my 14yr old daughter

[mrsmclovins]

My daughter will be 15 next April. Last week I was called into her school, where my husband and I were told by my daughter in front of the school counsellor that not only had she been having sex with her boyfriend since the early summer, but that she had had sex with another boy at the weekend, & when her boyfriend found out there had been a near riot at school.
I had been so keen to "be there" for her when she was ready to start having sex; I told her way back that it was better to have an awkward chat with me so she was on the pill, than to risk STD's or pregnancy. We talked about that kind of stuff A LOT, & I tried so hard to tread the line between not burying my head in the sand and not nosing into her private thoughts and feelings.
Her attitude has grown pretty bad over the last year and her schoolwork has been suffering, but I had put it down to just normal teenage stuff. Maybe it IS normal teenage stuff?? She doesn't have hobbies any longer, or interests in doing very much at all, and now that all of this has happened, she is grounded and no longer allowed on the internet. She is ok with this as she is getting mercilessly taunted at school over what has happened, but she is miserable and often unresponsive. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! I don't have much contact with other parents locally, as we live on a farm and are quite isolated. Should I force her to join clubs? I can't keep her grounded forever, can I- But how can I trust her anymore? I'd really value any advice..

[YerMaw1989]

Oh dear I think this is one of those things that as much as you'd want to you can't do it for her. Her behaviour has consequences it will blow over eventually.

[beachyhead]

What reason did the school have for calling you in? If she is in year 10 she will have already started gcse work, so it's unlikely she could move schools, although I would consider it for this.

[mrsmclovins]

They called us in primarily because they were concerned that she had been having sex at a young age I guess, but also her attitude to it, in that she went over to a friends house and had casual sex with a boy. I think also we were called in because there had been such a gigantic hoo-ha at school, with her boyfriend parading around the grounds with his rugby friends, trying to hunt down the other boy.
Yes, she has started GCSE work so to move schools could be disasterous- I have even been reading up about Home Education! I know it may all die down in time, but I do worry that she has now been tarred with a certain brush because of what she did- by teachers and by fellow pupils & their parents, as Everybody knows about it, it seems!
My husband says we have to take a tough stance with her for the time being, & I'm going along with that for want of any other solutions. Depressing!

[beachyhead]

Oh that's so awful. It's so hard taking a tough stance when you know she must be feeling like utter shit anyway. How you react to this and how you support her will matter for a long time.

I guess support, support and support. Gather a tight knit group of girls around her, have them to your house a lot, delete Facebook, monitor phone usage and keep talking to the school and her...

Maybe even counselling with her as there must be a reason why she thought that was a good idea at the time. If possible, I would pick up from school for a while as train, bus etc can be a hive of nastiness...

Wrap her up in the family to let her move in knowing you will protect her, no matter how silly she's been...

[mrsmclovins]

Yes I had been thinking about getting her to talk to somebody professional, since she doesn't seem to want to talk to me about that stuff at the moment.
I will suggest to her Dad that we invite the few friends she still has over for a sleepover (girls only!!!), as the whole 'grounded forever' seems a little unworkable to me.
Great advice, thanks!!