please be gentle with me, this is my first post in this topic. i have 4 dc's, the eldest boy will be 14 in a few months. we live in a horrible area, and he is friends (if thats what you call it) with some really vile children. there are 3 in particular who i detest (not going in to why, but anti social behaviour comes in to it) whenever he hangs around with these children, he seems to come out with attitude in every other word, and behaves badly.
tonight, i told him to be in by 8pm as its bloody freezing, and i was going out. his uncle was looking after him and the other dc's. he came in, grabbed his food and then went out again saying he was staying at his friends house. this friend is one i have forbidden him from staying with because he is horrible (truly horrible, causes lots of problems around here). he refused to come home, spoke to me really badly. i went to the cinema as my best friend had booked the tickets, and i wasnt going to let him spoil it as it was a gift from her for helping her out recently. i told him that if he wasnt home by the time i got in, i would get the police to go and fetch him out. i phoned him as i came out of the cinema, and told him he had 20 minutes to get home. after much arguing he did. i have now told him he is grounded until i decide otherwise, have taken his xbox off him, changed his facebook password and gone into his phone to get all his friends numbers so that i have them if i need them at any time. am i being too harsh on him?
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Too harsh?????
CherryMonster · 18/11/2012 00:59
You are probably right to come on strong whilst he's 14 because if you wait till he's 15/16 it may well be much harder to get him to do as you ask.
Have you talked to him about what he likes about this boy ? Is he exciting to be around, will he gain esteem with his peers if he hangs out with him ?
My Ds 16 has some very unsavoury friends but rather than condemning them outright I have always tried to talk about their qualities as well as the things I don't like so my Ds can't accuse me of being judgemental.
This has worked for me as he is open with me about stupid things they've done etc. Or how he thinks they are maybe messing up. It hasn't stopped him being friends with them 
but at least I can communicate with him.
With one particular friend of my Ds , having realised there was no way I could get in the way of their friendship, I instead asked him over , fed him , talked to him and generally tried to accept him. I could see the qualities in him that Ds liked and became more forgiving of his skally ways and actually had some good chats with both of them about dodgy lifestyle choices.
Fortuantely Ds seems to not see him much anymore 
I know how stressful it is when they mix with the "wrong" crowd. Its a fine line between showing them they have to be respectful to your rules without setting yourself up in opposition to them as they will only push harder !
I have a lot of sympathy. It's horrible and frightening when your DC begins to get involved with people you don't like and don't trust, isn't it?
You have picked a 'high risk' strategy - cracking down very hard. It might work. Your DS came back and handed over his 'phone, so your authority is obviously still strong. He may be suitably chastened, and you may have succeeded in heading off other problems.
On the other hand, you may find he thinks you have been over-the-top and unfair, and he may be angry, 'fight back' or rebel. He was out of order, clearly; but you have thrown every possible punishment at him. If he bridles at this, or argues, or rebels, you really have nowhere else to go. And then your authority over him will be seriously damaged.
And next time he wants to go somewhere you have told him he's not allowed, he may think he might as well go, because you can't punish him any more than you did when he did come home.
A cautionary tale... I had a strong relationship and authority over my son when he was 13. I expected him to be in earlier than his peers, and he was given less freedom. I grounded him and removed privileges if he broke rules. It worked. Until he was 14. :( I can vividly remember the last time I grounded him... He shouted "No!" and moved towards the door. I stepped between it and him... And he laughed at me, and climbed out the window. 
It was the beginning of a lot of stress...
The teenage years are a time when the clear-cut rules of childhood (generally) stop working. As a parent, you need to learn to negotiate. There will be things you don't like that you still tolerate, for the sake of keeping your relationship with your DC strong and healthy, and to help him grow up and become independent. It is hard (harder when you have younger children, I think) but it is what happens, with most teenagers... This could be the beginning...
(By the way... Don't have any illusions: if you call the police because he doesn't come home at the time you said, they will record your call and do nothing, unless they have good reason to believe he may be in danger).
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