MaryZ's support thread for parents of troubled teenagers - Part 2 here's to a peaceful 2013

(810 Posts)
Maryz Tue 01-Jan-13 15:57:49

This is a continuation of this thread which I set up as a safe space for struggling parents of challenging teenagers.

This is meant to be a welcoming thread, where everyone can come and moan, whinge, bash ideas off each other and support each other as we face a new year and new challenges

Newbies in particular - come and join in. When ds1 started going off the rails I felt very lonely as there was no-one in real life I could talk to. Being able to be open and honest on here has helped me cope over the last few years.

Many of us have extremely challenging teenagers, some are involved in alcohol and drugs, some are violent, some are struggling with depression, anxiety and various SN. This thread isn't here to judge people and tell them how to parent or to simplify and minimise their difficulties.

So if you think we should simply tell them to come home and night, and take their phones away if they don't, you are probably in the wrong place. Also if you think a few joints or a couple of pills are harmless, go and start a thread about it somewhere else.

The mantra of this thread is - don't look back, guilt is a wasted emotion. You are where you are now, carry on from here. You may not be able to change them, but you can change how you react to their behaviour, so pick your battles, take a step back and try not be too emotionally involved, and FFS, be nice to yourself.

So here goes: here's to a calm, peaceful and positive 2013.

Doinmummy Sun 24-Feb-13 11:34:51

I will shave my legs today! Sounds silly but they're shockingly hairy and it will make me feel less unkempt.

One other thing that's been thrown into the mix is that DD's father told her I had been abused by a neighbour when I was little . This is tue but it was a secret I told him when we were together, it was NEVER meant to be told to anyone else.

flow4 Sun 24-Feb-13 11:46:21

Oh damn people who break confidences! And damn Exes! angry

Shave them hairy leggsies if that'll make you feel better grin ... Then go and throw stones in a pond or something to vent some of that annoyance! BAH! grin

Midwife99 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:13:56

Bastard - how dare he!!angry

Doinmummy Sun 24-Feb-13 18:47:44

He's recently trained as a counsellor . God help his clients.

Doinmummy Mon 25-Feb-13 15:10:20

I managed work today but feel knackered now. But at least it's getting some normality back.

MuchBrighterNow Mon 25-Feb-13 20:49:03

Had a really challenging 2 days. Ds has been violent, psychotic ,crazy, illogical , and hysterical . He's been on and off for over 24 hours. He's finally calmed down a bit. He claims he is on an mdma, alcohol and ketamine come down from what he admits he took on Saturday night.

I really don't know if it's just the drugs or if he really does have mental problems and is using the drugs to overcome them. He refuses to see a Dr. I didn't know whether I should call the police or the hospital. In the end I did neither but have had to give so much love and empathy to just calm him down that I am completely wrung out.

He has episodes like this occasionally and it's always incredibly traumatic for everyone. I really want him to go see a psychiatrist the doctor referred us to a while ago , he completely refuses. I am so desperate I'm considering paying him to go see him.

Could a drug comedown be so bad that a person seems to need sectioning ?

Midwife99 Mon 25-Feb-13 20:57:38

Crikey muchbrighter that sounds awful for you!! That cocktail of drugs & alcohol would definitely have an after effect surely!! Can't he see what the negative effects are after the "fun" is over? I guess he doesn't care sad

MuchBrighterNow Mon 25-Feb-13 21:11:00

I wish he did care Midwife ! he just seems to swing from being happy and cheerful to being incredibly depressed and down .. he described it today as the universe laughing at him.

Today I just wanted someone to come along with a tranquilizer dart and wipe him out to give us all a break. I just don't know if the answer to someone who's sending themselves psychotic from too many drugs is to get the doctor to prescribe them more sad

Footface Mon 25-Feb-13 21:26:25

Hi, sorry back again. Been reading the thread but not responding as been doing trying and doing really really well with detaching and not worrying about things uses they are in front if me, but I'm having a major wobble tonight.

It looks like my step son will be going back to prison on a couple of weeks. I was detaching from thus. His choice to steal. Didn't need to. Chose to. 3 times now that will be. How wrong is that.

Anyway I was watching the prison program on itv and its just thrown me and caught me off guard. Noone to talk to about how sad it all makes me feel sad.

Midwife99 Mon 25-Feb-13 21:30:06

It is so draining isn't it? I avoid TV programmes about prisons, HMYOIs, ADHD, teenagers, children's behaviour, drugs, anything else depressing. Our lives are enough without watching it!!

flow4 Mon 25-Feb-13 21:31:56

IMO yes, Brighter. After a 'heavy' weekend, as well as violent losses of control, I have seen DS1 barricade doors to keep 'people' out, climb onto a shelf inside a cupboard to hide, become completely irrational, and have major mood swings. A couple of times at least I have thought that if anyone other than me had seen him, he would have ended up getting sectioned.

IME, skunk especially gives a massive, almost psychotic come-down for some people, including but not only my DS. In fact, we had one this morning - the first since about Sept - and he ended up pushing me and hurting me. sad (He was trying to get me out of his room when I was trying to get him up for college - which he'd asked me to do - and I was wrong-footed so couldn't back out quickly myself without falling over). He then went back to sleep for 6 hours, while I was wired and upset. It has made me very low today - the worst I've been for months sad

Well done on getting to work today Doin. That's quite an achievement. smile

Footface Mon 25-Feb-13 21:39:40

midwife it's so draining and after so many years if this crap, it boring as well. So if that sounds dismissive but its feels like a cycle. ( I'm in a bad mood aswell) but now I'm pissed of at how bloody selfish he is.

I mean can't he just think " o today I won't take any thing that doesn't belong to me".

I just hope he turns up at court. But i can't make it happen. So might aswell just shrugg my shoulders

Footface Mon 25-Feb-13 21:44:33

flow I just read your post, are you physically ok? Is there any where else he can go for the night to give you some space from him?

Midwife99 Mon 25-Feb-13 21:44:52

My DS was psychotic after a skunk fest. He took a load of paracetamol, called himself an ambulance & when he was in A&E he was clearly suffering from psychosis so he was carted off to a secure adolescent psychiatric unit for 3 weeks. He wasn't sectioned so could self discharge & reckoned the nursing staff made it all up!! sad

Midwife99 Mon 25-Feb-13 21:45:46

Yeah are you ok Flow? Safe?

flow4 Mon 25-Feb-13 21:53:18

Brighter, his mood swings are a direct result of his drug consumption: MDMA and ketamine are 'mood enhancers' - they make people feel very relaxed and happy. Alcohol and cannabis do too, but they are depressants and bring moods down. Ket is a major tranquilliser (it was developed by vets sad ) and can really zonk people out, and make them lose the use of their limbs (but they're happy and relaxed so they don't care hmm ) and can also cause hallucinations and affect mental health...

Foot, the grief can be hard to deal with sometimes, can't it? It goes onnnnnnn so long, and you have flashes of hope and optimism, and then disappointment and upset again... confused sad

flow4 Mon 25-Feb-13 22:02:18

Thanks, yes I am safe. I am down though. And my shoulder still hurts - I can't lift my left arm properly sad

He was OK when he woke up at lunchtime - a bit bolshy because he knew he was in the wrong, but otherwise OK. I went out for the afternoon and only came home a couple of hours ago... We talked, he apologised, I cried... I pointed out that every time he has had a violent loss of control has been after heavy skunk smoking, sometimes but not always combined with other things. This was the aftermath of a last-weekend-of-half-term binge. hmm

No, there is nowhere else he can go for the night Foot. But the crisis has passed anyway. I'm pretty sure he'll get himself up and into college tomorrow.

I'm off to bed. I've had enough of today. hmm sad Night all.

Midwife99 Mon 25-Feb-13 22:24:17

So sorry Flow - sleep well & hope tomorrow better. thanks

Doinmummy Mon 25-Feb-13 22:40:57

I'm so sorry flow . I hope you are ok. Sending you much love. X

Doinmummy Mon 25-Feb-13 22:59:25

It's a shame we don't all live near each other to give RL support.

njaw Tue 26-Feb-13 01:38:26

Oh ladies, it seems to be one of our darker days. Brighter I'm so sorry you've had such a bad weekend, it'shard to explain to anyone who incredibly tiring this can be. The emotion of seeing someone you love so much being so self destructive can just rip every last bit of energy from you. Hope he is calmer now. Is it worth calling his GP? The good ones can be awesome and incredibly powerful when they really swing into action tho also have experience of the totally useless ones. Be good to yourself, the days after the trauma can be the hardest ones as you go over events in your head.

footface not sure what to say, it must be hugely disappointing for you and DH for this to be the outcome. Can only hope that perhaps this is the time that he has some type of rehabilitation or intervention that might make him see the damage he's doing.

flow I just want to sob - only just read this. You are a truly amazing woman, supporting others in need when you are in a really awful situation. I hope the physical pain he caused is long gone by the time you read this and that tomorrow is a 'good' college day as you said. I'm glad he apologised and that he was able to see the effects of his actions on his mum. Really hope that this is just a dreadful one-off as I know that things had been better for you recently. thanks

MuchBrighterNow Tue 26-Feb-13 07:48:13

thanks for all the advice and support.. it really helps so much in my understanding of Ds' meltdowns.

I can really relate to your description of your Ds hiding in a cupboard flow. My Ds once jumped into a pool mid winter with all his clothes on in a fit of angst, destroying his phone in the process. confused

I'm sorry you got hurt yesterday. I was hurt yesterday too when ds threw an old antique that belonged to DP's grandmother and it hit me on the hand .. he also broke it angry

I'm sorry your Ds is making such bad choices Footface. I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning.

Maryz Tue 26-Feb-13 08:48:48

I'm also sorry everyone is having such a shit time - I haven't been here for a few days as I'm struggling with ds2 at the moment, which has really upset me. Nothing on a par with any of the above, but I'm constantly terrified he is going to do what ds1 did, so I'm jittery and angry around him all the time, which is really counter-productive.

So I'm going to detach, detach, detach or at least try to The more I'm on his back, the worse he is.

I also have experienced that awful drug come-down - both the Sunday/Monday morning after a heavy Friday/Saturday night which ds specialised in when he was younger and made me dread Sundays in particular, but also the bigger psychotic breakdown he used to have when he tried to stop using completely. He'd be fine for a week, increasingly jittery for the next week, and then lose it completely.

I've also wondered whether he is bipolar, schitzophrenic etc. But I have learned that as he won't go to a doctor, it doesn't really matter whether drugs are causing the mh issues or mh issues are the reason behind him taking drugs sad. I can only cope with the behaviour I'm presented with.

I hope you are ok Flow - there is no excuse (and he knows it and you know it) for him hurting you, so I really hope this is a one-off and not the start of another scary period sad.

Maybe this will be a low point for us all, and next week will be better [hopeful]

Midwife99 Tue 26-Feb-13 20:42:44

So sorry ladies. It's really hard. sad

Doinmummy Tue 26-Feb-13 20:51:52

How are things today flow ?

Sorry to hear things are not great for you either maryz

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