sounds sensible, is 16, and has been using protection.

GrumpyKat Wed 20-Feb-13 20:41:44

Um. She's 16 and you don't have the right to dictate who she sleeps with/has a relationship with.
I think you need to start by evaluating why you feel it is necessary to control her. She's a young adult and you need to offer her support and acceptance, not anger and sanctions.
Carefully does it, your actions now will shape your relationship with your daughter for the rest of her adult life so don't push her away from you.

lauriedriver Wed 20-Feb-13 20:41:54

No good will ever come from snooping on your teenagers PRIVATE life. Like agent said she is old enough to leave home & old enough to have sex. You should be proud of the fact she's having safe sex

ThePathanKhansAmnesiac Wed 20-Feb-13 20:41:56

Counter, had you hoped she would discuss having a more involved relationship with you first?

I don,t understand why you are ashamed of her. She sounds like a resonsible young woman to me.
Please don,t make sex something dirty or shameful for her.

Are you religious? Because I can think of no other reason to react the way you have? confused She's done nothing wrong! She's even used condoms FFS, she sounds quite sensible actually. Jeez when I was 16 I'd moved out and was living with my boyfriend (now DH) and there was nothing my parents could do about it! Be careful, or you'll push her away completely.

Hattifattner Wed 20-Feb-13 20:43:29

WHile I get that you are upset, you've crossed the line.

Maybe your child is being controlled by this boy because she is so used to being controlled at home? Because you do sound very controlling.

Maybe what you need to do is build her self esteem a little and help her see that this boy is not the B-all and end-all. Help her understand that a healthy relationship is built on trust and mutual respect.

Start at home. STop monitoring her phone and reading her private correspondence.

ThePathanKhansAmnesiac Wed 20-Feb-13 20:44:51

As for her apologising to bf, maybe a talk about self esteem and sexual equality would be a good place to start.

Musomathsci Wed 20-Feb-13 20:45:00

If you tell her you have read all these messages, she is likely to take it pretty badly and be much more secretive in future. I would continue to talk to her in general terms, but do give her some time and space - let her know that you are there for her to talk when she wants to, but don't keep bringing it up, or you will drive her further away.

usualsuspect Wed 20-Feb-13 20:45:29

She is 16,stop bloody snooping in her private emails for a start.

ThePathanKhansAmnesiac Wed 20-Feb-13 20:45:55

Sorry xpost hatti.

I would try and get your daughter some help as she sounds like she is in an abusive relationship.

florry88 Wed 20-Feb-13 20:47:34

I understand sort of where you are coming from, but growing up is about making mistakes , thats how we learn.

I think you risk any relationship with your daugter if you tell her, she will work it out on her own , if he is no good.

I get it must be very difficult to see your daughter going through this but I firmly believe taking a step back is the way forward. many hugs

NicholasTeakozy Wed 20-Feb-13 20:48:25

The only thing your daughter has done wrong is agree to remain in a relationship with a boy who sounds fucking vile. She's 16 and therefore old enough. My DD2 had a bf who tried to keep her with vile messages, it was reading MN that helped me give her advice to keep him at bay, so thank you MN.

I suggest you talk to her about abusive relationships and don't be ashamed of her.

Umlauf Wed 20-Feb-13 20:49:50

Please please don't get involved. 16 is old enough to make her own sexual decisions. She has been honest with you and sensible with contraception. If you try to interfere in her relationship or if she finds out you've been reading her private messages she will feel so betrayed and hurt, and not necessarily safe in her own home. We she will feel betrayed by her boyfriend and her mother. What a horrible, sad thing for a 16 year old to go through.

Let her learn from her own experiences and mistakes as these are so valuable, and be there to support her when she needs it. Never suggest you are ashamed of her for having sex, punishing her for having safe consensual sex at a legal age... she might grow up with a distorted attitude to sex that will shape her whole life.

I know she's your daughter so your decision, but please be very careful.

WishIdbeenatigermum Wed 20-Feb-13 21:00:29

This is a salutary tale. My first reaction would have been the same OP, but in fact it's more important to keep the relationship between you two open. Having sex isn't the end of the world. Being in an abusive relationship and feeling you've disappointed your mum and can't confide in her is a bigger deal.
Be there for her. Don't judge.

perceptionreality Wed 20-Feb-13 21:08:41

I'm sorry to be blunt but your approach to this whole thing is damaging, OP. This is about your issues, if you're honest with yourself and you should not be putting them on your dd.

It is completely normal for a 16 year old to be having sex with her boyfriend and what you should be doing is supporting her and not invading her privacy as you are doing.

You don't like her boyfriend but it's tough - how long do you think you are going to be able to keep on dictating her life, seriously??

doyouwantfrieswiththat Wed 20-Feb-13 21:09:22

I think I would be pissed off that she is apologising to her boyfriend for 'making' him take his needs elsewhere. But he is an immature 15 yr old boy.

Probably best not to let her know the extent to which you've invaded her privacy but he does sound like a parent's nightmare. She sounds like she has a good relationship with you, she's practising safe sex. Perhaps just emphasise her grades, her aspirations, her self esteem so she gets her priorities right.

perceptionreality Wed 20-Feb-13 21:13:26

I feel sorry for the poor girl - she's getting bullied by you on one side and her boyfriend on the other. sad

harbinger Wed 20-Feb-13 21:21:53

You should have amnesia on anything that you have seen.

Be there with big hugs when they break up...... They will.

WhoWhatWhereWhen Wed 20-Feb-13 21:25:22

2 weeks no contact etc, etc, good job at driving them together

GettingObsessive Wed 20-Feb-13 21:39:12

Seriously OP you are going about this all wrong and you need to get a grip.

When my DM put two and two together and made nine "found out" I was sleeping with my boyfriend at 17, she cried for three days. It was all about her. She had me at 20 and has always made it clear she regretted it (and, by implication, resented me). Net result? I started lyingm to her. I also lost a lot of respect for her once I realised how easy it was to not get pregnant and pretty irritated that she thought I was as naive and stupid as she had been.

You will drive her away forever if you are not careful and if you tell her that you have read her messages and let her know how ashamed of her you are hmm she will exclude you from all sorts of aspects of her life.

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