Dd is 14. Part of a group of 6. One of the girls seems to be trying to isolate her and the others are going along with it. They're pulling the age old stunt of lets all be wonderful friends to each other whilst obviously leaving her out.
This girl in particular has posted up lists of 'my best friends', dds name copiously absent and makes sure dd sees them all chatting about meeting up, what they did etc again dd excluded. Constantly trying to set her up as having 'upset' her when she hasn't done anything. The girl in question is pretty convincing at this in front of relevant people, will even cry to make her stories of dd look more credible and has a butter wouldn't melt in her mouth demeanor when required. She's got looking like a victim down to a fine art. I'm not sure whether the others genuinely believe her or are just going along with it.
I think this stems from something that happened in the summer. Dd was friends with two people whom this girl dislikes (yes I know she sounds delightful
). It seems clear that she didn't like dd's friendship and during the holidays told dd that the two other friends had been saying awful things about her. This was done it seems to make dd walk away from the friendship.
Dd didn't buy into this as it clearly wasn't true and asked for proof. Of course there was none and her even asking for it was quickly turned around into dd being nasty to her. Again untrue.
So since they went back to school in Sept dd has had nothing but a chilly reception and the whole group behaves in a thoroughly poisonous way to her, emotionally bullying her and wrong footing her wherever possible. It's all done very subtlely but done nonetheless.
I've tried to encourage dd to make new friends, but they're not easy to escape and they deliberatley like to construe this as 'you're ignoring us, how unkind you're being' and hoe especially upset the girl in particular is. Honestly she can't put a foot right. They're barely ok with her. But cleverly only enough so as not to draw attention to it, so that only dd is truly aware. It's just so nasty and insidious. Its more a cumulative of little things, rather than one event.
Dd now longer wants to be around them and is worn down with it. After trying endless tactics to ignore it, be the bigger person, be terribly nice around them and without fault all to no avail, dd wants out. It's as though they're always trying to trip her up and finding reasons to be quietly nasty.
I'm on the verge of going to talk with the head of year. I'd like dd moved out of the tutor group and into a different timetable. Would that be a reasonable request? Dd doesn't trust them as friends anymore but is mortified of the thought of me going to school with this and is concerned it will make it worse.
Any ideas? Thanks SO much if you've read this far.
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My dds 'friends' are vile to her and I think they're bullying her.
BendyBobsBrusselsSprouts · 05/12/2012 21:53
Well funny you should say that, she's pretty much said tonight she's ready to do that.
The problem is that (according to dd) the whole year is very much divided now into established friendship groups and are all pretty clued up whenever there is some sort of fall out somewhere. Rumors fly about and she'll be asked whats happened. She's concerned this girl will look so convincing the whole year will believe her and dd will look like the bad guy 
. Also it's knocked her confidence and now she says she feels awkward trying to get in with anyone else.
Ah MissPolly thanks so much for your post. How awful for your dd too I really do hope you get somewhere with this today. Do come back and tell me how it went. How can teen girls be so damn mean??
I feel with my dd that it's just so hard to pinpoint one thing and say 'there that was horrible do something about' it to the school. On the face of it nothing they've done on an individual level is too bad its the cumulative effect. Almost a death by a thousand cuts as it were.
And yes she's still part of the group to the casual bystander ie teachers. They're too clever to expel her totally and anyway I think they get their kicks by having her there on their terms barely tolerated. It's just that the friendship thermostat has been turned down hovering just above freezing and they make sure that only she feels the chill.
What makes me laugh (hollowly) is that when it comes to them goodness me what sensitive little flowers they can be. Or is that I wonder just a great opportunity to act the victim and get away with doing to others what they 'say' has been done to them?
It is draining and I'm so worried for my dd. She's doing well at school and now she says she doesn't want to go in. She's known 50% of the group since junior school ,the others have come along since senior school. I think she just feels so betrayed and no longer trusts her judgement in friendships. It's certainly knocked her confidence.
Good luck Misspolly.
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Your dd too Jimalfie?
You are right I think in saying that social media has an awful lot to answer for here. Its a perfect tool for a bully.
My dd isn't on FB or Twitter. I know this is unusual probably at her age but even she seems wary of it. She and her friends do use another messaging thing though which they use to chat to each other. Doesn't seem to matter after all whether its FB or anything else though, the outcome is the same
I'm going to see how she gets on for the rest of this week then take some action I think. The problem is I worry that the school may try and quash this in a heavy handed way and get them to all be friends again. Even if they start behaving better towards her, we all know they don't mean it and will be resentful that they were pulled up. And who wants to have 'friends' that are only around because they've been told off for bullying you?
Going through similar shit with my 14yo DD.
She is at boarding school though so has no escape.
Am at my wits end what to do. Its hard because the bullying is so subtle and underhand - awful that it is I wish sometimes it would blow up and something really significant would happen so the offending little queen bee bitch at the centre of it all could be seen by everyone for exactly what she is.
The rest of them are like bloody sheep. Just doing what the spoilt litlle Diva says. FFS
Its so petty in one way but having a massive detrimental affect of my poor DD. Her self confidence has just gone.
I have been sat here in tears (again) tonight after another phonecall from DD telling me what has been said, what she has been excluded from, the sniggering, the looks etc etc
Little Miss Diva Queen Bee when confronted a few times by various members of staff has claimed to "feel sorry" for my DD and to be "concerned" for her. Yeah right love - may be able to feed that crap to your sheep following but not a grown adult. If (big IF) this is the case and she is genuinely concerned for DD then I would dread to think how she treats someone she is not concerned for!!! Really insulted that the daft idiot thinks she can feed us this crap!!
Am fetching DD home tomorrow 5 days early for the end of term - and also dropping my detailed formal written bullying complaint - complete with dates and names of witnesses on the heads desk.
I was confused if DD was experiencing some nasty bitching or actual bullying. I read the schools anti bullying policy and ticked off what has happend to DD this term - it was all the subtle actions - but there they are on the schools bullying list. So it is a formal bullying complaint I will be making.
Its awful though isnt it.
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