Dd's bedroom is REVOLTING. WWYD?

(160 Posts)
TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 10:39:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

So relieved to find this thread.

Lots of posters have expressed my exact feelings, thought I was alone in having The Fear of what lurks upstairs in my 13 year old DDs room.

It makes me so miserable. It does sound just like a lot of other rooms on this thread (which eases the 'why me?!' feeling slightly)
Bus tickets! The girl gets 2 buses a day, and never throws the ticket away. Mouldy cups. Knocked over nail varnish bottles. Dirty underwear stuffed in drawers with chocolate wrappers... When she opens the door, bits of papery crap float out and cover the landing.

We had a leak from the bathroom once, which leaked into her room. Because her carpet was so covered in crap, I didn't know about it until it soaked through the layers of junk on her floor. By which time the carpet had rotted angry

Like the all the other posters messy roomed DCs, DD is a lovely girl, and I have no other trouble with her but the mess is driving me crazy.

I'm very tidy, hate 'stuff' cluttering the house, get anxious about mess- but come from a long line of hoarders on my mums side!

I just wish there was a magic wand I could wave. I'd let you all use it grin

cwtchontoast Wed 02-Jan-13 15:54:27

Hmm, I think a lot of people fail to realise that messiness is not strictly a teenage problem, and that some people genuinely struggle to keep their space tidy.

I was very messy as a teen (and still am really, I only really have a big clean up when dh thinks its becoming unacceptable.) And my parents punishments only served to hurt my feelings as I found it hard between school, work and keeping up a social life to find motivation to keep my bedroom tidy.

I understand your dd's messy bedroom offends you, and you feel something must be done, but punishing an 18yo for this sort of thing will only drive a wedge between you, she could probably do with a bit sympathy and a non-judgmental hand to get the ball rolling.

chunops Wed 19-Dec-12 17:18:26

When she is out just get bin bags and stuff everything into it including food etc don,t segregate it leave outside,don't wash,iron for her if you do she will have partly won. To have a untidy room is fine, but to have health problems in her room is another thing she just has contempt for the whole situation.

AgathaHoHoHo Tue 18-Dec-12 19:14:48

Our 21yr old dd is exactly the same. Food, plates etc, face wipes, clothes etc etc all over the floor. I think people whose children are not quite so extreme is this respect often come out with plans that they say will sort it out and make them change, but the reality of it is different. Our ds is the opposite and likes a clean and tidy room.

Over the last 3 or so weeks, and for no apparent reason, our dd has started to take action on her room. She has charity bagged a load of clothes (gone into the bags dirty though), and is generally throwing stuff out. She says she realises that she has too much stuff and that is why she struggles to keep her room clean/tidy. She has an unfortunate ebay habit and has bought so many clothes off there, most of which she only wears once or twice. I am hoping she has seen the error of her ways, although I have to say that I will believe it when I see it.

ihearsounds Tue 18-Dec-12 19:05:59

Stop running around after her. Why does she need to do anything when she knows eventually that you will sort it.

She does her own washing, she is an adult and should be more than capable of doing a load.
No food and drink in bedrooms. I have never understood why food gets taken into rooms.
No more pack lunches made for her, what is the point when she is throwing it in the bin?

Until she does as she is asked, then she can have no more visitors. You need to man the fook up, but not by doing it for her. You need to man the fook up and start instilling some house rules, and encouraging her to be as independent as possible. If she is going travelling, she is going to be in a lot of trouble as mummy will not be there to run around after her.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Tue 18-Dec-12 18:45:53

Go in, take lots of photos and email them to her and tell her that if her room isn't sorted within 5 days, the photos are going on facebook? (she doesn't need to know that's a bluff grin )

Perhaps looking at photos of the room will make her see it more than actually seeing it.

If that makes any sense.

DontmindifIdo Tue 18-Dec-12 18:41:25

Lilibet - you do the same, say if they want to live like that you'll give them the bin bags to take to their new home. If they want the advantages of living in your house, then they need to stick at rules. If they want to live in a slum, that's their choice, but they pay for the privilage.

MaryChristmaZEverybody Tue 18-Dec-12 16:03:17

I have just enjoyed read this thread through my fingers while chuckling quietly to myself in a slightly manic way

dd is going to (apparently) tackle hers this weekend. I foresee a bit of a row grin

softpaw Tue 18-Dec-12 15:54:13

yeah to Angelico. I've done all this with three daughters..if anyone needs hints.They are now independant,wonderful,and tidy women!!

specialsubject Tue 18-Dec-12 15:37:17

looks like Kate Moss? Oh well, nobody's perfect.

hope there is progress soon.

lilibet Tue 18-Dec-12 12:26:49

Oh I feel your pain. Sorry but I've not had time to read all the thread, but have seen a lot of the answers.

My son is 19, works and pays rent, the ony bit of carpet that you can see in his room is the semi circle where his door opens, then it's knee deep with crap.

Those of you who would bin stuff, how can you bin stuff that someone else has bought with their wages?

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast Tue 18-Dec-12 12:11:04

But that is a good answer Celsis

- shame it doesn't galvanise me to action more frequently blush

InExitCelsisDeo Tue 18-Dec-12 11:40:13

Agree totally with Angelico

I myself am not tidy or organised so when I tell DD to tidy her room I feel like a complete hypocrite.

She once asked me, in all honesty "Why do I have to tidy my room" and I couldn't really think of a good answer, except that if we don't keep on top of stuff then chaos will ensue.

Angelico Tue 18-Dec-12 11:28:31

Juggling I reckon we were separated at birth, right down to the ADHD tendencies blush grin

OP great she's started but as Juggling said (and I concur) FINISHING the job is crucial. I would eventually get started, get quite into it, get to a certain point - then get distracted. If you can help her get the SYSTEM into place (where stuff lives) and make her get everything sorted this first time then it's just a matter of maintenance.

Good luck! smile

noddyholder Tue 18-Dec-12 11:24:03

If i looked like that my room would be a tip too! Other fish to fry grin My son is like James Dean I see a pattern here x

TheSecondComing Tue 18-Dec-12 11:15:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

specialsubject Tue 18-Dec-12 10:32:42

OP, make that call. 'Entitled' is a nightmare.

if she has long straight hair and skinny legs her male and female peers won't see anything wrong with her for a while, but they will eventually and the later it comes, the worse it will be. So it is cruel to be kind time, and time to teach her to be grateful for what she has.

good luck.

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast Tue 18-Dec-12 10:10:33

I'm very messy and disorganised and think I may have attention deficit tendencies - I can certainly relate to that "don't know where to start" feeling, as well as getting easily distracted (like here ?! blush) so rarely finishing tasks either. Interesting that she forgot her skirt one day for school ? So, perhaps some of it is part of her make up and so going to be difficult (though not impossible ?) for you or her to change. Angelico's thoughts seem very helpful.

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 22:55:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Angelico Mon 17-Dec-12 22:48:41

OP please read this all in case you get the wrong idea about what I'm saying smile

Are you tidy yourself? And have you ever actually taught your daughter how to be tidy and organised?

I ask this because I was v like your daughter - high-achieving, busy, out lots when I was a teenager. My parents weren't really messy but they were classic hoarders (both had been quite poor as kids) and this mentality trickled down to me. We would be told to tidy our rooms when we were little kids but this mostly involved just stuffing things out of sight. As a teenager my room especially descended into mess and chaos (although not to the rotting food stage) and this didn't get any better through university / adult life.

Recently I got the FlyLady book and had a bit of a revelation: she said, "lots of messy, cluttered people were told as kids - Go tidy your room! - and then went into the room and stood looking around and didn't have a clue where to start!" And when I read that I thought - my God, that was me! And still is to some extent! It's like I literally don't know where to start. So FlyLady book has really helped me because it gives a bit of structure IYSWIM.

*So, practical suggestions*:

- Softly softly first. Tell her you know tidying / cleaning is broing and overwhelming when everything is a tip and that THIS ONE TIME ONLY you are willing to help her. She has half an hour to hide anything she doesn't want you to see. Then you will come in a help her, for an hour a night for this week only. (Make sure you tackle the repeat offenders first e.g. if it's clothes make sure she has enough hangers / space in wardrobe etc so she can hang up as she goes.)

- If this fails time to get tough. Ban all visitors, especially boyfriend. Threaten and follow through. Agree with other posters: wait for bins to be collected, black bag everything, dump it in garage or similiar. Empty drawers / cupboards / wardrobe. Completely clean room. Give her one bag at a time and tell her she sorts it before she gets the next one. Give her a suggested plan if necessary - undies in top drawer, jumpers in second drawer etc. Seriously. Don't assume because she's smart she can figure this out herself. I'm smart but show me a mound of stuff and some over-crammed storage and no system of where to put stuff = brain meltdown.

- If she goes completely mental - guess what? There's the front door. She has somewhere else to go.

If you can help her with this now you will save her years of stress and frustration (I speak from experience). I'm getting slightly better because we now have a baby DD and I need to know where stuff is. But guess what? My office is still the messiest room in the house even now...

MissVerinder Mon 17-Dec-12 22:30:14

Can you go to a bait shop and buy a handful of maggots?

Pop them in a mouldy cup she's going to look in... She need never know it was you...

softpaw Mon 17-Dec-12 22:17:22

Best revenge...put your hands around their face and say"I was you once"

Elegantlybasted Mon 17-Dec-12 22:15:51

Give her 48 hrs to clean up and then go in and black bag anything, and I mean anything on the floor and bin it. If she earns her own money she can replace anything that she needs, if she doesn't have enough tough luck. My DD is 12, and was becoming a slob, she is clean and tidy herself but treats her room like a pit. I had become fed up did the 48 hr notice warning, she didn't take me seriously until she saw me coming up the stairs with the black bags. She tidied up, needs the odd reminder now and again but is much improved. You have to mean what you say though.

amillionyears Mon 17-Dec-12 22:11:13

Glad it is sorted Izzy. smile

softpaw Mon 17-Dec-12 22:10:12

I sound harsh here for a reason...I have 3 grown up successful daughters who all lived like pigs..I do have advice.(they all have lovely homes)

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