DS broke my phone :(

[bidibidi]

Apologies for stupidly long story:

It was my favourite although not often used because iffy reception on its network (couldn't unlock to put it on another network).

DS 13: I forgot he wanted to go to Games Workshop this morning. At 9:10 DH says to DS:

"I guess you're not going since you just missed the train? I think it just went at 9:08."
DS panic, gets DH to look up time, DH thinks it's 9:20.
I quickly drive DS to station, he didn't come out after a few minutes so I assumed he had caught train, drove home.
DH says "Did he really catch the train? I was confused when I told him 9:20, it was really 9:08."
Ten minutes later DS rings (having borrowed my phone in the rush out the door) to say train not appearing, he then asks me for lift to city (35 miles roundtrip). I say no because I think he has to learn to organise himself and I don't want to set wrong precedent. DS hangs up & 2 minutes later rings again to fume at me & DH, then tells me he will smash the phone.

It was smashed up & broken beyond repair by time he got back home. :(.

It's not a special phone, would cost maybe £20 to replace.
If he had smashed up his own phone I would merely dock his Christmas gift pile by £20 and forget about it.
But since it's MY FAVOURITE phone my first impulse was to refuse to get him anything else for Christmas, so about a £60 loss for him.

DH wants to stop DS from having any electronic game/device access for 2 weeks. Which sounds like an absolute fanny to police. I think if I was being objective I would just dock him £20 of Christmas gifts. And forget about it. But I was in tears, I quite liked that phone.

DS is quite remorseful now, asking how he can make it up to me instead of losing all Christmas gifts. He is trying to give me his phone instead but that's not a solution, because I don't want him going places far away without a phone (like his school, 10 miles away).

WWYD?

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

If he was mine he'd be replacing the phone and losing his gaming time regardless of whether it was a pain to police.

[bidibidi]

I think I'd rather dock £60 than have to police the access to devices. Jolly easier.

[SquirtedFrankinScentsInStable]

I would make him pay cash to replace my phone AND no Xbox whatever for at least a fortnight.

Christmas should be separate from the deliberate smashing of your phone, favourite or not.

[bidibidi]

but he doesn't have any cash right now, and didn't want any for Christmas so not likely to get any before Feb (when his pocket money next comes).

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

Punishment isn't about ease, it's about teaching a lesson and sometimes that means parents have to put themselves out a bit.

[MikeLitorisHasChristmasLights]

Just take the games console away. Problem solved.

I had to do the same with ds.

Just unplug the wires and hide it away, boot of the car is always a good place.

[Startail]

I think he will have to loose electronic devices, now rather than suffering at Christmas.

I accept that may be a pain, DD2 bounces between several laptops, my desk top and her and her sister's DS's and always claims to be doing HW. Not playing SIMs or watching iPlayer.

I've come realy close to a ban, but given bith DDs wire their sodding lap top in to the mains and fixed Ethernet it's a bit difficult to just grab them and tuck them under my arm.

[bidibidi]

Okay, so consensus is (?) he pays for it (£20 dock from Xmas spend) and i punish him by withdrawing all access to electronic devices for 2 weeks? Except his phone, which actually I want him to have because he could do something like lose his rail pass with no lift home (etc.)

If I thought he was upset already he'll be a raging devil for next fortnight with no iPad (his iPad he paid for). It's as much a punishment for me as for him.

But then so is seeing his :( face on Xmas day if I go with Plan A.

[flow4]

That's horrible bidibidi. It's upsetting when they're just mean, isn't it? :(
If I were you, I wouldn't make a decision about sanctions tonight. I'd tell him you are very disappointed, upset and angry, and you need some time to make a decision about what you're going to do about it. That way, he can sweat for a bit ... and you can make a better, fairer parenting decision when you're not still caught up in the emotions of it...

[QuickLookBusy]

Yes I would go with the no Xbox and payment of broken phone.

I'd also want a calm sit-down talk with him, you and Dh.

I'd want to know what was going thorough his head, when he thought he should phone you up, tell you he was going to smash your phone, then actually do it.
He needs to understand that that kind of decision making will lead him into huge trouble in the future.

[bigTillyMincePie]

I agree with the other posters. If it was my DS, I would stop any gaming, etc for at least 2 weeks, plus he would have to pay to replace the phone. He was completely out of order.

However, more importantly, I would want to examine why he was so angry that he smashed the phone in the first place.

Was he angry because he couldn't get to Games Workshop because he is so into his gaming (seems to link with it being a PITA to stop his gadget access for 2 weeks) or because your DH told him the wrong train time and then left him at the station and then refused to run him into town?

• Was there not another train later?
  
• He is only 13 and if you know he is not great with timings, then why didn't you "help" him to be ready at the right time?

[trueblood1fan]

erm, he is 13 & knows right from wrong - doubt he would have smashed his ipod/phone or xbox?! he smashed YOUR phone. disgusting behaviour & my 14 year old ds would lose his gaming privelages for at least a week - not hard to police - take the whole box away. teach him now before his anger gets him in possibly criminal trouble.

[ViperInTheManger]

I think what is really concerning about this is that he threatened to smash the phone before he did it so this was not a spur of the moment action followed by an "OMG what have I done?" realisation but was a calculated action that he knew would upset you. I'm afraid my DS would have lost all his privileges for that type of behaviour whether it was a pain to police or not.

[Startail]

I think I'd only manage to Friday keeping DD2 off SIMs.

As you say OP, it is in danger of becoming a punishment for everyone if you do it for long, but he isn't likely to grieve greatly for £20 and having him miserable at Christmas is again no fun for you.

[bidibidi]

DS is countering with the suggestion that instead I dock all his Feb pocket money (more than £20). I won't accept that, btw, but it's true I need to calm down before I can think straight.

GWorkshop run special Sunday sessions to teach how to play Warhammer, that's what he wants/needs to do. Trains only run every 2 hours so he missed it completely by paying no attention to times, this morning. I think he had been looking forward all week to going to Workshop today. If only the stupid little sod had asked me to help him remember to catch the train, if nothing else i would have looked up the time & lectured him about when to get ready. But then, I am trying to teach him to organise self etc.

His Minecraft time is tied to doing homework, so if I ban all gadgets I have a problem with "What is the homework incentive?" for next 2 weeks.

Oh well, at least DS2 is happy. Had best mate around for 6 hours. He's normally my miserable child that spreads the misery around (sigh).

[trueblood1fan]

erm who is the parent here? he will never learn :-\ if he doesnt do his homework he loses his xbox for a further period of time.please dont negotiate with him. he was damn right naughty and broke your phone (whether £20 or £100) & was premeditated. but if you dont want to teach him right from wrong then so be it, another retribate in the making.....

[bidibidi]

I think the word you want is reprobate.

[trueblood1fan]

it sure is - damn phone & predictive texting. my son earns his xbox & doesnt by right have it. if he was that naughty it would be sitting in my room.

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

Homework incentive? Does he get detention at school for not doing it? If he does, then that's his incentive for doing his homework for the next couple of weeks.

I think the value of the phone is irrelevant tbh. Deliberately breaking someone else's possessions because he couldn't get his own way is just atrocious. It doesn't matter that it was cheap. He also doesn't get to negotiate the punishment (not much of one if he gets to pick it is it?)

[bigTillyMincePie]

Re the punishment, I think that you need to completely remove his gaming stuff for a period of time and tell him that in order to earn it back again, he will have to meet your daily requirements for every day of that time, ie all homework done, chores you ask him to do done, polite to everybody, etc. Every day he fails to do this, another gets added on to earn his stuff back.

If you don't draw a line here, it is a slippery slope down.

It sounds to me like his Warhammer/gaming is incredibly important to him (that he places it above thinking about how his family will feel if he damages something precious ) and that he is not very good at organising himself. Some children/teens need more help than others to get organised.

As his DM, you must know how much he was looking forward to his workshop and also that he might struggle to get himself there on time. In future, if he was my DS, I would explicitly say "do you plan to go to the Games Workshop tomorrow? Then you need to look up train times. This is the website. What time do you need to be at the station? So what time will we need to leave/will you need to get up, etc, etc," until he is able to manage this himself.

[trueblood1fan]

i must be mummy hitler as if my son had beem THAT bad he would be fast asleep in bed by now not telling me what punishment he should/shouldnt recieve.

[bigTillyMincePie]

trueblood, mine too

[flow4]

Actually, I'd be tempted to ban him from the next couple of Warhammer sessions. It seems appropriate, and sounds like it will matter to him.

[Loshad]

That is a horrendous thing for him to do, i would be beyond cross with him.
Quite frankly i would be implicating way more consequences than many have suggested. He smashed your phone in a premeditated act. Really worrying.
It would be a definite long term removal of gaming privileges, way more than 2 weeks, and i would stop him going to games workshop for a bit - he has to realise that actions like his are totally unacceptable, and without wishing to scare you if replicated could end him up in the criminal justice system.