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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

help ...I actually hate my daughter :(

21 replies

RavenVonChaos · 10/06/2011 13:06

This is my first time posting on mumsnet, I am so desperate.
My dd is 17 was a total pain between 15 and 16 - drugs, drinking and eventually failing all her gcse's last year. However, she started college last september and has made some progress in english, photography and art and design. She has stopped the druggy/drinking behaviour and has had a steady boyfriend for about 5 months: she helps out a bit more round the house and can be pleasant.

However, she has failed her maths fmsq (maths for divs as she calls it) and then got the time wrong for her resit and missed it. So today, on my day off, I drive over to college to meet with tutor to see how to resolve situation. Tutor didn't know why we were there as dd had not told her, so she really couldnt help today. Total waste of my time and hers, but dd just made the usual whiney excuses. Drove home in a foul mood and dropped dd off in town. Came in the house and opened the post - Guess what? A letter from Youth Offending Team re dd recent arrest and reprimand for shoplifting. This is not the first time she has been caught.

AAAARRRGH i am soooooo mad. I rang her and she basically said "oh that" in a very offhand way. Not apologetic, no explanation. I am furious, i text her that I hate her guts and that she is not to speak to me until she can stop shitting on me and her dad. I also said that I would not be responsible for my actions if she comes home today. I really want to slap her very hard in the face. I know that sounds awful and I feel sick to the stomach at the strength of my feelings.

I have done everything I can possibly do as a mother - I am fed up with it and have two younger ones and a full time job. any advice would be most welcome - thanks for reading

OP posts:

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Thingumy · 10/06/2011 13:44

I realise you've come to the end of your tether (totally understand) but you need to calm down and you need to remain in control of your anger-no more 'i hate you' texts.It won't achieve anything other than pouring petrol on the fire.

It's probably best if she does stay away until your are calm-where can she stay (safely!)

What did the letter say? Will she have to go to court?

GypsyMoth · 10/06/2011 13:49

woah,hold on!!

thats actually a good thing in my experience. the youth offending team have worked with my dd (just finished)

they turned her around,and she is back to as she was before....almost. and she was arrested 3 times and was overnight in cells.

YOT are very good.

Schtum · 10/06/2011 13:58

I'm short of time so quick post to send you sympathy - it's clearly a desperately miserable time for you.

But also to suggest you don't ever say or text "I hate you". Whatever she has done, she is still a child, your child, and these words could do irreparable damage. Say "I hate this behaviour" or "I hate what you are doing".

Hope you feel calmer soon.

flow4 · 12/06/2011 13:27

Firstly, I've been there. I have definitely had times where I have hated my son. It makes you feel totally shit, doesn't it?

I bet more parents feel like this sometimes than would ever admit it. I guess it's a bit of a taboo. We're supposed to love our kids, not hate them. And of course if they are doing dreadful things that make us hate them, then that's our fault anyway, cos everything is mum (or dad)'s fault anyway, right? You know it's not really true, but it feels true.

Also - no-one has ever, ever, ever treated me as badly as my son has sometimes treated me. Swearing at me, lying, stealing, hitting, being deliberately rude and aggressive. I would have to be a saint not to be angry - furious - enraged. And I'm NOT a saint. You're probably not either. So if your daughter is behaving really horribly, I'd say it's only human to be angry-to-the-point-of-hatred.

That said, ask yourself what will HELP the situation? It will probably (almost certainly) help to try to stay calm and in control. To remember that she is young and still learning. To try to behave towards her the way you want her to behave towards you and others. To tell US you hate her, but not say it to her face! To avoid hitting her, however tempting! To offload here.

OMG it's hard to be grown-up and nice when you have to deal with nasty teenagers, innit?! Who'd be a parent of a teen, eh?!

And do some nice things for yourself!! :D

usualsuspect · 12/06/2011 13:31

I think sending her I hate you texts is not going to help the situation at all

You need to calm down

ajandjjmum · 12/06/2011 13:36

OP - I'm sure you don't need to be told what you shouldn't have done. I for one can empathise with the strength of feeling that comes with some of the actions of teenage DC.

It will work out - and remember none of us are perfect all the time.

RavenVonChaos · 13/06/2011 17:04

Thanks for all your messages.

Unfortunately she did not heed my warning and came back to the house "to get her pocket money". I actually flew at her and grabbed her. I did not hit her though. I couldn't believe that she could be so blase about the shoplifting and my warning.

I told her to get out of the house and not come back over the weekend. Guess what - she stole £20 out of my purse on the way out of the house.

I know that sending I hate you texts is not helpful - but I am a human being who has put up with 3 years of shit from my daughter - and yes in that moment I did hate her.

I am at the point of asking her to leave - i really have had enough.

OP posts:

Schtum · 13/06/2011 17:21

Oh dear, Raven, I'm so sorry that things are so desparately miserable.

Would you consider some therapy for her and for you?

Ormirian · 13/06/2011 17:25

"I am at the point of asking her to leave - i really have had enough"

And I suspect she might be at the point of buggering off. I am struggling with the 'I hate you' text TBH

I feel for you both

GypsyMoth · 13/06/2011 17:44

I understand raven. I have had a year if it, it's calming down now, but it's very,very difficult

ThePathanKhansWoman · 13/06/2011 18:26

I don't have a teenager OP, you have my sympathy.My youngest brother was the most horrible little shit as a teenager, drink/drugs total self destructive behaviour. He really had the whole family up-ended, dreaded every knock at the door, stealing, lies, no respect for anyone.My mother aged awfully.

He has turned his life around totally and is a lovely man, there is hope honestly.I understand saying you feel as if you hate her, we all felt the same, in reality you just hate what they're doing to their lives.Goodluck, you sound like a lovely caring mum, so she's half way there.

RavenVonChaos · 13/06/2011 21:34

Its awful today as I was walking past the swimming baths and they have an ad up for National Lifeguard Training - immediately thought of my daughter and how that would be another string to her bow...... I have asked DP to ring her and see what she thinks.

She needs to get off her arse and get a job really - anything to get her into the adult world. I have even said that I would support her financially to do voluntary work - but there is no urgency for her.

She used to be a fantastic dancer - very promising, but has not danced for about two years now. Its so upsetting and there seems to be nothing I can do to get her back on track.

It definitely feels like one step forward, three steps back.

I know that saying that you hate your kids is awful - but I honestly have put up with so much grief over the last few years. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. She has even alienated both sets of doting grandparents with her foul behaviour.

I hope that things will get back to normal soon, but I think a short period in the real world of paying bills and making ends meet would do her the world of good.

Its horrible to live in a house where you have to lock away your handbag/wallet.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 13/06/2011 21:36

Where does she get her money from? When she's not stealing it I mean!

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 13/06/2011 21:42

I would stop giving her any money, just feed her and keep a roof over her head, but no going out money or anything from you. Hide your purse (we bought a safe because years ago my son used to take money from my purse) Good luck, she will grow out of it - they always do, just hell for the parents while they do.

RavenVonChaos · 13/06/2011 21:57

yes we have a safe too! how ridiculous tho. (actually dp keeps the sellotape and scissors in there away from our two youngest, who are obsessed!)

I give her money for cleaning/chores and for babysitting. But no more.

thanks for replying - its nice to hear that it is not just me.

onwards and upwards. I am going to look into some family therapy.

OP posts:

ThePathanKhansWoman · 13/06/2011 22:09

raven if its any consolation, whilst my brother was in the depths of his demons, i awoke in the middle of the night, to find my mother standing in his doorway, pillow in hand, my brother surrounded by various articles of drug use and a lighted candle on the duvet he was completely out of it.

I asked my mother what she was doing, she replied quite calmly she was about to smother him!! , said she couldn't cope seeing her beautiful boy destroy himself. My heart just broke for her.

Its such a 'blind age' . Every now and then my brother apologises, i think forgiving himself has been hardest for him.It was so dark at the time, but you just love them so much, you stick with it, i really hope all gets sorted for you.

flow4 · 13/06/2011 22:12

I know what you mean about the stealing. It IS horrible, feeling you have to hide your own purse in your own home. I had some phone counselling earlier this year when I found myself pretty much at breaking point (the service has been closed down due to cuts, or I'd tell you where) and the counsellor was quite short with me when I said I thought I shouldn't have to hide my purse. "What do you want here?" she said... "For my son to stop stealing from me", I said. "So, stop him", she said. "You can't control his behaviour but you can control yours. Get a lockable cupboard, hide it, buy a safe, stop keeping cash at home... Whatever you need to do". So I did, and I must say I am less stressed out than when he was able to steal from me, though I still don't like it. I want to live in a nice world where my nice teenager doesn't even dream of stealing from him nice mummy ... But life with teenagers isn't always nice, is it?!

Asinine · 13/06/2011 22:35

OP it must be hard to live in such a stressful situation. I am only just starting with my teenagers, so cannot claim to have experience. But if you were my RL friend asking for advice...

I would write her an old fashioned letter. At least that can't turn into a fight.Tell her you don't really hate her, but you hate how her behaviour is affecting you and the family. Describe her behaviour in detail and how it makes you feel. Try to remember some of her positive qualities, like her dancing, or other details from the past, good times you have had together, and tell her your hopes for her future, and how her behaviour is likely to impact her future. Write about what you would like to happen now, with specific examples of things she could do, not stealing for a start.
Tell her you love her. You wouldn't be so upset if you didn't.

Fitzy1st · 30/07/2014 03:24

RavenVonChaos
I could have almost written this myself! I'm very interested how the last few years have been for you & your family ??

yorkshiremum56 · 31/07/2014 13:15

to the zombie thread alreat charachter: yes i want to reanimate this thread, thank you for asking
now about your daugther, she may be drinking and doing drugs but that doesn't mean she is a bad person. lots of people did drugs including david camron, barack obama, nelson mendla , bill gates and gabe newell. look how they turned out. they are rockstars they are insperations. so maybe if you let your daughter have a wee bit of fun she will become an amazing person like david.

help ...I actually hate my daughter :(

FabFlorist · 05/08/2014 13:23

Raven I've only just come across this, how are things now? My dd1 is 15 (just) and driving me to insanity/ drink........

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