16 year old birthday party

[meggiepie]

My soon to be 16 year old daughter wants to have a party for her birthday. She wants me to agree to her and 2 friends renting a city centre apartment for 2 nights so she can party party party! My answer was NO WAY!! This has now caused major tantrums with me being left feeling the worst mother in the country. She threatning to leave home on her birthday as I am the only mother in the world who spoils the fun!! I have tried telling her that its very unlikely to happen but she just wont listen to reason. She now locked herself in her room tonight having yet another major tantrum. Its worse than dealing with a 2 year old!! My stress levels are reaching boiling point!! HELP!!!

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

That's ridiculous! My dd will be 16 next month: she'll have a party here and I'll turn a blind eye to the booze, and some girls can sleep over, and that's more than some of her friends have been allowed for their birthdays! Your dd needs to have a word with herself, I think, and you can tell her so from me!

[izzyishappilybusy]

Tell her she is having a laugh. I sat upstairs with DH for my 16 year olds birthday and it's clear from fb some of dcs friends parents sat in liBing room in middle of party

[Monty27]

My 16yo dd had friends for nibbles and went across the street to a lovely park and they had a picnic and alcopops. It was summer though, but, no way is your dd being reasonable. Just think of the charges after they've trashed the apartment

[chocoluvva]

Would it help to point out to her that no landlord would agree to this anyway?

[deleted203]

And does this spoilt brat have a cost estimate for this party? Or any idea about how her city centre 'neighbours' might feel about 2 days solid partying? Or whether the landlord would be prepared to have his place trashed? I'd have laughed in her face and said, 'Don't be so utterly ridiculous!' rather than saying, 'it's very unlikely to happen' personally. She needs to grow up considerably before she's allowed to do anything without adult supervision, by the sound of it! And there would be hell to pay from me for the tantrums. She'd be lucky if I was prepared to fund any kind of birthday party after this sort of behaviour and tantrums. Mine had a sleepover/pizza/girly DVD night with the girlfriends and had a great time.

[chocoluvva]

Just ignore the tantrum, OP and she'll calm down. She won't really leave home.

[Monty27]

Threaten her with no celebration if she persists on tantrums.

[meggiepie]

Thank you everyone for your response, it good to hear other parents views! I have discussed all implications with the teen about her birthday request but "I know nothing" all the other parents kids let them!! I have suggested I meet with the other parents to discuss but that as you can imagine did not go down well. I am at my wits end with my girl, the past few weeks have been testing! Its as if she woke up a few weeks ago a totally unreasonable person as she is normally a lovely girl who works hard at school and got great results in her exams. Now she turned into a teenage tyrant overnight! and guess what, its all my fault!!! Its kinda hard to take however I am trying hard!! ps. she still stomping about this morning so no doubt another frought day for me!!!

[Aldwick]

Just a thought but has she met someone maybe? A new man can still temporarily change the personalities of people I know in their 40s - especially if they're trying to impress them!

[chocoluvva]

Teenagers (especially girls) want to argue with you so they can blame you for their problems and vent their frustrations. Don't get sucked in and don't worry about her doing something extreme - it's usually all bluster.

You've explained why her plan is unworkable. She'll come up with another daft plan by tomorrow or enjoy being unbelievably hard done by/treated sooo unfairly/having a very unfair mum who knows nothing as she's incredibly old....... :o

[dexter73]

I think you should get her to go to a letting agent and ask how much it would be for her to rent an apartment for the weekend for an unsupervised teenage party - just to see the look of horror on the agents face!

[meggiepie]

Oh she told me its £450 and one of her pals brothers is going to rent it for them!! I have explained all the things that can go wrong and if the police get called etc, it falls on deaf ears, as she says nothing will go wrong (how many times I have heard that before!). I have offered to let her have use of our house till 1pm where some friends can come but that aint good enough cause they dont want an adult present (that makes me suspicious)!! According to my teen, at some of her friends houses the parents allow smoking, drinking and people staying over etc whilst the parents go out for the night (do parents do this for their 16 year olds???) The drama continues.........

[dexter73]

We agreed to my dd having 15 friends over in September while we went out for a meal at the local pub, they agreed to not play music too loud etc. We left at 7.30 and returned at 11pm to find 40+ teenagers and 2 policemen. Needless to say parties at our house have been banned!

[chocoluvva]

No parent IN THEIR RIGHT MIND leaves a huge bunch of unsupervised teenagers with alcohol and staying over!!!

And that's from a mum who let her nearly 16YO stay over at her BF's so it's not like I'm an overprotective sort.

Anyway, £450!!!! She's 16, not celebrating winning the lottery for goodness sake.

[bevelino]

The problems that could arise if you agreed to your dd's party plans are entirely foreseeable and as she is still a minor you would be held entirely responsible (I can see the newspaper headlines already). I wouldn't be too troubled by the tanties and threats and you need to stand firm because if your stress levels are reaching boiling point now what state will you be in on the nights of the party, which I assume you haven't been invited to?

[Corygal]

Tell her what you are offering eg party at home with sleepovers. Explain it will be reduced the more she hysterics.

[meggiepie]

Chocoluvva, my sentiments exactly why would I leave my teen and her friends unsupervised to party!! Am glad other parents are like minded. I certainly will not be giving into an apartment for 2 nights thats for sure! Normally me and my teen girlie have a wee week holiday in the sun for her birthday and she dont even want to do that! The party apartment is all that she wants!!!! Hopefully she will come round to a compromise soon or she will be getting nothing!! The birthday is not till April and the war has begun!!! PHEW!!!

[sumrandomgirl]

Oh my....rent a room....no way....it will get trashed!!!!!
Let her stomp and shout and stress and call u all the names under the sun....we all know shouting gets u no-where. If She was a two yr old having a paddy u wud ignore the tantrums....do the same wiv her. I have a 17 yr old, and any time She reverted to childish tantrums I refused to discuss anything with her, and pointed out her behaviour shows me She isn't mature enuf and therefore She wont be doing whatever it was She had a paddy about.
I left her to stomp and scowl an spoke to her as though She was fine, saws her if She wanted tea etc but would refuse to be dragged into another fall out, She had been told what I thought and wat She was allowed to do an that was that, I am the mum an my word is final..drove her crazy wen I wouldn't take her on...

As for her leaving etc....She won't get far....its a paddy an nothing more, pushing the boundaries and that.

[chocoluvva]

Ah, her birthday's in April......

I'd remind her that the flat is out and tell her you're not going to discuss any birthday plans for a month as it's too early just now anyway. By that time, she'll hopefully probably have changed her mind anyway.

Around the time of my DD's 16th birthday - a few months ago - she took to frequently saying that she could do whatever she liked when she was 16. It took a lot of effort for me to avoid saying things like, 'But we're still in charge of the household/You might think that, but how will you fund plan X? etc" and I was in a cold sweat thinking I might have no control.

It was all bluster though....

I realised that my DD still wants parental approval and does value my opinion on lots of things BUT she also wants, as Flow4 puts it, increasing amounts of control, or freedom to make her own choices as I put it. The difficulty is that her choices sometimes don't meet with my approval.

Your DD either secretly doesn't want to have an all weekend party really, even though she'd like to be confident to enjoy the idea of that and her objections are really to her own confused feelings about it/growing up OR she'd love to do that even though it's a scary idea as well as an exciting one but ONLY if she thinks she's not displeasing you.

She just needs some time and space without the distraction of arguing about it and this will blow over.

[chocoluvva]

Ah - apologies flow4's wise comments are on another thread have broken me.

[chocoluvva]

Sorry - that was my first attempt at doing a link - the thread is called,
" they have broken me and I don't know how to carry on".

[meggiepie]

chocoluvva, I have had that thrown at me to about her leaving home at 16! I said go ahead but did remind her that she would have to pay for herself, her accommodation, phone, food, makeup etc etc etc!! and first of all she would have to go find a job (she thinks thats easy), lets see how that goes lol.....Sumrandongirl, I am going to try your tactic of ignoring her when she tantrums, although sometime that is difficult as she starts punching doors etc!!! I did discuss with her last night her tantrums (which seem to have got worse recently) and she admits its cos she dont like me saying NO as she thinks I am the only mum that does. She said her friends mums dont ask where they are or what they are doing and dont check where they stay overnight!!! Unfortunately I am not that Mum!!! She said it would be easier if she lied to me!! I did explain to her that lies are not good and she is usually very good about telling me where she is and whats going on so I do have to give her credit for that I think she is really trying to test the boundaries these days which is a challenge. Teenagers eh!!! Thanks to all the responses it really is good to hear other peoples views and know that I am not alone and dont feel the worst mum on the planet!!!

[exoticfruits]

Apart from being a ridiculous idea, who in their right mind would rent out a city centre apartment to them?!

[meggiepie]

Apparently one of the friends big brothers will rent for them if they pay for it!!!! I did ask will he take responsibility if its trashed as someone has to!!! Dont think that hits the radar with the teens!!

[sumrandomgirl]

Punching walls is hard to ignore...I had a fella who used to do that, sed it was so he didn't hit me....was coz he couldn't get his own way and this tactic used to work wiv his mum an ex girlfriends....a paddy is a paddy watever the age. Next time She kicks off let her do her worst, an a few hours later when u know she has calmed down ask her what she actually achieved by her actions, ask her if She thinks you have changed her mind. Point out that She is proving She to immature to even have a sleepover by the way she responds. And tell her once again that at the end og the day your the mum an She is the child and It will always be that way.
I tell mine I don't care if they think I am tight, I still know best an in a few yrs they will look back and realise.
It's hard these days to bring kids up correctly, so many parents dont know where their kids are or what they are doing coz its easier to say yes than face a fall out....but all they have are kids that will grow into adults with no real idea of how to behave as an adult.
My daughter is now 17, has her first serious boyfriend, went abroad for Xmas with him paid for by herself as She got an apprenticeship....I have had fights with her and slanging matches across the house an found ignoring her worked best...just as u would a 2 yr old haha